September 21, 2012

Everything I Needed to Know About Sex Appeal I Learned from Sophia Loren.

Everyone, meet Sophia Loren.

Sophia Loren, meet Everyone.

I’m sorry to disappoint you if you thought this was an interview with the “real” Sophia Loren, but I honestly believe that my cat has just as much to teach you.

After all, I did name her after the great muse of all things sexy for a reason.

Sophia is now eight years old, which makes her 48 in cat years and officially qualifies her for “cougar” status. Here is how she would describe herself in a personal ad:

SW/F, 48YO, BBW, Domme. Curvy, fair skinned female with black hair, piercing green eyes and flexible principles. I have a natural swagger that super models spend years of training trying to perfect. I like long walks in the park (not kidding), sunbathing, and things that sparkle. I am a night owl, which brings out my dark side. I find women tolerable have a secret fetish for dogs and eccentric men. Let’s prowl. All ages considered.

Sophie and I met during a moment of weakness at the vet’s office. They had one of those “free to good home” signs. I knew better than to ask. The next thing I knew, I was signing off on the papers next to the word “sucker.” The little fuzz ball has been clawing up the upholstery of my car and my life ever since.

Sophie and I have had a complicated relationship. She is insanely smart, and like most cats, recognizes that I am only a simple human. She pretty much runs the roost and knows how to get her way.

Hell knoweth no fury like an angry Sophia.

She, much like me, has notes in her doctor’s chart to put on the Kevlar gloves before opening the cage door. She reminds me of my great grandmother who taught my mother (who passed this knowledge onto me), that if you are mad you should: “put on your sexiest piece of lingerie, flip that fanny, and slam some doors.”

Once when Sophie was mad at me for being gone for several days she opened up my favorite anatomy book, did some serious business to the inside pages and then closed it. I didn’t find the “surprise” till I was sitting in a room with a bunch of peers talking about anatomy and tried to open the stuck together pages. Yes, she will get up in your grill; just try her.

For all of her fire and brimstone she is also one hell of sex kitten. She has taught me everything I need to know about sex appeal. If you’ve ever studied how your cat behaves you know exactly what I am talking about.

Here’s a list of the top 10 things I have learned from my cat:

  1. Prepare to pounce. When you zero in on your target get low to the ground (or in human terms do your hair and put on high heels). Stalk slowly towards them from an unanticipated direction. Then proceed quickly with a toss of your hair, direct eye contact, and a touch on the arm. Do not let anything distract you, not even cheesecake. Pounce.
  2. Never underestimate the power of playing hard to get. Sophie has this way of letting you pet her that makes you think for a split second that she cares about you. Just when you think it’s got to be love, she flips that fanny and walks away. She never looks back, ever. Try it next time you’re at a party.
  3. Be coy. Once you have successfully accomplished number two, circle back after an appropriate amount of time. Set yourself just beyond reach of your enamored target, where they can almost but not quite pet you. Razzle Dazzle ’em kiddo.
  4. Learn how to hiss nonviolently. Sophia opens her mouth and hisses without actually making any sound. It’s a very effective way of saying, “back off Buster” without actually causing too much drama. I’ve tried this technique in relationships. It surprisingly diffuses any argument that could happen.
  5. Crossing your paws slowly can be very sexy. Channel your inner Sharon Stone.
  6. Leave your scent everywhere. “I’m sorry did I leave my thigh high at the end of your bed frame? Oops. Silly me.”
  7. As a general rule, if you have a hairball hide it. For us, this equates to all things non-glamorous: snotty tissues, waxing strips, tampons, vomit, etc. Don’t leave that stuff on the top of the trash. Bury it.
  8. Purr questionably. Confuse your victim by purring, blindside them with a kiss, and then bite them hard. Love hurts. Then, once again flip the fanny and walk away.
  9. Try new things to keep it fresh. Do you know what it feels like to get up randomly from the bed, run wildly from one end of your home to the other, then calmly walk across the floor back into bed? Have you ever tried sleeping in the bathtub? When is the last time you threw some of your houseplant greens into the lettuce mix? Be inventive and explorative; let your inner tiger out. Worst case scenario—you end up with a hairball (see 7).
  10. Groom yourself in public settings. Never be scared to put on your lipstick at the dinner table. I’ve had men ask for my hand in marriage with this little gem. I’m still working on the leg behind the head thing though.

Okay dear reader, I just realized this article is a bit weird. Crazy cat lady alert. I need to get out more. Meow.



Editor: Brianna Bemel


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