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November 19, 2013

Intangible Endings. ~ Stephanie Turner

How do you know when you’ve completed something intangible? Something in which there is no certificate? How do you know when you’re at the end?

I’ve reached a few intangible ends in my lifetime, thus far. Some were the end of important relationships to me, careers and even, homes. At this moment, I’m talking about those great loves; the one’s that are unexplainable to your girlfriends who think you’re crazy for giving it a second, never mind 10th chance.

It’s a feeling, an intangible feeling of love for someone else.

I’ve watched my girlfriends go through it, as well. My friend, who is four weeks into her intangible ending, shared with me that she needs to stay angry in order to keep this ending. This is not something that I’m a fan of, but I can see her perspective.  For her, it’s simply a feeling, an unexplainable love—kind of like the mole I have in an undisclosed location on my body, that I love, but could do without.

At a recent gathering with girlfriends, we spoke about how women love. We see the best in people, our compassionate hearts that can sometimes lead us to believe in things that aren’t true, or that we want to be true. As women, we sometimes think that we can affect change in people if we care enough, or invest enough time, which can actually be received as a bit obnoxious to the other person.

Seriously, imagine if a guy you really liked walked up to you and said, “You are amazing, but if you can just change this, this and this, then we’d be perfect together!”

I know what my response would be with a totally bewildered look upon my face, Are you kidding me? Not a chance!

We also spoke about the imperfections of being human and finding a partner who has imperfections you can tolerate. I believe that we can learn from men in this area. They know their tolerance, and they listen to it.

A girlfriend shared with me that a male friend of hers was divorced and ready to find the one. He dated a lot and knew right away whether he wanted to see them again. He said his time was precious. He knew what he wanted and wasn’t going to waste time, try to accept the unacceptable for him, or hope they would change. He dated many women and believed that the world had plenty of great women to offer, but just one for him.

He eventually was introduced through friends to the woman who in a short time became his fiancé. He said that he just knew right away. The couple had discussed what they wanted out of life and from a relationship, and what their goals and dreams were. They were honest to each other.

A male friend of mine once told me, “That’s what dating is all about. Bring your best self to each date, treat them as you want to be treated, and if they’re not participating, walk away and start again. Simple. No right or wrong, just two people not that aren’t a fit. No need to be like them or adjust your behavior around theirs. No need for games or immaturity; be an adult and communicate honestly. Be who you want to be, and if you’re not happy with who they are, walk away kindly and easily.”

It worked so well for him that he is now the happiest I have ever seen him, and he has found the one for him.

As women, if we approached the intangible things in life the same way that men do, maybe we would save ourselves a lot of heartache, confusion and time.

A wise girlfriend once said “If you’re not adding to my life, then you’re taking away from it.  And that just doesn’t work for me.”

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Assistant Editor: Kerrie Shebiel/Editor: Rachel Nussbaum

Photo: Courtesy of Speaking Latin

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