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July 14, 2014

Sh*ts & Grins! Having a Colonoscopy. ~ Sue Adair

katie-couric-colonoscopy (1)

Has your health practitioner suggested that you have a colonoscopy to screen for colorectal cancer?

No need to panic! Here’s what to expect.

What Will Not Happen:

  • You will not end up lying on your bathroom floor all night crying and sweating. Unless you are a drama queen.
  • They will not find the Bazooka Joe bubble gum you swallowed when you were a kid.
  • You will not have dramatic overnight weight loss. Measuring your “before” and “after” weight is futile.
  • You will not float away like Mary Poppins the day of your procedure even though you feel like you could.

What Will Happen:

  • If you still find bathroom humor funny, it will be hard to keep a straight face when doctors and nurses talk excitedly about your colon saying words like “anus” and “polyp”.
  • You will buy copious amounts of clear liquids to consume for your prep because you think will most likely die of hunger being on a clear liquid diet for 24 hours. You will live. And you will have lots of liquids left over.
  • You will send many funny texts to your friends that share your love for bathroom humor.
  • When you will feel that first rumble in your tummy and think you have to fart, it is NOT a fart. Make a run for it. Trust me.
  • You will wonder why the doctor is wearing such an expensive shirt to stick a tube up your butt.
  • You will experience an epic high of Anna Nicole Smith proportion. For 30 seconds.

Anna Nicole Smith

  • You will not really remember talking to the doctor afterwards or if you dropped the F-Bomb.
  • You will be given pictures of your colon. I say find a creative use for them. Like publishing them online.

colon

  • You will eat like the Cookie Monster when you eat the first food after the procedure.

Congratulate yourself! Screening by colonoscopy enables not only early detection of cancer in the colon and the rectum but also the removal of polyps, which are precursors to cancer, according to National Cancer Institute.

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Editor: Renée Picard

Photo Credits: google images labelled free for reuse / courtesy of Author

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