i was thinking, how you might be in the depths of the beautiful blue that you sometimes swim.

and wishing i was floating alongside you in the arms of mama ocean.

but since that day will come and be all the more glorious for the days we’ve waited, i thought i’d try and illuminate
what it’s like to swim in my blue.

my blue is a kind of purpley aquamarine that is certainly sad some days, but it’s got so much life and color in it that it’s never too dark to see the way out. see i’ve been swimming these far-away-from-the-ones-you-love waters for some years now and i’m not saying it gets easy, but i do believe i have found my flippers.

i learn to sit in the sadness that i won’t get to see my grandparents on thanksgiving or christmas but then dance in the music of their bickering at how to ‘get the damn skype to work’. and to recognize the pain in the fact that i might not see lukey play in any of his games this year but to cherish the week and a half i had running around spain with him.

i feel the unfulfilled imagining that your arms are around me only to open my eyes and find myself embraced only in loneliness. and i let the lonely hold me for a while, for long enough to bring the tears, and then i am overwhelmed with gratitude to know what it is

to be held. and under the stars by a man so

beautiful and true as you.

i hope and trust that when i come back from uncharted waters i paint my home with their treasures and sing in new tongues and embrace in new handshakes and rediscover what makes me call ‘home’ home in the first place.

and i leave my heart in all the corners of the earth that i visit, but i know that i am never left with less for it. it only

grows.

and if you’d be the one to keep care of that heart of mine—it’s pretty big and some days heavy, definitely bruised and sometimes insecure, but always faithful and all ways open—i would be honored to dance with you for the rest of my days. and hold your heart close with mine, the most precious of gifts. to be kept warm and nourished and free to be in the spirit of our nomadic ancestors.

i would ask only one thing of you, to be patient with our hearts, for they are fragile beings.
forgive them in their sorrow, for it is sometimes lonely to be a heart in love with a wanderer.
and celebrate them in their unmatched capacity for beauty, for there is no power like a soul in love.

remember me.

i love you isn’t enough to mean what i want to say.
i love your soul. i love your spirit.
i want to be held forever in your arms, your eyes, and your heart.
it’s a lot to ask. but here i am.

hold me. smelling of peppers and soap.
for as many nights as the stars shine above and as many days as the sun stretches up over the sea.

 

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Apprentice Editor: Alicia Wozniak/Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Deviantart / Sweet Buttermilk