Did You Know Your Ex Is Still Getting in Your Pants?

Via Ellen Smoak
on Mar 19, 2013
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Getting over your ex as if your life depends on it.

If you’ve been reading any of my column posts thus far, then you’re starting to realize that I’m not a fan of sugar-coating anything.

If you’re looking for mushy breakup advice or other sappy crap that you hope will help you get over your ex, then you’ve come to the wrong place, sister.

You aren’t going to find any of that mushy, sappy, sugar-coated crap here.


Because I don’t believe in it. A heart that has been broken feels like it was just sent through a cheese grater and trampled on by a herd of wild buffalo. So, when our heart is broken, what we need is advice that’s as strong as the way we want to feel again.

What you’ll find with me, my dear, is what actually works to help you heal a painful broken heart. I know this because I’ve been there. If you missed that shocking story, read about it here.  

I had to figure out what would actually work to make me feel better, and I had to figure it out fast.

I didn’t learn how to swim by keeping my swimmies on until I was 12 either. Nope, eventually I just had to be thrown out into the deep end and figure out how to swim on on my own. Sink or swim. Do or die. Live and learn…

And that’s precisely what has to happen after a breakup, especially one that wasn’t wanted, came out of nowhere, or that you have absolutely no choice in. When this happens, we’ve got to take control of our own heart and our own healing, and start working toward getting over our ex as if our life depends on it.

Because it does. The rest of our big, beautiful life depends on beating our broken heart as quickly and painlessly as possible—but before I dive into how we can do that, let me take a moment to remind you of something very, very important.

You are amazing. You’re strong, you’re beautiful, and very soon, you’ll be even more brilliant than ever before.

Trust me. And trust the process. You deserve only love and you’re totally worth it.

Our brilliance is very often just on the other side of a breakup. And sometimes what we wish for and what we dream about is just beyond the boundary of our fate.

So if you’re going through a breakup or haven’t managed to get past your last one yet, then keep the faith, and keep walking.

Okay. Now that we have the mushy, sappy talk out of the way, let’s talk about your panties for a minute. Which ones are you wearing right now? 

Wait—don’t get me wrong, I’m actually not asking about the ones you literally have on. I’m inquiring about your figurative ones. You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘big girl panties’ before, right? Well, I’m actually not referring to those. The panties I’m talking about your ‘positive panties.’

What do your positive panties say? Mine say ‘Awesome.’

We’ve been told time and time again since we were kids about the power of positive thinking and the importance of attitude. So, I’m not going to spend much time telling you something you already know. But I will spend some time reminding you that you can turn your entire world around by changing your thoughts, your outlook, and your attitude. But just like with most things, you have to want it, you have to choose it, and you have to make the effort to change it.

Change takes two things: The desire to change + the action to change it. If you have one without the other, you won’t ever change a thing…

(Thus…Voila! Change your panties, change your life.)

We can want to move on and get over our exes—but until we take action, nothing will change.

Changing our thoughts and our attitudes takes a minimum of 30 days. Why? Because most of these thoughts and attitudes are buried deep down in our subconscious minds. (And possibly our super-subconscious. Didn’t know you had a super-subconscious, did ya?)

Your thoughts about your ex, your anger at the outcome of the relationship, and your fear about the future have all started to happen on autopilot because you’ve convinced your subconscious mind that these thoughts, angers, and fears are (and always will be) your reality.

Deep, I know. And, if you’re wondering if I just made that up, just to write about panties, you’re right. It’s actually more like 40 days.

Research of the brain has proven that we can change our thoughts, memories and belief system by using tools and techniques on a daily basis to ‘rewire’ the neural pathways in our brain to think, feel and act in different ways. If practiced, we can actually change your brain to make you think, feel and act any way you choose.

Think about this for a minute…

Imagine how much better you would feel if your days and nights weren’t haunted with thoughts of your ex?

Imagine how much easier life would be if you didn’t doubt, worry about, and fear the future?

And imagine how much brighter and more enjoyable each day would be if you could bounce out of bed feeling overjoyed to start each day?

This ‘rewiring’ process can be used to literally change how we think, feel and act has been proven over and over and over again. People all around the world are using it to do almost anything they desire—from making more money, to easing their stress, and even for finding and keeping a soulmate.

So when I was going through my devastating breakup from my ex-fiance, I turned to this process of rewiring and retraining my brain so that I could move on as quickly and painlessly as possible. This also involved the process of breaking up into the most brilliant, badass version of myself possible. This, and anything else you desire, is possible once you learn (and start using!) this very simple, easy, and highly effective process of changing your thoughts, feeling and ultimately, your actions too.

We’ve all heard about mantras and affirmations. But have you ever thought about using mantras and affirmations to heal a broken heart? A few days after my devastating breakup, I wrote 10 very powerful mantras down on a piece of paper. These mantras ended up being my saving grace throughout the day, as the crippling thoughts and memories of my ex kept creeping up.

Thoughts become things. This is a very real phenomenon in our lives. We co-create the experience of our life’s reality through what we are thinking at any given time.

Feeling hopeless and thinking even more hopeless thought? Then the experience of your reality lacks hope and you’re preventing yourself from seeing the hope that still does exist everywhere in life. 

Worried that you’ll never find love again and thinking you’ll be alone forever? Then the experience of your reality is very lonely and you can’t see the infinite possibilities of new love all around you.

So, back to your panties…

The most simple thing you can do right now is to put on your ‘positive panties’ by changing your attitude about your breakup and focusing on exercises that replace negative thoughts in your head with new, positive one. 

So, take out a piece of paper and write your own mantras and affirmations. Memorize them, and use them as soon as your mind wonders back into the painful past.

Or, head on over to my website and download mine for free.

Big Hug!


P.S. I actually do have a pair of panties that say ‘Awesome.’ (Of course I do!)

P.P.S. What do your positive panties say? Share your positivity with me (or anything that might be troubling you) by clicking here to send me a private message.


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Ed: Brianna Bemel


About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn't Have To Be!" has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love -- the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.


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