“A woman with trust issues is a woman who’s heard, ‘I promise, I’ll never hurt you’ too many times with actions that told otherwise.”

~ Anonymous

Last night, I tried something I’d never done before.

Some history: my boyfriend and I broke up recently. Very recently. We were friends before we dated, so both a romantic relationship and a friendship ended simultaneously. I’m actually okay with it; we had different goals for our lives and wanted different types of relationships.

I was more upset that I didn’t acknowledge and heed the signs sooner than I did. After spending the weekend beating myself up, eating whatever I wanted, drinking whatever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted, I was ready let it go and get back to balance.

I am a new Yogi, practicing only for six months, but yoga has become my go-to location for recalibrating my soul. Sadly, my favorite teacher had no classes last night. But, I received an email from another studio that was offering an Acro Yoga class that welcomed beginners.

I thought, “Acro Yoga—that’s partner yoga, right? I can do that; it sounds kinda cool.” I called and was told I didn’t need to bring a partner. Sweet! “What the helll?” (I do and say a lot of things after saying, “What the hell.” Sometimes it works out well; sometimes… not so much.)

So here’s the thing: Acro Yoga is not just partner yoga. If you’re not familiar with it:

“Acro Yoga is a mix of partner acrobatics, Thai massage, and yoga. Essentially, it builds a practice of the understanding of trust. Trust within the body, trust within the community, and trust in the fact that it’s a lot of fun to do these amazing things you never thought you’d be able to do.” ~ Daniel Scott

Uh oh: (1) I am not an acrobat. (2) I never could do that trust fall exercise back in high school gym class (probably still wouldn’t). (3) I have long-standing trust issues. (4) My heart was just broken three nights prior so I am feeling unsteady on my feet, uncertain that I can trust my own judgment, let alone trust anything or anyone else.

Fortunately, I knew none of this before we started the class.

We started off with partner exercises. If you’ve never sat back-to-back with a stranger, felt their breathing against your spine, held their hands and twisted, you are missing out on a very cool experience. At first it was very uncomfortable (there was a person in my personal space! And she was working me into stretches beyond where I usually stop! What the what!?). However, in no time, we established a peace-full rhythm of back and forth motion—me giving to her, and she to me, hand to hand, knee to knee and foot to foot.

It was bliss.

And then the “acro” part of the class started. Our first move was a partner plank, moving into a pike. We were set up like a rectangle, one on top of the other, when the base person sat up while the flier piked to a 90 degree angle, making us look like a square, then back down again. I had no problem being the base; I am frequently a giver and caretaker in life, so this came very easily to me. Then it was my turn to be the flier.

I am a tall girl, and have always loved my height. However, when I was 15, I had a mad crush on a boy who was a year older, but was exactly my height (or a skootch shorter). A mutual friend told him about my crush. His response was that he’d never date me because I am “an Amazon.”

Since then, I have been self-conscious about my size, seeing myself as a big girl, even though the mirror says otherwise. And last night, my partner was tiny.

The plank was surprisingly easy, but the first time I tried moving into the pike, I panicked, screamed and jumped down. I didn’t trust that she could hold me. Trying again, I let go of my fear, trusted my partner, and moved into and out of the pike without falling. I was over the moon, let out a squeal of delight and did a little happy dance, excited to see what was next.

The next move we learned was The Bird: letting our partners hold us up in the air with their feet on our pelvises while holding onto our hands—then letting go, suspended over the ground by nothing but the strength of our partner’s legs.

While I as in the air with my arms extended out like an airplane, I was brought straight back to a spiritual adventure retreat I went on in Costa Rica in May, 2013. One afternoon, we zip lined from peak to peak across the rain forest. I was scared to death and held onto the handles with a death grip for the first two zips.

As I was getting ready to gently launch myself on the third zip, one of the guides said, “I go with you, okay?” He hooked in, put my hands where he wanted me to hold, spun me around backwards, ran, jumped and off we went.

He encouraged me to let go, lean back, spin around, flap my arms to change the wind dynamics and soar. I was so scared I couldn’t even scream, but I did it. We had 13 zips that day. I did not let go of the handles and soar freely until what turned out to be the very last run. I didn’t know it was the last run, and finished the day disappointed in myself for not having let go sooner and trust that I would be okay.

Last night, I didn’t wait to let go. As soon as I was stable, I did it, and I was flying!

After some variations on The Bird, we moved into an extension pose with a walkover. This was the most confronting of all. It’s one thing to trust someone you can see, and a whole other story when you are doing things backwards and blind. Did I do it? Yes. Did I do it gracefully? Well, no, but I did it all the way through walkover.

We ended the class with a group stand. Sitting on the floor, butt to butt, elbows locked together, the seven of us pushed together and rose as one. Ta da! I sailed out of the class with a smile on my face and shoes not touching the pavement. When I got home, I had my best night’s sleep in weeks, filled with dreams of flying.

Life has shown me that there are no accidents; good or bad, there are always lessons to learn, grace to find and growth to be had. Last night, I thought that I needed balance and inner quiet, but the universe knew better and brought my attention to the work I still need to do around trust: trusting my intuition, my faith and my body, and most importantly, truly knowing in my heart and soul that despite my experiences, others are worthy of trust.

I am so grateful to be flying again.

Breathe. Jump. Trust. The universe will provide exactly what you need.

 

 

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Editor: Travis May

Photo: Author’s Own