So, you opened the Jack Kerouac flood gates for me at the very start of your beautiful piece: Things I would like to do with You when I am Drunk.
Hence, I would like to start with the following passage from your story:
“And I guess you’re engrossed in the snowy walk and talk, for we walk 10 blocks out of the way, and there’s a moment, where we turn to reverse course, with the snow and the light in the night when it is time to kiss you. But I do not dive into the moment. Perhaps I should have, but I would rather make love with a beauty than chase a kiss. Making love is passion plus heart, and I would not have one without the other.”
And to this, I believe Jack might say:
“Finding Nirvana is like locating silence.” – Jack Kerouac
Yes, yes, it is brilliant that you waited on the kiss and on the possibility of having made love.
Your Nirvana is behind the door that may seem closed, but if you look carefully enough, there is a sliver of light shining through the cracked door and you only need to push on the door ever so gently to have it swing open into the splendor.
Secondly, you say:
“And so I would like to keep walking with you in the snow and when we say goodbye—you’re driving home to your family for Christmas—I remind you to respect my respectfulness of you, for nice guys do always lose, and I am nice, but I do not like to lose.”
“A pain stabbed my heart, as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world.”
~ Jack Kerouac
Nice guys do not always lose. I married the nicest man on the planet that I could find, so I should know. I lost count, but I think I waited about six or seven dates before I kissed him first. (He explained how he had not wanted to make any assumptions or be disrespectful.)
Honestly, this drove me mad with passion for the guy. And all of the passion is still wrapped up with tense ribbons like a special present between us to this day, about 21 years later.
As much as I would have liked him to have given into that kiss, I believe deep down that if he had, the first kiss that we finally did have, which lasted about three hours, would not have been nearly as sweet or as passionate.
So, keep on being your authentic you and it will pay off.
Thirdly, you so beautifully write:
“And if we never know one another, that will be fine, for you have lit up my month, and for that I bow in thanks. But if I do know you, watch out, for I will light up your already bright life, and we may burn together, like wax paper.”
To which I will once again refer to Jack:
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”
~ Jack Kerouac
And this struck me personally, as not only a passionate lover, but a writer too, as I wrote a poem in November that really feels as if it applies here. And so I will share:
On the Other Side of His Breath
He breathes for her
Her hair, near transparent and shiny-flaxen in the moonlight
One of her safe parts
It frames her exquisite, radiant face
But he can not see her in entirety
His love is the color of day light
He can not help himself
Although she has rough, thorny elements;
Her hurting places
In his glow, her beautiful aspects distract
Shadows cast over her sharp, rough regions
Her bright places illuminated by the light he casts
How can he help himself?
She is a balance of tough and delicate
Yet, he only sees a safe haven
Perfect for his love to dwell & thrive
He continues to breathe for her
She is buoyant in the light he emits
If only floating aloft in his memory
On the other side of his breath
~ Laura Kutney, November 11, 2013
And now a little unsolicited advice:
You know you can find out who that special someone in the white dress with the small wreath in her hair was; she must have known other people at the party.
Don’t let her slip into the recesses of your mind or through your fingers, as the alternative of looking her up and getting to see her again would be oh so much better. Or, at least you don’t know until you try.
We all yearn for that someone who ignites that special spark in our hearts and souls. When you find that person, never give up.
I say, live your life as though you are in an ever-hopeful and joyfully filled snow globe. You can shake it up and get a move on or wait patiently and allow the flakes to fall in their own time—ever so slowly.
It’s your choice.
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Editor: Bryonie Wise