Whenever there is a celestial thing happening, like a solstice or an equinox, I am reminded of the time when I was in a Wiccan Yoga Sex Cult and didn’t know it.

You might ask, how can you possibly be in a Wiccan Yoga Sex Cult and not know it? Let me tell you my friends, this can happen to anyone if you are generally not paying that much attention to celestial happenings because life on Earth is already complicated.

My story began many years ago, or I suppose many moons ago {ahahahahahahaha!}, when I was just a younger housewife looking for a little action on my yoga mat. I started practicing in the safe confines of a local health club. But I soon began seeking new and exciting ways of putting my foot behind my head.

This search led to different teachers, each of whom promised me something. Some teachers promised that my practice would grow. Some promised that I would become enlightened. And one promised me the moon (I am having way too much fun with this).

My yoga journey involved traveling around town and sometimes around the country, but almost always ended in my kitchen where I made dinner for my family. This is my dharma, and on that I am clear. I have children and they need to be fed.

In my travels I started hearing teachers talk about the moon. In September and March there is a celestial equinox, which is the time when there is a nearly equal day and night.

Let me tell you, all the days of a mother’s life are long and exhausting, and it has nothing to do with how many hours of light are in it. The laundry still needs to be done and there were many nights  when I was at Walmart grabbing some emergency toilet paper at 10 p.m.

So there I am on my mat and everyone is talking about the moon, how it’s equal to the sun, how it’s the Goddess of the Dark, how it’s super cool and groovy. And truthfully, I was wondering when are we going to get to the part where I put my foot behind my head?

One teacher was awfully excited about the moon and he took every chance to say, “The world is turning toward the dark.” Yippee, right? In my mind that meant perhaps one more hour of sleep was coming my way.

But noooooooo. Apparently, this meant in a more cosmic way that everyone was becoming a Wiccan.

What the what? I know that is a giant leap in logic but believe me when I say, I was not paying close attention! Whenever the Grand Poo-Bah started talking about Kashmir-Shaivism, I thought he was saying, “Cream-cheese and Chiveism,” which I’m mostly down with on a bagel.

To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a Wiccan. Apparently, most of my friends in those days were Wiccans! And some of them were doing lots of sexy things in a hot tub, and on a bear skin rug, and trading their pubic hairs by FedEx, and you know I can’t make this stuff up.

All of which was happening in the light of the moon, well except the FedEx part which only happens until 6 p.m.

Meanwhile, I am still not a Wiccan. I am a confused Jewish-American-Presbyterian-Buddhist-Princess who is still trying to get her foot behind her head. However I am only doing it in the daytime because I’m hoping that during this equinox, I will get another hour of sleep in the night.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Editor: Travis May

Photo: Photo: Pixabay