I set an alarm for five minutes, closed me eyes, wrote this, and then edited out the various typos that come from typing with your eyes closed.

I take so long to write posts on here.

I spend hours and hours going over words, and it drives me nuts.

I love it—like totally love it—but I also drive myself mad.

I just want to write and hit ‘save for pending.’

I want to write for myself again, and not the amount of views.

This week I’ve slipped into that and I don’t like it.

I want to write for myself—I want to be the one that wants to read it.

I want that to be one of the only reasons, as well as sharing my experience with the hope to change things, or simply just inform, educate, and inspire.

I want to be the one that wants to lap up my words, and soak up the wisdom that lies within myself.

I take so long to find the word that really nails my feeling or experience, when actually I know I have the word lying right at the tip of my fingertips.

I’m typing this with my eyes closed, Beyonce playing really loudly (thats a bit overwhelming, and I wouldn’t recommend it) and I’m trying not to look. 

But I have peeked twice.

I want to tell the world my heart—un-edited, un-wondered-about, un-pondered.

i just want to type and hit ‘yes.’ 

I want the world to see what I always see.

I want the wold to see what goes in inside without me making sure it looks pretty, or making sure it’s okay.

I want to let my inner sorrow speak, and my current joy shine.

I want to not hold back—I want to know that this to shine is mine, and that it’s okay.

I want to not worry about making sense.

I want to bask in the forgiveness that lies within, for any of my mistakes.

I want to know that my shadow deserves a chance to speak.

I want to let myself be dangerous and be brave, like everyone says I am.

I want to know I’m deserving and I want to break up this spell of worrying whether I am.

I want to break free inside and let my heart be the thing that change’s the tide.

The next sentence said this: o\ve checle the [hjone pmce becise tjse fove ,omites fee; ;ole fprever/ tjat was tje ;omgest tie …feel free to figure out what that says, and let me know.

I’ve sat within myself for a while, with nothing but me (and Beyonce) and my thoughts.

I want a break.

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Editor: Renée Picard

Photo:  elephant archives