July 2, 2012

Are You Settling in Your Relationship? ~ Stephanie Bailey

Too often people settle to prevent loneliness.

Are you really happy in your relationship or are you settling?

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that something is missing from your relationship? I have, and usually that means there is. Too often that nagging feeling is ignored because being alone can seem worse than being in a so-so or unhappy relationship. It’s not, so wake-up!

Why be with someone who makes you feel unhappy when you can feel that all by yourself? You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel better about yourself, not worse.

Not every relationship is meant to work. There will be some that come into your life for a learning lesson; preparing you for the “ultimate” relationship. When you stay in a relationship that isn’t working you are holding yourself back from the person who is meant for you.

We all have needs and when we start putting those aside to please someone else it’s a catastrophe for unhappiness, especially if the other person is not willing to do the same. This usually happens due to physical attraction as well as becoming too comfortable in a relationship.

Physical attraction can be a downfall.

Liking the way someone looks; face/body does not equal a successful relationship. Staying with someone because you are physically attracted to them even though you are not emotionally satisfied is doing yourself a huge disservice.

Happiness should never be sacrificed because you’ve become too comfortable in a relationship. When this happens it’s not only detrimental to you, but also to the person you’re with as well as your relationship. No good comes from being with someone because you’ve “put in the time” and/or are afraid to move on. You will find someone who’s better suited for you. Shouldn’t you feel loved, supported, valued and appreciated 90-95 percent of the time verses the opposite? How do you figure this out? By deciding what you want.

What do you want? That is the ultimate question that many people struggle to answer even though they can identify when they are not happy.

Figuring out what you want means knowing what you don’t want and reversing it to the positive.

If you know that dating someone who doesn’t communicate their feelings is stressful for you, then what you do want is someone who is a great communicator. If you’re dating someone who’s not religious or has a spiritual foundation and it’s important to you, then what you want is someone who’s religious or spiritual (defining exactly what that is for you; Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Non-Denominational, etc.). If being with someone who isn’t affectionate makes you feel less desirable, then what you do want is someone who’s affectionate.

It’s important to be able to identify at least five qualities or attributes that works for you in order to have a healthy, happy and successful relationship: five “non-negotiable.” Why five? Because five is enough to figure out if you are with the right “match” for you and more than five can  make you become too picky.

Five non-negotiable are the “make or break” qualities that you need in a relationship. If you meet someone that doesn’t meet these, you don’t continue the relationship. Finding out if the person you’re interested in meets these qualities is important within the first three dates. After three dates you have the potential of not only wasting your time but also getting emotionally wrapped up with the wrong “match.”

Ask the right questions, trust your instincts.

The sooner you know the easier it is to cut the ties…don’t let looks “good looks” get in the way. Although dating can be exasperating, frustrating and difficult at times, the more you date, the more you realize what you want in a relationship, especially if you are unsure.

No relationship is perfect, they all need work. However, if your needs—what you believe make a relationship work for you—are not met, then you might be settling. Don’t settle to the point where you feel stuck because you never are. Find a shuffle of “self-worth” and dig yourself out!


Editor: Ryan Pinkard

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Stephanie Bailey