Walking the Line: Why Boundaries Matter. ~ Edith Lazenby

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love kindness

I told my dad once that worse than losing my sanity was the loss of my self-respect.

I don’t know where I lost it and not even sure how and don’t care anymore. I just know I became a young beautiful girl and then woman who had no self-esteem and no self-respect. And men preyed on me.

If you read about my virtual lover you know I am still vulnerable and under the right circumstances can make the wrong decision.

But the virtual lover lesson was worth it and I learned a lot about myself, things I could not have known that I don’t want to reveal here now.

It was three weeks. Not a big deal and the next day I went on a date and made a friend.

But what is the difference between friends and lovers? How do we find the boundary that allows the friendship to bloom and let the beloved and loved  to grow in a way that supports well-being?

My experience is we find the boundary by tracing the edges: the edges of need, love, desire. We find the boundary by bumping into it like a brick wall and falling over.

To find our way up we have to find the earth again and make sure we don’t land on the wrong side of the wall.

Love is tricky business. I honestly think most have way too much baggage with it. Love is simple: it is giving and caring with respect. It is an action, an attitude and way of being. We fall in love with desire and need in our eyes but love only lasts when we move beyond that need and beyond that desire.

It begins simply.

Good boundaries make it all possible. A friend said being a parent is easy compared to being in a relationship. Children we love unconditionally. In relationships there are always expectations.

I learned more about how to be intimate emotionally from one of my best friends. We weren’t lovers but we were close and I learned about emotional pain, I learned about merging with another and I learned about stepping away when necessary.

My husband taught me a lot about love and friendship by showing me how raw my need was to believe in something that was not there for the sake of what was: a solid friendship.

We all want love. We all want respect. We all want to be understood. We all want to feel special.

When we have clear boundaries all that we want can be found.

 

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Editor: Jenna Penielle Lyons

Photo: elephant Journal Archives

 

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Edie Lazenby

Edith Lazenby’s first love is poetry. Her second is yoga. Life unrolls in ways she could have never have imagined. She loves to love and live life daringly. Leap and the net will appear is how the saying goes but they don’t tell you what to do after it disappears.

Edith lives in Baltimore with her cat, Cucumber. She works all the time, it seems, these days. Life is good. Blessings are many.

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anonymous Oct 2, 2015 1:36pm

Really vague article. Disappointed.

    anonymous Oct 2, 2015 3:19pm

    Your comment is really vague…can you be more specific about why you don't like it? – Ed.

anonymous Apr 18, 2014 11:48pm

Hi Edith, enjoyed reading your article. In my perspective, most of us do not get our rational needs met as children. Which is the main reason for boundary issues. Our parents punished us, disrespected us, told us what to do etc… What we all needed was love, closeness, connection, touch, etc, a sense that we matter. When this dosen't happen It becomes a hurt, a longing , a frozen need we try to fill as adults. So we do anything to get it, no matter what! The pull is so strong we lose our self respect, we compromise and give in to the feelings, going against are own good judgement . It is not fair, but we need to face that we will never get those old needs met by acting irrational in the present. It takes integrity and courage to have clear strong boundaries and the ability to say no or stop when someone is not thinking well of you.

    anonymous Apr 19, 2014 3:21pm

    Thanks for your thoughtful reply. All true

anonymous Apr 18, 2014 12:18pm

Thank you Edith! Beautifully expressed. xo