Warning: It’s not what you think it is!

Ok. Let me ask you:

Do you wish your partner would clean up after himself? Do you wish he would understand you better and just do things your way? Do you wish your partner would just say I’m sorry instead of arguing with you and trying to prove that he is right?

Well here’s the truth (and it’s not what you think it is):

If we want our relationships to be conscious, loving and miraculous, we need to fix ourselves and stop trying to fix our partners.

Here are three questions to ask yourself to find out how you are in relationships:

1. Am I controlling?

Even if we have good intentions, if we are not respecting our partner’s space to be his own person, then suffocating him will lead to trouble.

Is getting him to do things your way really going to bring you long term happiness?

Why do you feel the need to control the situation?

What are you afraid of?

The need to control usually stems from insecurity—insecurity about the state of our relationships, insecurity about trust, but most of all, feelings of insecurity about ourselves.

When we work on ourselves and realize that we are worthy and enough, the need to control will dissolve.

2. Do I need to win?

Winning is an amazing feeling. The ego loves to win. Winning releases happy feelings and brings along a feeling of approval and self-validation.

But what really happens when we win?

Someone else has to lose.

And, if the person losing is your beloved partner, then are you really winning?

Instead of trying to force our partners to concede and admit that we are right, we can offer rational reasons for change. Offer these reasons clearly and unemotionally focusing on how you feel and what you think, and try to be as honest and loving as possible.

If your partner chooses from his own initiative to take on what you’ve said, then you will be working as a team. You will still feel good, and it won’t be at your partner’s expense.

3. Do I communicate as well as I can?

As individuals, we are the only people that truly understand what is in our own heads. No one else, not even our partners, know.

Take a deep breath, bite your ego and make the choice to talk openly and honestly.

If your partner doesn’t like to open up, don’t try to pry him open. Instead, create a safe space where it is ok to talk.

This can’t be done through attacking, manipulating or nagging. It can only be done through love, understanding and compassion.

At the very least, you can think on how you feel and tell your partner clearly “I feel this emotion because of…” or,  “I would like it if we could do this because…”

Then, let your partner think about it and reflect on what you just said. Show appreciation for what your partner feels, and respect if he needs to talk. Don’t cut him off.

Acknowledge that your emotions are your responsibility, and that you would like to share them in the safe, caring space.

Communication is the key to a healthy and balanced relationship. When we communicate from love, we are creating a solid foundation for our future.

If we find ourselves practicing any of the above behaviors, we can recognize that they are patterns based on insecurities and lack of self love. Then, we can take steps towards changing them.

The change starts within us. Remember, we are enough and we are worthy.

A soul-mate relationship is incredibly fulfilling.

Going into the light of consciousness together can be uplifting in a way we never imagined. If both people in the relationship genuinely want to grow spiritually, increasing in love and personal evolution, our willingness to be our best selves will certainly be supported by the universe.

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”

~ Deepak Chopra.

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Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith/Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: roseannadana/Flickr Creative Commons