I welcome them, especially when I have been desiring a shift in perception and then magically, one day when I’m not even focused on that different outlook happening (instead of intellectualizing), it happens. Sometimes quietly and sometimes with a bang.
Self-love has been an ongoing theme in my life.
I was in a relationship, in which I realized neither of us loved ourselves very much. In fact, there was so much self-inflicted pain that as I searched for ways to go numb, throw it at him or feel like I was going to completely lose it, I made a discovery.
I saw the only way out was to go through.
I thought I was fairly self-aware. I knew all the ways I hated myself and how things should look, if I wanted a healthy relationship. I just didn’t know what it felt like or how to create that experience. I didn’t realize it had nothing to do with holding a position, as the victim, the rescuer or the perpetrator.
I didn’t know how far away I was from loving myself.
I didn’t realize that ever since my divorce, I’d been looking for validation outside of me from men and at the same time running from any possible intimacy.
As I went down the road of self-love, I had an epiphany. If I’m full of pain that is created by how much I dislike me or feel undeserving, then for sure I will attract someone who’s in the same pain.
I realized that as long as I felt unworthy, all of the experiences and men I would attract would continue to show me how unworthy I am.
When the next epiphany hit me, I knew how important it became to really get rid of the “woe is me card,” and start living. If I showed up to life a pauper begging for love and money, then how else could I expect life to treat me?
Life treats you just how you show up.
I wanted amazing! I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking you want amazing in all areas of your life, right?
Unworthiness and self-hatred will never give you amazing. Looking at life as something beyond your control will always keep things just out of reach, just beyond your comfort zone, because life wants you to get uncomfortable—it wants you to realize how amazing you are and that you can have an amazing relationship.
Amazing relationships start with living an amazing life. It begins and ends with you.
Have you ever met someone and been amazed with who they are and what they do? It’s not that they’re famous or have reached a high stature, it’s that their curiosity for life is their driving force. They seem to be lit up by life.
Tip One: Find something that lights you up!
Reach outside of your comfort zone and let your curiosity lead you somewhere new. Whether it is a new hobby, job or experience, go do it! Allow the curiosity and watch the passion you have for life grow!
Tip Two: Date yourself (whether you’re in a relationship or not).
Don’t wait for a special occasion to make that fabulous dinner or to see that movie. Go! If you’re home alone, treat yourself as your own best lover, instead of eating crackers, not showering and zoning out to the TV…pleasure yourself.
Tip Three: Pull the weeds.
Isn’t it time to let go of those limiting beliefs that say you aren’t worthy? Isn’t it time to stop blaming yourself for what happened in the past? Or worse, not trusting yourself, because you think you make bad decisions? Get to the root of the belief, which makes you feel cruddy—is it true? Why?
When we feel bad about ourselves, amazing does not come knocking on our door, only more pain makes an appearance. When you get tired of feeling bad, then you can actually make space within you to feel good.
Tip Four: Forgive.
Forgive everyone. You are human—everyone is here for their own experience, sometimes we hurt others or get hurt, because we don’t know a different way. Many of us are brought up with rules of engagement. The trick is to break free and forgive. Forgive big and small, but most of all, forgive yourself.
Tip Five: Authenticity is amazing!
Being yourself means accepting all the pieces and parts you’d like to hide. I find sharing my weird habits or stating some off-center truth about myself to be freeing! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it matters what you think of you. The more you accept your shortcomings (I’m always gonna be disorganized and it’s okay) and focus on the yummy things about yourself, the more likely you are to draw amazing into your life.
Have an amazing day!
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Ed: Catherine Monkman