4.2
November 24, 2013

Why Do Young Women Do the Things They Do? {Adult}

Because they just don’t know better—yet.

All I wanted was take out Chinese for dinner.

I was tired and really didn’t want to get involved in the argument between you and your boyfriend behind me. When he called you a stupid bitch who always fucks everything up, I felt my own body take a defensive posture.

When I heard you say “Get your hands off me,” I knew had to turn around.

Funny, your nasty boyfriend wasn’t so badass when I looked him directly in the eye and asked if there was a problem.

In fact, it was pretty cowardly when he tucked his tail between his legs and slinked out of the restaurant once another man stepped in to help diffuse the situation.

But you, you a young girl with long red hair, you just stood there with your head down and stammered out an unnecessary apology to me and the others in the restaurant who were watching. You wouldn’t let me take you home or even call a friend for you.

Instead, you followed him outside and got into his car.

All I could do was watch you drive away with him, he still yelling at you and you still holding your head low.

As I shared this story with my friends and we all agreed the younger generation isn’t stupid nor are they stupid for love.

They just haven’t lived enough yet to know the things that we, older and hopefully wiser women, know.

We decided, if we could, we’d gather all the young women we know into a room and try and teach them the life lessons that we had to learn the hard way.

“When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time.”

~ Maya Angelou

  1. When you open up your heart to love you take the risk of getting hurt. Saying “But I love him” to your friends when they question your relationship won’t stop the hurt from happening. You can’t love someone enough to stop them from hurting you. If your friends are hoping this break up really is the one that breaks up for good, or you find yourself defending his behaviour to your family, you might want to consider whether this the best relationship for you.
  2. Not all guys are untrustworthy dogs. But some certainly are. We all have to learn the difference. There are some males out there who are more than just a guy, they are in fact amazing men. They will respect you, love you and uplift you. Keep your eyes open for them because they usually aren’t the ones surrounded by a crowd in the middle of the club.
  3. There is a difference between being in love and being comfortable. Being alone can be a little scary. But staying with someone because you’ve known them forever or you don’t know if you’ll find someone else isn’t a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. It’s not a good reason to stay in any relationship.
  4. Learn to be by yourself. Being by yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Take advantage of the time to figure out what you want and who you are. When you are confident in who you are, you will be confident in who you allow into your life.
  5. Stop doubting yourself! Listen to that little voice inside you. It’s your intuition and once you cultivate your inner guide you will find yourself on an unlimited path of potential.
  6. We are all allowed to make mistakes—in fact it’s expected. Understand though that if you continue to make the same mistake, it’s no longer a mistake it’s now called a choice.
  7. Speaking of becoming your own person, please put down your phone once in awhile. You are missing a lot of life going on around you while your head is down. Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat all have their worth as long you realize you are spending time looking at someone else’s life. Live your own life and make your own highlights.

 

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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: Shanon Wise

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John Nov 26, 2013 8:11am

I don't understand why articles like this are are gender-specific…. this equally applies to young men who need some experience before understanding what not to tolerate from manipulative, selfish or controlling women. In relationship-speak women are considered guiltless for the most part and men are shamed over and over for their own emotional needs…this needs to change as both sides need to be accountable to the same standards.

Janis Nov 24, 2013 9:14pm

Experience definitely plays a role in the type of relationships you have. I've experienced being in an abusive relationship so I've learned what red flags to be aware of to avoid future unhealthy abusive relationships. I've also worked on myself to change and heal, to have the courage and self respect to have healthy relationships, including with myself. Behavior is learned, and of course our behaviors make up our relationships. Whether the young woman did something 'wrong' or not doesn't warrant anyone calling her a stupid bitch. Obviously if a man considers a woman a stupid bitch then he shouldn't be in a relationship with her.
I thank you for writing this article. This is an issue that needs more attention and for people to be more educated about. All too often people turn a blind eye to domestic issues, whether man and woman or parent and child. As a society we either tolerate it through ignoring or react in a negative, judgmental, and/or aggressive way (which just encourages the cycle.) Opening a dialogue in a positive heathy manner is much more productive. A smile and kind gesture can go a long way in doing this.

jessamaria Nov 24, 2013 6:04pm

I take great offense to this article, as both someone who has experienced the kind of relationship you witnessed and who provides aftercare for women who have, unfortunately, been on the wrong end of a man's foul temper. It's not about age or experience, you can have been married 3 times, spent time being single, be at ease with who you are and still end up in a relationship like that. There is great psychological manipulation involved with those kinds of relationships, which are most often built upon the man making you feel cherished, loved, and safe as he gradually increases his hold over you and the controlling sneaks in bit by bit. That's what makes them so easy to fall into and before you know it, perhaps like the young woman you saw, you don't know how you got there or how to get out.

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Jennifer Williams-Fields

Jennifer Williams-Fields is passionate about writing, yoga, traveling, public speaking and being a fabulous single momma to six super kids. Doing it all at one time, however, is her great struggle. She has been teaching yoga since 2005 and writing since she first picked up a crayon. Although her life is a sort of organized chaos, she loves every minute of the craziness and is grateful for all she’s learned along the way.
Jennifer was a featured speaker at the 2015 inaugural CourageMakers Conference and is a regular guest speaker for local media outlets. Her motivational talks on gratitude, addiction and self care have been called “inspiring and life changing.”
She has had her essays featured on Yahoo!, Dr. Oz The Good Life and Scary Mommy. She is a regular writer for Parent.co, YourTango and YogaUOnline.
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