Dirty Blonde Ink: Pull Down Your Skirt! & 9 Bits of Boy Advice From Mom. ~ Anne Clendening

Via Anne Clendening
on Jan 16, 2013
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Okay, maybe my 8th grade Catholic school uniform was a wee bit short…

Would you believe me if I told you that was the style? The shorter the funner, I always say! And speaking of fun, as luck would have it, this girl went to a private high school right across the street from UCLA… Picture young chicks in school girl uniforms in near proximity to beer, college guys and no supervision. I’m convinced a dirty old man is responsible for this particular city planning. Bravo, whoever you are…

My poor parents. They tried. Out of all the advice and the heart-to-heart talks they gave me, this is what I remember (and mostly ignored).

1. Don’t Call Boys. They don’t like it. Period. Guys will pretty much eat dirt to get what they want, and they love the hunt. They’ll chase you, they’ll Instagram-stalk you, they’ll whittle you down until they get you to turn your head in their direction They’ll pretend to “like” your 800 cat photos and that stupid Lady GaGa song. My point is, if they want you, you’ll know.

2. Don’t wear too much makeup. Do you want to look like Brooke Shields in “Pretty Baby” when she played a 12-year-old prostitute? Unless you’re an acclaimed French filmmaker, it’s not art, it’s… something else. I don’t want to use the word “tart” because I would sound like your grandmother, so let’s just say when it comes to makeup, less is more. If you’re an exceptionally intelligent ivy-league actressy type of babe, that’s one thing; but there’s only, like, four. Just lay off the face paint.

3. Never put your drink down at a party. This might be the best advice ever. I never take Altoids from strangers, I don’t get anything from the salad bar at the market and I never indulge in brownies at parties where Mary Jane is invited. You might think this is going too far, but I’m not sorry. Would you rather wake up with some ugly, misshapen murderous freak? I didn’t think so.

4. Don’t shave your legs above the knees. This makes no sense, kind of like, “don’t take the car on the freeway,” or “don’t have sex on the first date.” I say, go ahead and clean it all up. What’s the worst that can happen?

5. Don’t do anything stupid & get arrested. Handcuffs aren’t as cute as you think. I remember my time in the back of a cop car, way back when … I may have drunk a little too much champagne, straight out of the bottle (OG, baby!), when I drove up next to Mr. Cutie Cute on Sunset Blvd and challenged him to a drag race. The next thing you know, I’m just a little bit arrested and thrown in the slammer which, sadly, didn’t stop me from flirting with the cops. Trust me, you won’t be all giggles when you’re sitting in court at 8 am waiting for your DUI case to be called.

6. Don’t swear, get a tattoo, or chew gum. It’s not ladylike. This is all good stuff. But I never said I was a lady.

7. Read a lot, get educated. There’s something genuinely sexy about the scent of books… Maybe that’s why I became a writer. Add a pair of eyeglasses, and you’re the smart man’s pin-up girl.

8. Don’t wear earrings. They’re tacky. This is actually a great point. When I was young, I was (erroneously) told that Marilyn Monroe never wore earrings so nothing would distract from her beauty. (And while earrings can be pretty stupid, Marilyn also sang a sweet little ditty about diamonds, which I could maybe stoop to wearing on my ears.)

9. Bake. It sounds so Pollyanna, but damn, this is great advice. Baking is almost therapeutic. I’m surprised I’m not 200 pounds. I could spend all day in the kitchen, apron on, baking cookies and pies like it’s 1955. Make that kitchen your bitch. Men dig it.

So thank you mom, and yeah, maybe that uniform was scandalously short… But what’s so bad about a little fun?

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Hot Girl: Uploaded by user via leo on Pinterest. Arrested: witz.org via Yvonne on Pinterest. Library: 4.bp.blogspot.com via Ha on Pinterest




About Anne Clendening

Anne Clendening is the author of the upcoming memoir, Bent: How Yoga Saved My Ass. Born and raised in L.A., she is a yoga teacher, a writer and occasionally slings cocktails in a Hollywood bar. She could eat chocolate cake for every meal of the day. She has a gigantic fear of heights and flying. And fire. She wishes she could speak French, play her guitar better and make cannoli. She's probably listening to The Dark Side Of The Moon right now. If you’re not easily offended, her darker thoughts can be read at Dirty Blonde Ink. She’ll be kickin’ it with her boxer dog and her hot Australian husband. Be her friend on Facebook if you dig. Her website is Anne Clendening Yoga. Peace, Love & Beatles.


9 Responses to “Dirty Blonde Ink: Pull Down Your Skirt! & 9 Bits of Boy Advice From Mom. ~ Anne Clendening”

  1. Alli says:

    Love this!

  2. Little Orphan says:

    Thank you Alli!! 🙂

  3. kmzam says:

    Love this … although I'll admit, I don't call boys until they've called me (at least a few times). And I've always shaved above my knees (WAY above LOL). Some habits and beliefs die hard, others are just, well, ick.

    Hope married life is fucking awesome!

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  5. Lily says:

    Really? Your Mom said " they’ll Instagram-stalk you"? How young is she?

  6. Little Orphan says:

    It is & thank you!!

  7. Little Orphan says:

    Hi Lily, her words=don't call boys. The rest are mine 🙂

  8. Molly says:

    Only sex talk I remember from my mom was, “Sex in high school will be so disappointing-he’ll barely get his pants unzipped and it will be over!” It totally worked, no sex in high school for me!

  9. Little Orphan says:

    now that's a good deterrent 🙂