June 8, 2012

Sexless & the City: Why We Don’t Do It. ~ Dawn Cartwright

Getting back into our bodies and under the covers.

With so much talk about sex, so much thinking about it, and so many advertisements literally dripping with it, you’d think we’d all be making love almost constantly.

Or at least once a month.

But according to an article in Newsweek magazine, experts suggest that 15 to 20% of married couples have sex ten times a year or less. The psychologists who did the research said that these results are not accurate—how many people, when surveyed, want to appear sexless? There’s a tendency to exaggerate on the positive side so it’s likely that that yearly number is even lower.

Hey, it gets worse. Individuals who are not married have sex 6.9 times per year less than their married counterparts. Eek!

Many reasons are given for the sexless condition of our lives—stress, resentment, lack of time, low libido, work, kids, etc. The hectic nature of our 21st century existence makes making love look like a waste of precious time and reduces delicate body surges of sexual arousal to the level of nonexistent. We wonder why the most sexually attractive are drawn to younger lovers who still have time in their lives for sex, while we squeeze one more appointment into an already insane week of getting ahead.

It’s convenient to make this state of sexlessness all about stress, resentment, lack of time, low libido, work, kids, etc.

It’s also convenient to make it all about sex. It’s not.

It’s about our bodies, pure and simple. It’s about being human. It’s about experiencing our time here on the planet with the added joy of intimacy—not just with another, but with ourselves as well. Touching and being touched, loving and being loved. Knowing that life’s about the journey, not the destination.

Because we’ve chosen to believe the one who dies with the most toys wins we’ve created a lifestyle that emphasizes performance and achievement while neglecting the needs of the human body.

Even our workouts and yoga classes have become places where we demand perfection from our bodies rather than feeling them, where we sculpt the body rather than inhabit it. We’ve lost our connection to the subtle sensations of attraction and closeness because we no longer live in our bodies—we’re afraid to.

Some of you may be patting yourselves on the back at this point, assuring yourselves and anyone within earshot that the person I’m describing here isn’t you. Sure, you may not have sex all that often, but it’s a choice you’ve made in honor of your higher spiritual ideals.

Get over it.

I can’t begin to tell you how many people really believe that being sexless equals being spiritual. And— while they’ve created a blissful life of getting in touch verses getting ahead—still think there’s a difference. It’s just as easy to detach from the body due to spiritual focus as it is to detach due to pressures at work. Both can lead to a sexless life.

So if it isn’t about sex, and it’s not about stress, and if spirituality can’t give me a good excuse to dry up and wither away, what is the alternative?


An embodiend life means to live in your body. to pay attention to being human, being alive. Whether you make love ten times a year or ten times a week, there’s always more and that more comes through the body. Being in the body awakens the desire for intimacy, it makes us human and it makes us attractive. If we paid attention to the messages our bodies are constantly sending us, we’d live a balanced life. Our bodies have an innate wisdom that leads us to a life that’s truly fulfilling. When we inhabit our body we find the courage to engage in healthy relationships, we create our lives rather than endure them, we experience our spirituality as a real time, all the time occurrence, we thrive and yes, we have sex.

Here’s something you can try right now, sitting in front of your computer screen.

photo: BigStock

Take a few normal breaths and notice how your body feels. You may find that it takes more than a few breaths to quiet your racing mind before feeling the body is even possible,. That’s ok, stay with it. Let the breathing be very easy, no effort or strain (remember, it’s all about the journey).

Now, take a few more breaths, this time allowing the breath to reach all the way down to your pubic bone. Again, take your time. (Considering the sexless state of the world, some of us may need an anatomy chart to locate the pubic bone, much less breath into it). Be patient. Let your body relax as much as possible as you continue to take easy, complete breaths all the way down to the pubic bone. If possible, continue like this for five minutes or more.

What do you notice? What are you feeling in your body?

There are many effective ways to connect passionately to your human body. The meditation path of tantra is one. I invite you to join me on this journey into a life of sex, a life of human intimacy where sex and love are one and your body is your guide.


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Editor: Lori Lothian

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