My Lover, My Guru, My Wife. ~ Jacob Nordby

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That night qualifies as a Top Five in almost nineteen years of making love to the same woman. Hell, it might even be the best-ever—hard to calibrate these things exactly, you know?

We were on the balcony with nothing and no one but dark mountains spreading out in the distance. She stood and shook her hair out, let it fall down her bare back and reached her fingers to touch the shining web of stars in the night sky. Goddess energy shone from her breasts as she turned to draw me close. I could scarcely breathe as we sank in an ecstatic tangle of limbs and lips onto the blanket she had arranged on the deck. We seemed to explode then and sail off among other meteors which blazed across the black cosmos above.

Later, we lay quiet in our private afterglow thoughts and she suddenly buried her face in my chest and cried a little. “What is it?” I asked, but she shook her head. Finally, she leaned in to kiss me and whispered, “I just love you.”

Were ever words more hard-won than those after nineteen years of being together?

Were ever words more unlikely to be heard between two such different, incompatible people after so many years? How does a couple—with all the statistics and personal baggage charting a course toward inevitable divorce—find such a space of intimacy?

A spiritual seeker my whole life, when the shell truly cracked for me, everything changed. It was as if an invisible ophthalmologist gave me a corneal transplant and I no longer saw anything the same way. For awhile, the new light hurt my eyes, so to speak. I was starstruck and drunk on the Divine.

Over time, the world came into focus. With this clarity came some painful revelations. No longer could I ignore my bullshit. my codependence, my control-freakery and a long-buried resentment of my partner.

As Gloria Steinem once said, “The truth shall set you free. But first, it will piss you off.”

Yes. I had spent years reading all sorts of self-help and personal development books. I could reel off great sermons of positivity to anyone who would listen. I was a perennial seeker, though. There remained in me a deep wound, a gaping need, a buried arrowhead. I was sure that my partner was the problem. If she would just accept me.  If she would just surrender to real intimacy. If she would just let go and love me, then I could enjoy a life of bliss.

But my new clarity wouldn’t allow me to lie anymore. I began to see my partner as a mirror of myself.  A mirror so close, in fact, that I could no longer blame a single thing on her without seeing in that judgment an exact reflection of myself.

Oh, lover, my guru. You show me my deepest wound and brightest light. Your face appears wherever I look. If I should leave you and seek another, you will only change form but bring me always back again to the same unlearned lesson.

Oh, lover, my guru. Thank you for teaching me to love myself. Thank you for being a reflection of all that remains unresolved and asks for healing. I need not journey to far-off sacred places or beg for rice in saffron robes. Before me you stand with all the lessons I so dearly wish to avoid.

Oh, lover, my guru. I  bless our moments of high bliss under star-woven skies. They remind me of a contract—made perhaps in some nonmaterial place—for us to meet and come together like this. Like this and also like all the other ways we rub and scratch and polish each other until the reflection is clear beyond words.



Jacob Nordby is an author and speaker. He recently released his first spiritual novel, The Divine Arsonist: A Tale of Awakening, and was published alongside Jack Canfield and others in Pearls of Wisdom: 30 Inspirational Ideas to Live Your Best Life Now. You may connect with Jacob and download a free ebook titled “Re-Mapping Your Life” by visiting his website:


~ Editor: Lori Lothian

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anonymous Nov 4, 2012 12:17pm

soooo happy for you both…. happy happy joy joy

this line sticks out for me –

the new light hurt my eyes, so to speak. I was starstruck and drunk on the Divine.

I am constantly having to close my eyes to allow what is flowing around me to be absorbed through everything else except my eyes

thanks for the friendship

    anonymous Nov 4, 2012 3:25pm

    Yes, Luna

    Thank you so much.

    It's an amazing thing to continue the journey after an initial awakening. The stuff of life is an infinite patience with ourselves and with the "chop wood, carry water", isn't it?

anonymous Jul 30, 2012 10:12am

[…] they’re pageants of love and commitment and a free and fabulous night out. Yes, I’m usually happy for the bride and groom. They are […]

anonymous Jul 20, 2012 9:27pm

How wonderful. I find myself feeling the same more and more. It’s so humbling to realize that every bit of the other person you hate, contains a seed of your own garbage inside. Thanks for posting the link in Course of Awakening. I think when both partners are able to feel this for themselves, then you can enter into a wonderful place of healing for each other. But even so, I’ve found that trying to bring the other to recognize what their own projections are has little avail. It’s often much more effective to simply let go, resolve your own heart on the matter, then like magic, things seem to begin to shift. A really useful tool I’ve found for facilitating the healing of the blaming (projection) and hurt, that’s so easy to get caught up in, is Byron Katie’s “The Work.” It’s free and seems silly, but works shockingly well for me and many.
Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful heart in such beautiful words, Jacob.

    anonymous Jul 20, 2012 9:49pm

    Thank you, Julia. You mentioned The Work of Byron Katie. That changed my life in very deep ways.

    Jacob Nordby

anonymous Jul 19, 2012 10:51am

This is exquisite. I keep coming up on articles expressing the mirror quality of one's other/lover – and am left pondering how to determine if what you see (that doesn't work/feel good) is self reflection that can be work out over time and realigned – or if it is actually something found in the other that doesn't fit.

    anonymous Jul 20, 2012 2:31am

    Thank you. You ask a very deep question of yourself. In my experience, the mirror principle does its work on many levels simultaneously. We each have personal choices to make and one such choice can have to do with honoring ourselves rather than staying connected in a relationship to fix someone. I have witnessed many instances of codependency which led to abuse and victimhood. Sometimes the most courageous, loving choice we can make is to release someone to their own path.

    anonymous Jul 21, 2012 9:31am

    Your question goes to the heart of the issue Jen. If you think about the locus of the feelings "that doesn't work/feel good", they are all within you. They do not exist 'out there'. Your experience, and the stories you construct and tell yourself about it, are yours alone. These uncomfortable feelings are the real 'material' of life, the material of your experience; they are all you have to work with.

    If you can accept this and take responsible for your reactions and feelings and not push them on anyone else, you create more space for other people to be naturally who they are. The shift happens when we lighten up with ourselves, and with other people. The people closest to you will make you most aware of your responses and your constructed self; growth happens when we stay put with these emotions and responses. When we don't judge our responses or run away from them, we can begin to become friends with them, even if we initially may not like them very much.

    I too have had a sacred mirror in my room for over 30 years. I have been caught in codependency before, but even that will be worn away if you keep looking and seeing what it truly there. Life will just not leave you alone, it keeps coming at you. Namaste

anonymous Jul 18, 2012 8:38am

Jacob… once again your words paint such beautiful pictures in my mind.. and resonate with my soul… on this awesome path

    anonymous Jul 20, 2012 2:33am

    Thank you, June! Blessings to you, inspired soul

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 9:16pm

I don't know what else to say but I am so very blessed !

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 8:09pm

You and your wife and your children and your friends are all so blessed Jacob. This is a beautiful piece of writing! Thanks for sharing this! (And thanks to your lovely wife for trusting you to share this special moment with the world!)

    anonymous Jul 21, 2012 9:41am

    I am so blessed to know you. You radiate love in all you do. Thank you for your presence.

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 7:32pm

Just intro'd on FB to: Sexy & I'm Not Spiritual.

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 6:04pm

"Were ever words more hard-won than those after nineteen years of being together?" Loved this Jacob.

    anonymous Jul 17, 2012 7:12pm

    thank you, dear Renee. I know you know what I mean by this whole piece

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 4:18pm

Beautiful, heartfelt, honest and true. I agree with MatBoy too! Jacob, you have realized something after 19 years that takes some of us much longer, but to realize it at all is a triumph. May you continue to share a lifetime of love.

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 4:09pm

Great! Getting the lesson of Loving Yourself. I give teenage girls through esteem groups the opportunity to love themselves.

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 4:05pm

love, love it. i hope you always treasure her because she is one amazing person!!!!

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 2:15pm

Sometimes you need to keep the same mirror in the room and look into it for many decades before you start seeing clearly what is actually there.

    anonymous Jul 17, 2012 7:12pm

    ah…so! that is true. Until that happens, it's just another piece of furniture

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 11:20am

Beautiful…an absolute reflection of my relationship as well…many blessings to you.

    anonymous Oct 3, 2013 9:18am

    it's amazing how an article like this can be so similar to the lives we live

anonymous Jul 17, 2012 11:17am

Nice post, writing, and message, Jacob.

    anonymous Jul 17, 2012 3:04pm

    Thank you, Dan. I really appreciate that