October 29, 2014

The Problem with Faking Orgasms.

couple in bed

Since most couples would agree that communicating with each other is important, why do so many women (and men!) fake orgasms?

According to several studies including the University of Kansas, Temple University and Kenyon College there’s a massive amount of pretending going on in the bedroom that no one wants to talk about. The reports are strikingly consistent: about half the women surveyed admit to regularly faking orgasms, mostly during intercourse.

And from ten to twenty percent of men admit to occasionally faking them too.

What are the top reasons for faking?

Women say they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings or not meet their expectations. They also don’t want to appear “unsexy” or “inadequate.” In addition, they fake to “get sex over with” because it’s unsatisfying or they’re not in the mood. Typically, men say they fake when orgasm is unlikely or is taking too long. They want sex to end because they are uncomfortable they haven’t had an orgasm yet or they, too, want to protect their partner’s feelings.

Here are three solutions from my book, The Ecstasy of Surrender to have an authentic, passionate sex life without faking an organism.

First Solution: Honest Conversations

Ideally you’ll start having honest conversations when you begin a sexual relationship. Then, as you get used to sharing your likes and dislikes, it will become natural. Or if you’ve already been with someone for years, you can gently start expressing your needs now, never wronging your partner or making him or her feel incompetent. Just as you wouldn’t keep your taste in food a secret from your partner, it’s important to share your preferences about sex.

Let go of the idea that it’s too late—it’s not! If you’re both open, you can always surrender to a deeper intimacy.

Second Solution: Authentic Connection

Find a way to connect that is more authentic and honors sexuality without having to pretend, the antithesis of surrender. The expectation that we’re supposed to know everything about how to turn a lover on without him or her educating us is absurd. No one can meet your every need without you uttering a word. Yes, we can be empathic and sexy and free, following intuition to attune to our partner’s body. But it is also necessary to receive guidance from each other.

You haven’t failed if you need your partner to describe how to help him or her have an orgasm. It’s a beautiful discovery process.

You don’t want to be bumbling in the dark. Talk to each other. Give yourself permission to explore. I salute all couples who can have candid discussions about their bodies. When education is mixed with intuitive instincts, sex gets pretty electric. It’s all about being willing to learn, about surrendering your ego, and lovingly treating each other with respect.

Third Solution: Sacred Play

Consider your exploration of orgasms sacred play. Surrender to trying to new techniques, even if you initially feel awkward. For a woman, squeezing her pubococcygeal (vaginal) muscles in the pelvic floor, then bearing down to a count of five to prepare for pleasure, increases orgasms. Try repeating this exercise a few times prior to self-pleasuring or lovemaking. You also might want to experiment with a vibrator or other sex toys.

Every body responds to them differently. Be curious. Explore. You can use them for your own pleasure, a creative way to have an orgasm which can deter faking.


There are no “shoulds” in lovemaking: Instead it has rhythms: sometimes the earth moves, sometimes it’s a more mellow pleasure. Listen to your intuition about what feels right in the moment. Stay true to your body and to yourself. Then you won’t betray your instincts or pretend because you’re afraid of being real.

This may be a new kind of dialogue to engage in. It may feel uncomfortable at times but the effort will help you claim your true sexual power.

Listen to the audio, “Surrender to An Orgasmic Meditation” below. 


Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Tina Franklin at Flickr 

Leave a Thoughtful Comment

Read 0 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Judith Orloff  |  Contribution: 13,110