I am a hypocrite of the worst kind.

I do not like it when people judge me on the basis of how I physically appear—of course no one likes this type of judgment. Personally I believe it marks a person as shallow and ignorant.

Yet there I was, looking at myself in the mirror and defining myself by my fat; self-judgment is a silent killer.

This attitude of self-sabotaging judgment stems from the dysfunctional upbringing I experienced at the hands of my parents. I blamed my father as well as my mother because he allowed the verbal and emotional abuse from my mother to go on for so many years.

I have healed from the wounds of my past, reconciled with and moved on from them; yet there I stood, criticizing myself in the worst possible way. I found myself saying the same demeaning words my mother did to me for so many years; I didn’t deserve it from her and I certainly do not need the continued punishment from myself.

Today, looking in the mirror, I have come to believe and accept that the blame is not fully with my parents as to how I am feeling right now; I am an adult and I now take my share of the blame. I allowed toxic thinking to poison me for so many years; I thought I was healed from every last bit of it.

Alas, I am finding out that I am wrong; I am now able to see that I still have a bit more of it to detox from my system.

Recently, I ran across an old photo of myself from 2005—I was a lot bigger than I am now, but that isn’t what really caught my attention. I was miserable, depressed and deep into self-loathing; it was written all over my face. It didn’t matter if I weighed 500 pounds or 100 pounds; it was truly how I felt on the inside that defined me.

Although I am working hard at living a healthier lifestyle, I also strive daily now to live without being focused on my outer shell. I look at that picture and it reminds me to move forward not backward; it took a lot to get to where I am now and I am thankful for every step that has gotten me to this point, be it happy or sad. I understand that while I’ve come a long way, I still have a long journey ahead of me.

I’ve come to accept that the extra weight on my body didn’t just—Poof!—and appear overnight. Therefore, it’s not going to leave that easy. It’s not about dieting, it’s about a lifestyle change—and that includes a mind makeover as well.

It’s time to purge these thoughts from my thinking and start nurturing myself from the inside out. I love to lift weights and strength train; now it is time to take that training into my heart and soul, and strengthen my psyche.

I can only hope that these thoughts of defining myself by my fat are going to leave my mind faster than all of the extra weight on my body that I have accumulated. Heal the mind and the body follows. Strong mind = strong body and spirit.

I know that I am so much more than that stupid fat roll I am so focused on with my body. I don’t understand why I have become so fixated on it; I know deep down inside that’s not the first thing people see when they look at me. I am a beautiful woman and it has nothing to do with my physical appearance; my originality, strength, confidence, love, and determination shine brightly through my eyes and are what genuinely define me.

Yes, I am fat, but this doesn’t make me a bad person, nor does it make me unworthy of love and respect from others and especially myself. I am over and done with being my own worst enemy. The way I see, feel and behave towards myself defines how others view and react to me out in the world.

It’s time I raised that standard.

 

 

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Assistant Editor: Cami Krueger / Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: Laura Bock