June 3, 2012

Eight Things to Do Instead of Acting like a Zombie.

Dear Friends and Neighbors,

I’ve been watching the news lately and I have a question for you:

What the f*ck is going on?

In case you were unaware, there have been a few recent attacks that made the news involving people ingesting a homemade drug referred to as “bath salts” and then, well…behaving as movies would have us believe zombies behave.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned fun Saturday nights? What do “bath salts” and brain eating have over some shots of tequila and making out with someone you just met? Kids today…sheesh.

Didn’t you see that website “Faces of Meth” that randomly pops up alongside your searches? (I have no idea why when I’m searching for vegan sushi recipes I get “Faces of Meth” as a suggestion…from the looks of it, those folks are not too keen on eating their vegetables!).

The news reports have ranged from horrified and stunned to snarky and macabre humor. I’m going to take the middle road here and say, let’s nip this in the bud. Let’s take care of this before it gets any worse.

Maybe the problem here is people are so bored with their Facebooking and their Words with Friends that smoking Calgon has become an appealing alternative. Maybe people are so busy with their check-ins that they’ve checked out and don’t know how to be anywhere anymore.

I know you’re spending too much time plugged in. This is no reason to resort to cannibalism and homemade drugs!

Eight ways to fight the coming zombie apocalypse:

1. Listen to a great song.

(I’m digging this one today)



Just that. Nothing else. Don’t talk. Don’t text. Don’t check Facebook. Fully listen. Dance a little. Sing along loudly. If you don’t know the words, sing louder.

2. Make a cup of tea.

I have it on good authority that zombies hate tea. Wait for the water to boil. Don’t busy yourself. Engage. Watch the steam come out. Pour the water over the tea bag and let the scented steam hit you. Take a few deep breaths. Sit and hold it until it’s cool enough to drink. Tea is cool boredom, distilled and drinkable.

3. Read a book.

You know, one with pages. Made of paper. Please, for the love of all that is sacred, don’t let the zombiepocalypse arrive and realize with your dying breath that the last thing you read was an email. I beg you! Read something real.

4. Dig a hole.

Okay, you’re wondering if I started snorting the Mr. Bubble. When was the last time you got your hands dirty? When was the last time you put your hands into the earth and dug a hole? You don’t have to be planting anything. There doesn’t have to be a purpose. Kids and dogs do it all the time—look how happy they are.

5. Savasana

(A.k.a. Yoga naptime). It’s good to be still. It’s even better to be still, stretched out, breathing deeply and (best of all) listening to the Saturday morning rain. This was a huge highlight of my day today. The active parts of asana practice are great and I need them. But savasana…definitely keeps the zombies at bay. If you aren’t into yoga, you can stretch out on your back on the floor and chill too. You don’t have to call it anything in Sanskrit for it to be awesome.

6. Play.

You know, run around. Throw a frisbee. Jump in somewhere wet and cold. Make a lot of noise (zombies hate that). Laugh too much. Have a thumb war. Play tag. Blow bubbles. Get some fingerpaints and make a mess. Make cookie dough that never makes it into the oven. Roll around in the grass and pick all the daisies.

7. Do something you shouldn’t do.

Get a little wild. Dance in public. Swear too much. Don’t hold your tongue. Don’t think so much. Kiss someone. You don’t have to be an ass about it, just break your own rules a little—the ones that make you feel uptight and zombified, not the ones about being kind.

8. Stop reading this list.

Shut off your computer. Turn off your phone and put it in a drawer. You won’t miss anything. Take five minutes and go out and look at the sky. Whenever I get that restless itch like I’ve been plugged in too much I stop. I close it up. Maybe forward-fold and stretch out my back a little. And then—regardless of weather or time of day—I go stare at the sky.

It’s like making eye contact with the whole universe.

If it’s night, and it’s clear, I pick a star for each person I love who isn’t near me at that moment, and wish them a wish.

If that doesn’t keep the zombies away, I don’t know what will.


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