I am sitting alone in my bed with an overwhelming loneliness that I want to escape.
Calling someone or doing something, I want to distract myself from feeling.
An inner battle of thoughts go on in my head, trying to convince myself things are okay. I fear making the decision that could potentially push me deeper into this loneliness.
I much prefer the feeling I sometimes get in the middle of the day, when I feel invincible because I’m distracted and busy. I like to confuse this feeling with self-fulfillment and wholeness—but is it really?
When I feel like that, I convince myself that I don’t rely on anyone or anything to be happy.
But right now, and usually in the mornings or nighttime, I become filled with loneliness. I try my best to avoid this loneliness by busying myself with technology and entertainment, work and tasks, socializing—anything that prevents me from becoming so deeply aware of the loneliness that I’m trying so hard to ignore.
It takes a lot for me to stop myself from seeking a way out, seeking temporary comfort and distraction. But when I turn my attention inwards and truly allow myself to deeply feel what is stirring in me, I can sometimes find a deeper place of peace and self-love that lies beneath the loneliness.
By giving myself permission to feel and not run away, I feel a sense of aliveness from deeper within. This is what it means to “be,” I think.
To have no resistance to what is, in the present moment.
When I allow myself to become immersed in the loneliness that overcomes me, I feel my ego dissolve a little bit. I feel that this is what it means to see myself as I truly am.
I am going to allow myself to fully feel the aching of my heart and chest, the tightness in my throat, and the pit in my stomach.
I want to feel the profound peace at the bottom of this loneliness.
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Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith/Editor: Rachel Nussbaum
Photo: elephant archives