Look out of love, not fear.

Fear motivates quite well, but in love fear smells eerily close to desperation, and that is never sexy.

Not wanting to be “alone”, wanting to conform to familial or societal expectations and wanting to feel “complete” are all fear based motivations for seeking a relationship. When we search for love from a place of fear, we attract fear-based people who manipulate, take advantage of and often times abuse us, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Instead we need to come from a place of love.

Choose to date without expectations about the destination. Just get to know new people. Then we’re free to choose someone because they are a good person or they make us laugh, instead of merely attempting to stave off the fear of being alone.

I used to meet a new guy and immediately size up his potential as boyfriend material. I never had a chance to get to know the kind of person he was because I was too busy going through a checklist in my own head. Needless to say, my standards were low, and I chose people less because of who they were, and more because of what I perceived they could offer me.

Love-based motivation looks quite different.

It’s often found when we have done the work on ourselves, and feel whole and happy. We enjoy our life and our own companionship, rather than looking for someone external to complete us.

Searching for love from love allows us to find those we are actually compatible with and share similar ideals with. Rather than accepting anyone, as I did, so long as they have a pulse.

Be your best self.

Instead of trying to mold yourself into what you think “they” will want.

When I was dating I had a nasty habit of adopting my paramour’s interests to such a degree that I lost touch with who I was. If they liked skate boarding, suddenly I was carrying one around, despite it never touching the ground. If they were into alternative rock, I was jamming to it in my every free moment. I no longer knew who I was or what I liked, much less how to be the best version thereof!

It wasn’t until I ditched my caricatures and did the work on me that I began to attract healthy relationships.

When I was myself I was authentic, and people dig authenticity.

Being an imitation means that instead of enjoying your date, you are preoccupied with maintaining the façade and not making a “wrong move” that might turn them off. Here is a radical notion: There is nothing at all wrong with you! If something you say or do doesn’t sit well with one person, then move on and find someone who loves you for the brilliant babe you are.

Attract love by rocking who you are.

When we are comfortable in our own skin, we radiate positive vibrations that denote self-respect, self-acceptance and confidence.

This then draws to us people of a similar vibration. People who respect and accept themselves, and will encourage us to do the same. This is why self-help modalities are absolutely awesome. They teach us to be who we are instead of hiding from ourselves.

When we embrace ourselves, quirks and all, we open up unlimited possibilities for genuine, stable and fun relationships.

Don’t hit the pause button for love.

Relationships should be an addition to an already full life. Not that which makes a life full.

When we stop grasping for love like we are reaching for the last brownie in the batch, we have more time to explore what we like. We discover what makes us tick, what sets us on fire. We become more in touch with our own passions.

How can we find love when we are not even looking for it?

Easy. When we are doing the things we enjoy and that set flame to our lives, we meet others of similar persuasions with similar interests. We find people who are all about doing what they love, and are open to doing it with someone as fabulous as us at their side!

Then we can begin to cultivate relationships wherein we each have the freedom to explore our individual passions, as well as enjoy them as a couple.

Open yourself to love itself instead of the destination.

Sit back and meditate on love.

What will it feel like to give it? What will it feel like to receive it? Evaluate why you want love in your life.

Are you truly ready for it?

Getting in touch with love as opposed to destination attracts love toward us. It’s hard to meditate and open ourselves to love if we are more focused on getting married, having kids and other destination-focused themes.

Instead, sit pretty, and get close to the concept of love. Ask yourself how you can love yourself more. If we first become for ourselves what we want from others, we show ourselves that it all starts inside us. We light and stoke that flame from the inside, which means a brighter flame.

And a brighter flame has a farther reach, attracting more love toward us.

Understand that you are already complete.

When you were born, you were blessed with a beautiful, beating heart, lungs to take in life force and a brain capable of unfathomable things.

You were not born incomplete, only becoming whole after finding something or someone external to you.

I used to walk around feeling broke, and my skewed thinking at the time told me that love from another would “fix me” or make me “whole” again. It caused a huge delay in my own personal evolution, not to mention massive mistakes in love that caused further fracture. I was broken, but love from another was not the answer.

The prescription was love for myself, and I became a faithful patient.

I’m going to on the record right now and say that any so called self-help gurus, books or movements that feed the notion that we are incomplete without love from another are complete and utter bullshit!

We are beautiful, luminous and complete beings as we are right now. If we do not feel that way without a relationship, there isn’t a relationship or mate in the entire world who will change the feeling.

We have to change it for ourselves.

Accept yourself and kick fear to the curb.

I’ve grappled with fear my entire life, and not just in the realm of romance.

It often boils down, for myself and many others, to a fear of rejection. What if they don’t like my writing? What if he doesn’t like my hair? What if she doesn’t like her reading? I would drive myself into the ground out of this deep fear of rejection, a fear that progress in any fashion is impossible.

The truth is that not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay. Instead I began, and encourage others, to focus on self-acceptance. When I accepted who I was, and loved every itty bitty detail of myself, it became less important for others to jump on my bandwagon. I still hope people enjoy what I offer in life and love, but I am no longer hesitant to act out of fear that they won’t.

Even better, as I grew to love and accept myself, others did too.

With love, just as in life, we will never find happiness by fearing rejection. Not everyone will think we are the bee’s knees,but it doesn’t matter so long as we do. The right person, who sees and loves us for who we are, will find their way to us.

Love requires that we take chances and color outside the lines. To do this, we must first prime the canvas.

By doing the work on ourselves and paying attention to the foundation present for love to be built upon, we can create limitless possibilities for healthy and stunning love. Finding love isn’t necessarily about being in the right place at the right time, or being predestined for some sort of invisible luck that some have and some don’t.

It’s about taking charge and evaluating our motivation.

Often we are our own biggest obstacle to finding and keeping love.

Start cleaning up the inside, and the outside will shine so brightly that no one will be able to resist!

 

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Apprentice Editor: Chrissy Tustison / Editor: Renee Picard

Photo: Flickr