March 26, 2014

Teacher’s Pet: 5 Things I Would Like You to Study Before You Take Me to Bed. ~ Kat Bird

lovers in bed

I am that advanced, spiritual, sexual woman whom you have been desiring and are a little afraid of meeting.

And, I date.

A lot.

And that is an understatement.

I actually like to read internet dating profiles. I like to meet men out and about and take a quick journey into their worlds.

So, men, what would I really like you to know a little bit about before our date?

I know…you’ve spent a lot of time diving into computer programming, sales, disc golf, sport stats, fly fishing, rock climbing and the best free porn on the net. These are your interests. I can respect that. But, if you are also interested in connecting and possibly having sex with a next level, activated, sexually advanced woman there are a few things you left out.

1. Yoga. Of course, Yoga.

Yoga brings us into a state of balance. It challenges our bodies in new ways. It opens us to flows of energy. It starts the process of meditation and gives us long lean muscles which I like. It is also frustrating and makes us look like fools.

So, if you can master it you might be able to master me.

A lot of men are gravitating toward hot power Yoga. It is tough and a workout. It makes you sweat and so you think it must be the best form. But, I encourage you to try a few more types.

Head to a Hatha class and discover the true meanings of the postures and focus on proper alignment. Go to a Yin or Restorative class and you might be the only guy there, but you will leave relaxed and maybe even more in your feminine.

I’d like you to know both sides of yourself.

Try Kundalini if only to start to understand what Kundalini is and how it feels in the body because if you want to have sex with me you’re getting a full fledged Kundalini show. Start working with that breath so you can keep up.

If you can find a partner or AcroYoga class, please check it out. This is a great way to literally lift me off my feet and combine your energy with mine in a very close and sweaty way.  I’ll be impressed at your ability and allow myself to fully relax and open as I’ll feel that you are a strong supportive base.

Find out why people have been doing Yoga for so long. It’s not just a stretching class.

It is the path of connection to self, to spirit and possibly to me.

2. Dance

Have you ever noticed how much women like to dance? You might not know this, but every night of the week there are dance classes and clubs brimming full of women fighting to dance with the lesser numbers of men. A man who can move his body is sexy!

A man who can move my body? Even better.

Learn to lead a partner dance. Yes, it’s awkward. I know…you have hated to dance since that incident in the 7th grade.

However, if you want to learn give and take co-creative seduction, it’s on the dance floor, baby.

Photo: Bryan Brenneman3. Anatomy

Really? Yes. I don’t care if you know the location of the tensor fascia latte or the anterior cruciate ligament. I do care if you know how a vagina works. Okay, you know the clit, basically, and sort of the G-Spot, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

There are some fascinating and juicy anatomy videos on YouTube and a lot of female sexperts that will give you the low down on the reality of the entire region.

The more you know, the better.

So, when you come in contact with a real, live vagina take it slow—take a good look and enjoy this complex mystery.

4. Tantra (a harnessing of sexual energy to achieve union with the divine)

OK, this is sort of in the Yoga category—but, it’s different.

Tantra is a huge area of study and is not just concerned with sexuality, but I am asking you to at least study the aspects that have been developed for sex. By studying Tantra—by just mentioning that you’ve studied Tantra—you have a better chance with me (I hate to admit it).

But, don’t lie—I’ll know soon enough.

Learning these ancient sexual and energetic practices, I will know that you have considered how to cultivate yourself: meaning, how not to ejaculate too soon, how to pull your energy into a full body orgasm and hopefully how to offer a proper yoni (Sanskrit for vagina) massage. You will understand the multi-orgasmic possibilities of a woman in a new way and, most importantly, be able to keep up with my sexual intensity.

Because, I’ve been practicing.

Tantra is not as easy to find as Yoga these days. It isn’t in every shopping center yet, but there are a lot of books out there. Just type Tantra into a search engine and you will get long list from the mundane to the mystical.

5. Massage

If you tell me on a first date that you don’t know a thing about massage, you might not get a second.

Knowing a little about massage means that you know how to and are comfortable touching a live human female. You’ve probably done it before even. If you want to date a dancer, musician, body worker, yoga teacher, artist, or a woman who wears heels to the office, you must know the secret spots for each of these careers.

One of the biggest mistakes I see is men commonly go too quickly for the upper shoulders and neck—they have no idea about their strength so it’s either way too soft and passive or too hard and defense creating. Learn a few techniques, get massages for yourself and keep oils in the house; coconut or almond oil are great choices.

Start slow.

Learn a good hand and foot massage first. A woman might not feel comfortable with her shirt off and you pawing all over her body, but few women will turn down a good hand or foot rub—especially if they work hard with those hands or feet.

Ask for feedback.

Most women don’t want to tell you what to do, they want you to just know—yes, we are so confusing—but, we will tell you what we want if you keep asking and checking in on pressure, feelings and desires.


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Editorial Assistant: Alicia Wozniak/Editor: Travis May

Photos: elephant journal archives

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