I am doing things differently and it feels good.
I am making new friends. I am buying fewer lattes. I am learning a new skill. I am writing out my intentions. I am reading new books. I am watching less television. I am cooking soup again, good soup. I drink tea more often. I am writing often again.
I am taking the grief and letting it unfold on my toes. I am letting relentless anguish drown me so I can swim again. I am finding more light in the dark and less shadow in the dark. I am lighting more candles. I am watering my bamboo. I am burning lavender oil. I am cuddling my kitties.
I am remembering when to forget and remembering when to remember.
When I was a child my oldest and dearest friend and I looked up at the sky, into the clouds. I asked her what she wanted more than anything. She wanted to fly. Me? I looked into the clouds. I looked and I remember that what I wanted then, I want today.
Back in elementary school, I wanted to be independent.
Today that is still my dream: independence.
It’s taken a new flavor. I am independent, especially now.
I live alone with my two new kitties. I am self-employed. I do what I want, when I want, while keeping my work commitments. I have a full life. Free time is a luxury that pads my memory.
Now for me independence has grown the wings I had as a child. Today my dream is of freedom, the kind available in this country where I live, that monetary wealth provides. I want to work when I want to work. I want to be debt-free. I want to be able to see a doctor if needed. I want to earn money without working.
I want to work. I want to love. I want to see my family more than every few years. I want to grow younger with age, not only wiser.
I will always dream. Today my dreams feed a heart that won’t stop breaking and won’t stop beating. Today my dreams fly in front of my eyes. Today dreaming feeds all I see.
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Editor: Catherine Monkman