3.9

This Is Why Your Ex Broke Up with You.

Who else has ever spent time after a breakup obsessing over what was wrong with their ex, asking yourself questions like:

Is he emotionally damaged from his previous relationship?

Does he love me but just not know how to express it?

Does he have a fear of commitment?

Is he afraid that I will hurt him?

Is he intimidated by my success?

Does he have intimacy issues?

Does he have mommy issues?

While these are all fine questions, they are not what your very fine self should be asking right now.

Why?

Because no matter how smart you are (and I have no doubt that you are one smart cookie), these questions just cannot be answered. Not by you, not by your friends, and certainly not by your therapist (whom you’ve probably been paying a massive amount of money wishing they would answer them for you.)

Might I suggest that you stop. Immediately.

Now, hear me out (before concluding that I don’t care about these most intimate issues). I do care. Just not about your ex.

What I care about is you. I care about you so much that I want you to stop asking yourself questions that you just simply cannot answer. The only person that will ever be able to answer said questions is your ex. This will not change (no matter how many hours you sit around in his sweatshirt eating Chunky Monkey ice cream).

If your ex did not tell you the answer to said questions before he dumped you, then the chances of you ever knowing the correct answers are very, very slim. (Which is not what you will be if you keep stuffing Chunky Monkey down your pretty face. Might I suggest you stop this immediately too.)

I’m sorry to disappoint you (and burst your psychoanalytical bubble), but in order for you to move on and be your badass self, you must stop asking yourself questions that you’re incapable of answering.

Breakups already make us crazy enough. Why drive yourself even more crazy searching for unattainable answers?

Give up now.

(Before you make everyone else around you crazy, too.)

Instead, ask yourself questions that you can answer. Use that psychoanalytical brain of yours for good, and psychoanalyze yourself instead. (Hint: It takes two to tango.)

Am I emotionally damaged from my previous relationship?

Did I love him but just not know how to express it?

Do I have a fear of commitment?

Am I afraid that I will get hurt?

Do I have intimacy issues?

Do I have mommy/daddy issues?

These are very broad questions, I know. But it’s a start. If this list of questions does not work for you, come up with your own. Just make sure the questions are ones that you can answer. Not questions that require your ex.

So, stop obsessing over your ex, and start accessing yourself instead.

You have much to learn. But before you can gain the wisdom, you must stop obsessing over your ex. He’s gone, and so are his issues, no matter what they may or may not have been.

Be glad of this. If you’re seriously having to ask these questions, would you seriously have wanted to stay in the relationship and deal with the answers?

Big hug,

Ellen

P.S. Still need to bitch about your breakup? Talk to me, Sunshine.

 

Relephant:

My Ex Got Married & I Became a Loser.

5 Things I Learned from My Ex-Lovers.

I’ve been Leaving you Longer than I Loved You, a Letter to my Ex.

There’s so many things to appreciate about being single, anyway:

 

Ed: Brianna Bemel

Photo: Flickr

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Peter the Great Jun 21, 2015 8:50am

The question the adult American, college education, motivated, awesome single woman needs to be asking is – Do I have control issues? I guess that might be intimacy, but the kind of man the awesome woman wants, doesn't want a woman who needs to be in control about everything.

Bea May 17, 2015 11:53pm

Thankyou so much for this. Exactly what I needed to hear. The final part of your article really hits home. And my answer is a definite NO!

Mindy Apr 11, 2015 12:37pm

Awesome. Thank you. I recently came to the same conclusion that you stated in this article. But, I really needed to see it in black-and-white

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Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book “Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn’t Have To Be!” has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love — the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want.

To get Ellen’s free video series “How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU” click here.