November 13, 2013

An Open Letter to Open Letters.

Warning: Grown-up Naughty Language!

This is an open letter to, well, all open letters.

I think that it’s time we move on.

Seriously, you’ve served us well.

There were so many wonderfully written open letters, there were also so many poorly written open letters that made us laugh, and then there were those open letters that were just plain narcissistic or created purely in the pathetic attempt for attention on social media websites. 

Anyways, I think that it’s time we said good-bye. After all, you really have nothing important to add, or you could have been titled something more direct than just “open letter.”

And isn’t an “open letter” merely a string of often worthless, rambling thoughts about a topic that everyone else is talking about already, and you simply want to throw in your two cents while not specifying your genre too accurately, for fear of not reaching as many readers for your “openness” as possible?

I mean, you even have a Wikipedia page. (For real, you do—in case you weren’t aware.) 

And here’s what your wiki definition is: “An open letter is a letter that is intended to be read by a wide audience, or a letter intended for an individual, but that is nonetheless widely distributed intentionally.”

So basically, you’re a media whore, open letter.

You want to be opened up by everyone. You make no claims to an authentic opinion and you invite everyone to share and discuss, which is awesome in a sense, but also quite boring because you generally have nothing of value to bring to a real discussion or debate.

If you did your title would be more specific—something like:

“I’m an old celebrity who no one pays attention to anymore, so I’m going to stir up some shit by calling so-and-so a rude name”


“10 reasons why you should have a clear-cut subject that precisely outlines the article that follows”


“look at me circumvent my real opinion by ripping on your well-stated opinion.”

You know, something like that.

Yet, technically speaking (or according to your wiki bio, at least), you’ve been around since Biblical times, open letter.

Nope, Miley Cyrus and Sinead O’Connor were not responsible for making you up—they just brought you back to life (no inappropriate joke intended, open letter).

On the other hand, these Biblical examples are generally kind of beautiful to read—even if you don’t agree with or care about their content—whereas Sinead’s open letter to Miley (and it wasn’t her first one either) actually uses the word “fuckin,” so I have a hard time placing her open letter and your earlier ancestors in this same category together. 

I digress.

I’m fuckin’ sick of you, open letter.

I see your name everywhere. You’re like an ex-girlfriend who keeps driving by the house or an ugly sweater that keeps coming out of the washing machine looking better and brighter.

I Googled you just now, open letter, and another one of you was just posted to Justin Bieber less than an hour ago. (It’s about a Brazilian prostitute in case you were wondering—keeping it classy as usual, open letter.)

So, open letter, I think it’s time for me to sign off, and I think I’ve made my point, which is that I have no real point, and I know that you’ll understand.

And I think that I’ll close this particular open letter by quoting the words of someone well-versed in your ways: “You could really do with educating yourself, that is if you’re not too busy getting your tits out to read.” (That open-letter closing was written by the lovely Sinead.)

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.”

~ Jack Handey


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Editor: Bryonie Wise

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