Cirque du Sexual Relationships & Santosha.

Via Sinda Anzovino
on Jun 9, 2012
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Photo: Saraiva Angela Maria

Welcome to the show.

The three ring circus has begun. You are in one circle, your partner is in another, and right in between is the circle of santosha (contentment). The only thing missing in this circus are the clowns.

Santosha in yoga does not mean “happy” as we might be betrayed to believe. It means instead, the deduction of the presence of emotional or hormonal ups and downs. It is a mental steadiness that invites a state of peace to remain in effect for our sympathetic nervous system.

So how do we take two seemingly opposed concepts and find balance? Sexual relationships bring about heightened emotions and hormonal exchanges. Santosha asks us to “let go” and ease up on the “fight or flight” reactions.

Just as it is on our yoga mat, when we free the mind of obstruction and create a flowing sense of stillness, there is a balance involved in our sexual relationships with our partners. Of course, with the yin comes the yang; with balance comes imbalance.

Each of us is walking our own tight rope of balance.

In our circus, we have to take weight into our hands and find a balance somewhere in the middle while we walk the line.

In my life I’m constantly moving that weight a little to the left and a little to the right, much of my focus on finding my center.

Unfortunately for me, seeking santosha is much easier to do on the mat then it is in my relationships. I think part of the issue of this balance is also one of control.  When we are on our mats, there is just us, just one mind to try to control. In this respect, a disciplined practitioner can explore pratyahara (sensory withdrawal), pranayama (breath control) and dharana (meditation).

When it comes to our sexual relationships, we cannot control that second individual.

They arrive in their own clown car filled with drama and the only control we retain becomes reaction.

My partner believes sex is everything and it is nothing. Sex for him makes the relationship, erases the flaws or at least takes the observing or intuitive eye off of those flaws. In the same flash, for him, sex is just sex. I wonder if he has found his own state of santosha through his thought process- but then I think of his mental conflicts and know this cannot be possible.

Like most men I’m sure he feels sex should be twice a day but where is the balance? Is it in intimacy, romance, friendship, shared experiences? A little hint to all my gentlemen yogis out there—sex is not the balance.

I’d like to think that the talent of walking these tight ropes for multiple shows a day comes, in the search for contentment, in the relationship. Compromise, respect, mutual understanding, problem solving all offering their matured wisdom to the relationship and each of us invested in it

Some days the balance may rest more on one individual but the idea is that over time there is a shared amount of peace. Each day in the relationship should offer less conflict over time instead of more.

Reducing the emotional and hormonal ups and downs decrease our levels of stress which has been linked to both heart disease and cancer (the number one killers of adults in America). Reducing the stress in our relationships can diminish the trigger of unhealthy habits related to stress including: overeating, drinking, smoking and/or addiction.

If we are able to bring about some semblance of santosha into our sexual relationships then we increase not only the chances for longevity in the relationship but longevity in our physical lives as well.

Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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About Sinda Anzovino

Sinda Anzovino, E-RYT, CATYMT, former owner and teacher trainer of Yoga Journey RYS, currently teaches for New York Sports Club, Equinox, Destination Maternity, White Plains Hospital and her sometimes 'A'-List' private clientele. She lives with her 2 children in Westchester, NY. Sinda has a fun and light hearted approach to her teaching that embraces all who study with her! Connect with her on,, and, and check out her website here at


13 Responses to “Cirque du Sexual Relationships & Santosha.”

  1. tyler sid says:

    I wish sex were twice a day…but then again I've never really been a balanced individual…

  2. Sinda says:

    ya, exactly! 🙂

  3. LTX says:

    Sounds like you hooked up with a Neanderthal.

  4. Thaddeus1 says:

    This is a wonderfully written and thoughtful piece. A difficult subject to be sure, but you deal with it so poetically.

    I would say though that perhaps you should seek a partner that is more involved with the yogic path if you have expectations that he won't be seeking sex twice a day. Of course, perhaps your partner is a yogi, in which case perhaps it's time to have a discussion on brahmarcarya.

    Good luck with your search.

  5. Sinda says:

    Many thanks for reading, I agree with you on more than one count! 🙂 Namaste

  6. Mamaste says:

    Just intro'd on FB to: Yoga, Spirituality, Helath & Wellness, Sexy & Culture.

  7. Rogelio says:

    for me Santosha comes as a result of balancing my energies through Yoga practice, not by saying i am going to be content, that is just wishful thinking….i have to actively seek it and for me its Yoga….and Sexual relations for me comes from the feeling i have for my partner, not from a number i have in my head…i have to have sex ???? a day….that is rather mechanistic…..and yoga should help with balancing those energies also..

  8. Sinda says:

    Hi Rogelio,
    I couldn't agree with you more and appreciate your sharing your words and thoughts! You sound like you have your mind in a good mental place. Many thanks for reading! xo

  9. BEM says:

    Your last article Dear John on relationships was terrific but this tops that one in raw honesty and insight. Wow! I hope to one day read about how you and your (new) partner enjoy a mutually beneficial practice together.

  10. Sinda says:

    Thanks for your reading and your comments! xo!

  11. This is honest and insightful! I have to agree it sure follows "Dear John." I am reflecting on this, as I think some applies to my relationship.

  12. Sinda says:

    am glad you connected!