There was a time when “panicked, nauseous and suicidal” described my mental state about 70 percent of the time.

Unlike Andie from The Devil Wears Prada, I did not work in a glamorous, high-powered industry. For me, even the simple things like getting up and conducting human relationships were struggles. People who know me now might be shocked by this revelation, while some of the people I knew then probably didn’t realize what was happening beneath the surface.

The change came when someone in my life, who could be described as cruel, thoughtless and controlling, tipped me into a gradual revelation, simply by being unable to tolerate my emotions. He said “Just be happy!” in the hope that the imperative would somehow eradicate the issues between us. It didn’t, but it did set my mind off on a voyage of discovery, which led to my becoming the much more balanced person I am today.

All emotions can be beautiful.

Whether consciously or not, this is something I always believed. Through the misery of loneliness and loss, I must admit, I would wallow. And recently I caught my son looking at himself crying in the mirror, enjoying the image of his own sorrow!

The exquisite agony of losing a lover can be akin to the pain of childbirth. We may also potentially reap the same rewards. A new birth. As new parents, we have new people to nurture. As spurned partners, we have to nurture ourselves through a new phase of life.

Misery is so accommodating. Easily glamorized, like the child in the mirror.

This is why there are so many beautiful sad songs out there. Some of us are even attracted to sad-looking people. One of my male friends has admitted to finding women more attractive when they are crying. Does this make him sadistic? Perhaps he feels more needed, that an opportunity exists to be the hero. The expression “Misery is the greatest muse” exists for a reason.

On the other hand, it is difficult to glamorize happiness unless it is happening to somebody else. To quote Poison, “Every rose has its thorn.” This is something we conveniently forget when we are seething with envy over the joy of a “friend” celebrating their perfect relationship on Facebook. We forget that not only does every cloud have a silver lining, every silver lining has a cloud.

Positivity, or rather the choice to be positive, can be just as addictive as its counterpart.

Pretending positivity and denying our inner hurts can be a road to mental breakdown. We can ride the high wave without acknowledging our inner hurts, using it as a convenient mechanism for ignoring our issues. We force ourselves to keep smiling, while resenting the negativity of others, blaming them for “bringing us down” on a bad day.

If I really am 100 percent content and happy, why is it so easy for another person’s mood to bring me down? Blaming others’ actions for our own emotions is not going to solve anything. I believe Louise L. Hay refers to this as “icing” over issues.

The radical flip.

If we really are attempting to flip our focus 180 degrees from a negative to a positive bias, the company we keep will play a part. We must never forget, though, that we ourselves are responsible for our own actions, which include our emotional responses.

In the past, I found that I was giving too much emotional weight to the attitudes and opinions of others. This allowed me to become a victim of bullying in the workplace, and an unhappy, controlled partner in my relationship. I worried about what everyone thought. If someone was unhappy, it was my job to try and change it. These days, I aim for balance rather than happiness.

And guess what? I feel happy.

Not all the time, but there is a contentment that pervades everything, which didn’t exist before.

Ignoring misery and pain is not going to make them go away. “The dark, the light and the half-light” are woven together to create the fabric of life that we live through every day.

We can choose to focus in on the dark or the light, but our focus on one does not eradicate the other.

Why not embrace it all? Notice each shade and tone, appreciate the whole whirlpool of colors, acknowledging each one.  We will realize that we need not be shaken by the emotions of others, or our own.

 

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Apprentice Editor: Chrissy Tustison / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: via Flickr