I have recently gone through a break-up and I knew I needed to cut the cords.

This is how and why I did it.

I asked myself, “What are these cords and why cut them?” Cords in a relationship are not evil, simply a form of energy that keeps emotion and attachment alive. But these cords held me back and I simply was not able to move forward with real living until I cut ‘em!

To be clear, cords are a subtle energy; I was affected on a sub-conscious level. I felt distant, detached and disconnected due to these cords. I was not able to enter into other relationships. I felt trapped. I had to do something and I had to identify why I allowed myself to be bound. Why? So I could be free to live, to thrive, to fully dive into all that life has to offer. So I could give the best of who I am to my clients, my family, my friends and, most importantly, to myself.

I allowed myself to ask lots of questions. Any questions I wanted. The process of cutting the cords is full of questions within.

When entering a new relationship, have you ever had memories of your past lover or boy/girl friend?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why the heck am I thinking about him/her when this amazing new person is in front of me?”

Have you ever said a past lover’s name in a moment of passion or anger with your new person?

Is it because you still have feelings for your ex? Or, is it that you still have some “cords” of energy to cut? I asked myself these questions, and many more, during this process of cutting the cords. In doing so, the process was richer, smoother and more empowering.

I celebrated the freedom.

The process of cutting the cords involves individuation. Relationships are entities: two people become one. When relationships end, the individual parting process can be confusing and very painful. We are all individuals and we each have a unique pace of letting go.

My mentor calls it ‘individuating’; the term ‘separating’ seems so harsh and cold. Humans who are breaking up are ‘individuating’ to form a new entity that is not contained by the former “us”. Indeed, each person leaving a relationship is coming back home to his/her essential individual self. I really got excited about what it meant to be fully myself again, fully immersed in my core essential being!

I allowed myself to have a different process than my ex.

The process of letting go is different for everyone. Some of us process very quickly and cry for a few days, let it all out and then move forward. Others need to process and work through it in their mind and/or grieve longer. Still others can somehow move on without any apparent outward processing. In each case, there are usually “cords of connection” still holding two people together energetically. It could be from a deep-seeded fear of yucky thoughts about who your ex will be with next. Who really enjoys the thought of an ex-lover with a new person? I certainly was hanging on to a thread or “cord” without even knowing it.

Letting go was not a comfortable process; it was terrifying at the core—in the part of myself that needed affirmation, companionship, and intimacy as a regular experience. The process of cutting the cords brought up abandonment and self-worth issues for me. Overall, by allowing for difference, I found a deeper level of self-respect and respect for my ex through the cord-cutting process.

I faced the fear.

The process of cutting cords involves fear and anxiety but also offers real rewards for doing so. It is perfectly normal to feel fear in this process of letting go.

This fear of letting go is that we will not experience love with a new partner the way we used to. You can be assured that you will have a new experience with the next person in your life since each love is unique.  And this departure from the familiar can be terrifying for some. Nevertheless, I found it to be important to give myself the chance to find the next “right relationship” for me…the one that really matched who I am in essence.

Everyone also has the choice to return to deep friendship with an ex lover, which can be a very beautiful and nurturing experience. I found very deep truths about myself in asking why I was fearful of cutting the cords. Allowing myself to walk through the fear and anxiety in the cord-cutting process ended up being the best choice of all!

I used visualization and meditation.

Try the following: See (with your inner eye) the cords as light beams between the two of you. Then see yourself cutting these cords in the middle, with the two halves going back to their rightful owners. Your energy comes back to you. And your ex’s energy goes back to him/her. You may have to do this a few times until you feel the disconnection, or see the cords cut. I visualized an axe coming down to make the cut, and that seemed to work pretty effectively for me. 

I chose to see the process of cord cutting as a gift.

I was giving a gift to myself and to my ex. And I was giving a gift to the next person who would be in my life. This helped me to move on cleanly. The fresh air of space was also a tremendous gift.

I was aware of the Yin/Yang effect.

When one person in a relationship prepares to cut the cord, the other person may feel a disconnection in that very moment! As soon as I thought about making the cut seriously, the phone rang, I got an email and I got a text. My ex felt it. While it was comforting to have an attachment to another person, I found that cutting the cord created a natural energetic shock to my ex. Remember, you are in a process of letting go so remain strong and respectful to both yourself and your ex through the process. Mutual respect can transform cutting the cord into a healing process, revealing deeper work for both individuals.

I have actually done a visualization of cutting the cords a few times now. I can assure you that it works and that it provides a clean and clear context for entering a fresh relationship with a new person. It is not good practice to bring content from your past relationship into a new love experience…the new experience should be as fresh as possible.

By holding on to these energetic cords, even if subtle, you are held back from moving forward intimately with others. True intimacy for me means allowing people to see me fully and let them into my heart. If I fully let go of my past loves, then I am able to experience far deeper intimacy with future loves.

We are here, as humans, to grow and to give.

Developing the awareness and ability to cut the cords of past relationships is deeply natural. If you look around at nature, you will notice that trees freely lose their leaves, flowers allow themselves to be pollinated by bees, and dolphins freely frolic with one another. Learning to cut the cords of past relationships will deliver you into how the natural movement of nature itself works…and you will experience renewal as a result.

See this time of cutting the cords as a participation in how the natural world works and see the act of doing so as a deep gift to yourself, your ex, your future lover and the world at large.

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 Editorial Assistant: Kimby Maxson/Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: Ian Stannard