June 10, 2012

She Touched Me Deep.

When my Ma died, I felt something I didn’t expect to feel: freedom.

My guru passed a short while ago, and I am sitting Shiva like a good Jew does. For me, that means I am just sitting quietly, sorting out my feelings and remembrances of what it was like to live with Ma these years and what it will be like without her. I know that the sadness, contemplation and emptiness that arise also mirror the feelings of most of my gurubais. I know that we sit together.

For an instant after she died, I thought, now I’m free.

Then I asked myself, free to do what? Free to do all the things I resisted not doing in her presence? Things that were essentially self-destructive? And yet, there is a certain freedom, similar to what I felt when I took Erhard Seminar Training years ago. As the group leaders pummeled away my conventions of thinking and engrained habits, I felt a great freedom as they fell away.

However, not aware of the gift, I took up smoking. I see now I was afraid of the freedom I felt and tried to push it away. Similar to a kundalini experience I had in the 1970s, this time, having woken up, I laid my freedom at the feet of my Mother Ma.

I see a lot of my being with my Ma was her desiring to give me more and more freedom; I pushed back against it numerous times. But she didn’t give up. That was our Ma. She never gave up on us.

Now I see after Ma’s passing there again arises within me a palpable sense of another freedom. This time I don’t want to diminish, suffocate or dissipate it. I don’t want to engage in self-destructive behavior that will destroy it. Nevertheless, my personality, or ego, still remaining sometimes falls into fear and anxiety and I can feel the possibility of this delicate freedom leaving. It terrifies me; I don’t want to resist anymore. I get it now: this is the freedom to at last release and uncover that divine self I have been searching for this lifetime. I have a chance to re-form and move forward in an entirely different way. This is the gift of Ma’s passing; the true grace that remains for us.

I had a wonderful relationship with my Ma while she was in form. We laughed a lot together. She told me I brought her joy. She even played with my hair and lightened my being, but that’s another story. Essence to essence, spirit to spirit; that remains.

She touched me deep.


Editor: Alex Gormley


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HanumanDasi Jun 10, 2012 6:07am

Thank you, Uma. You are our Ma's gift to us.
Love you, HanumanDasi

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Uma Simon

Uma Simon has been Ma’s devotee since 1978 and it was an extraordinary gift to have known and studied with her. Her guru Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati left her body two years ago. As well as being the Resident Intuitive at Kashi Ashram, Uma is also the Spiritual Explorer for Ma’s India, a spiritual gift store in Sebastian, Florida where she answers questions such as “What is the best kind of incense?” and “How do I know when I have found my guru?” You can write Uma or contact her via her website or on Facebook.