July 12, 2012

Why I Can’t Bad-Mouth Plastic Water Bottles. ~ Michael “Popper” Nelson

Some of my best friends’ bodies are as high as 70 percent water and I don’t want to offend them or the containers that more than half their body weight could have possibly come from.

Yes, I know that cruise ships are smacking into a floating sub-continent of these things in the central Pacific, but come on. If it weren’t for the mid Pacific gyre—or the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, as “they” call it—these boats may have sped up and hit whales or seals… or possibly manatees.

Please note—The manatees would have to have been transported to the wrong ocean via some obtuse Bermuda Triangle force. Hey, it could happen. If the trawler blah-blah-blah and flight whatever can just vanish, think of how many dolphins are getting pinched and dropped who-knows-where every year?!?

I also know that the bottles give off chemicals that can cause issues or illnesses or at least stress related incontinence but without empty bottles were would you “go” on a long trip with no highway exits as your incontinence hits? Huh? Huh? Answer me that!

With that in mid, plastic water bottles have a kind of twisted symmetry.

Now after thinking about this subject, I will propose that we’re possibly better off with these bottles. Without them we’d all have to face the inconvenient possibility that oceanic mammals can just randomly appear almost anywhere. Which would you rather have 1) a world contaminated with harmful plastic water bottles or 2) the gut wrenching fear of being struck down, in your prime, by a random act of porpoise?

It’s a cautionary tale…

Michael “Popper” Nelson (the one on the right) was born on an island in the Atlantic and has overcome unfortunate facial features to rise to lower middle management in a number of well known companies. His nickname, “Popper,” was given to him at a young age and the story is so inappropriate and in poor taste that you’ll just have to guess for yourself how he got it. A degree in biology (emphasis in organic chemistry) has not completely hindered Mr. Nelson from being able to get girls and he remains married with two children. He’s well known in many circles (especially those near bars or taverns) as a quick wit, an astute observer and the buyer of many rounds if you’re willing to talk him up in the circle. Currently residing in rural Iowa (hey, stop laughing, that’s not a joke!!) his current interests include not being as fat, “getting paid” and putting it to the man. Unless the man has serious pull, in which case he’s all about being a team player.

Editor: Lynn Hasselberger

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