I set an alarm for five minutes, closed me eyes, wrote this, and then edited out the various typos that come from typing with your eyes closed.
I take so long to write posts on here.
I spend hours and hours going over words, and it drives me nuts.
I love it—like totally love it—but I also drive myself mad.
I want to write for myself again, and not the amount of views.
This week I’ve slipped into that and I don’t like it.
I want to write for myself—I want to be the one that wants to read it.
I want that to be one of the only reasons, as well as sharing my experience with the hope to change things, or simply just inform, educate, and inspire.
I want to be the one that wants to lap up my words, and soak up the wisdom that lies within myself.
I take so long to find the word that really nails my feeling or experience, when actually I know I have the word lying right at the tip of my fingertips.
I’m typing this with my eyes closed, Beyonce playing really loudly (thats a bit overwhelming, and I wouldn’t recommend it) and I’m trying not to look.
But I have peeked twice.
I want to tell the world my heart—un-edited, un-wondered-about, un-pondered.
I want the world to see what I always see.
I want the wold to see what goes in inside without me making sure it looks pretty, or making sure it’s okay.
I want to let my inner sorrow speak, and my current joy shine.
I want to not hold back—I want to know that this to shine is mine, and that it’s okay.
I want to not worry about making sense.
I want to bask in the forgiveness that lies within, for any of my mistakes.
I want to know that my shadow deserves a chance to speak.
I want to let myself be dangerous and be brave, like everyone says I am.
I want to know I’m deserving and I want to break up this spell of worrying whether I am.
I want to break free inside and let my heart be the thing that change’s the tide.
The next sentence said this: o\ve checle the [hjone pmce becise tjse fove ,omites fee; ;ole fprever/ tjat was tje ;omgest tie …feel free to figure out what that says, and let me know.
I’ve sat within myself for a while, with nothing but me (and Beyonce) and my thoughts.
I want a break.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: elephant archives