6 Reasons She’s Not Initiating Sex. {Adult}

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Warning: Adult content!

I’ll be honest: I’ve probably initiated sex seven times in my entire life, and at least three of those times, it wasn’t really me. It was the tequila.

Maybe I just run with a conservative group of women, but I’m not the only one who finds herself opening a corporeal invite more often than she sends it.

It’s not that I’m never lit head to toe with the kind of carnal desire that demands the demise of buttons and boundaries between bodies. And, I’ve definitely had suitable candidates worthy of receiving such an invite (pretty great boyfriends).

It’s also not a lack of experience; at 27, I’ve spent the last decade wrestling serious relationships and serious sexcapades.

And still. I hardly ever—that’s right, almost never—initiate sex.

Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why.

Unfortunately, asking a chick why she doesn’t initiate sex is like asking her why her breasts never filled out or why she doesn’t suck dick better. The question itself is heavy enough to push even the healthiest of egos right off a four-post bed.

Why? Because she’s already asked herself it a million times. She’s pressured herself to make the first move. She’s told herself she will. She definitely will.

Next time.

Until then, she’s hoping you don’t notice.

So men, I’m all for communication. Really, truly I am. Especially if the conversation can happen over a warm dinner between limber minds. That’s better than when heads are on pillows, and hearts are soft and open, unprepared for a question that carries the weight of insecurities not yet understood.

That being said, I totally understand why you might ask such a question in bed; maybe she’s turned you down two nights in a row, and as you’re gathering the courage to initiate again, it suddenly pisses you off a little that this whole thing is seemingly all up to you.

I get it, I really do.

But before you go there, it might help if you read this.

This is why I wasn’t initiating sex (and could be why she hasn’t been either).

1) It’s common knowledge; the female body needs a bit of tender loving care to fully unfurl.

And tender loving care often also translates to tiiiime. That’s right. It often takes an investment of time (i.e. more than 42 seconds) before she’s even ready for the whole body to body thing. Sigh.

When I did attempt to initiate sex, my partner (in shock and excitement, probably), often became so enthusiastic, it’s like his attention became completely transfixed on sex organs, bypassing any subtle, slow intimacy I was attempting. Within seconds he was in the driver’s seat again and driving way too fast.

Men often wrongly assume that if a woman initiates sex, she is somehow ready for the actual act of sex. Wrong. She’s ready for whatever she’s currently doing.

Meet her where she is, not where you desperately hope she’s going.

2) I assumed that if he hadn’t already made a move, he wasn’t in the mood.

And, as normal (and even expected) as it seems for a guy to gingerly rest hands and lips on tender places, it’s actually a very, very courageous act, one that comes with the risk of being rejected at your most vulnerable. And though women are often credited with being the gender more willing to embrace vulnerability, there are certain instances where this just isn’t true.

If she thinks you’re not in the mood, rather than risk rejection, she might opt out altogether.

Here’s where I use the F-word. Feminism. There’s one reason it exists: Globally, women aren’t allowed the same freedoms as men. Women are heard less, paid less and victimized more. As a result, females second-guess themselves more often than men, and generally feel less confident in their own decisions and opinions. This is also true in bed. If she wants it but she’s not sure you do she’s less likely to make a move.

So, hold off on the snoring, make eye contact and give her a tiny reason to believe you’re up for it (without actually making the move yourself).

3) Sometimes, frankly the relief of not being pursued overshadows potential sexual desires.

I’m not sure if I’m an outlier, or if all of my previous partners have just been extremely persistent, but unless my man was sick, there’s hardly been a time that I’ve shared a bed with a boyfriend without being pursued sexually. Sometimes, it all just gets to be too much. We can’t turn around without finding a woman (on an ad, or real life) in the midst of overt sexualization. When this feeling extends to your own bedroom, you’ve got trouble.

This is why routine touching without the expectation of sex is so huge. If she feels a strong physical connection with you that has nothing to do with sex, she’ll feel more freedom daily, not only with you, but in the world. Where there’s freedom, relief is a constant, so there’s no need to choose relief over sex.

So, sex it is!

4) I’m not even sure how to say this next one without sounding like a bitch or like someone who’s had a very unfortunate sex life.

Not only have I had too much “fast” sex, void of foreplay, but I’ve had too much one-sided sex.

Sex should be like a wonderfully engaging conversation between bodies. There should never be a time when one is talking the whole time, and the other is listening, and listening, aaannd listening. I’ve experienced this more times than I can count; it’s almost like the dude goes into auto-pilot. The “conversation” becomes very unbalanced (the guy making decisions about position, speed and depth) and communication cues that are not loud or dramatic, go completely unnoticed.

It seems obvious, but no woman (or man) I know wants to begin a conversation with someone who doesn’t really listen, and never asks her questions in return. Don’t be that dude (or chick).

5) When’s the last time you saw a sex scene where the lead male role is moaning/groaning/yelling “Yes, Karen!”?

Hmm. This hardly ever happens. It’s completely socially acceptable for a woman to be loud about what feels good, but it’s often hard to tell if a man really appreciates your moves, unless he makes a point of saying later, “Wow when you did ___, that was awesome!” You may only have a vague idea of what was working and what wasn’t.

This lack of clarity about what gets him going is enough to throw a woman off who might otherwise have initiated sex. Anxiety about what really satisfies him inspires some women to simply leave the whole thing up to the man. Let her know when she does something that feels really good.

It’s a simple addition, but one that could make the difference between sending the invite, and merely patiently awaiting an invite herself.

6) Men aren’t mind readers!

Yep. We women get that. We’re trying to communicate our needs, and blah blah yadda yah. But seriously. Men can’t read minds. If, after you’ve made your move, your man seems completely uninterested, there’s a chance that he didn’t recognize your come hither eyes, or the special way you twirled your tongue as an actual invitation to sex.

Don’t let this bum you out. Get courageous and practice verbalizing what you’d like. If you let it, the mere act of speaking up can be hugely arousing. And, if it turns out that he’s actually just not in the mood, let it float on by like a balloon. Taking it personally is the only mistake you could make. There are millions of reasons why you’ve said no in the past (several that have nothing to do with him) and he’s just as human as you are.

Have courage. Stay curious. And keep your heart open.



Relephant Reads:

Most Women Fake Orgasms because Most Men Fake Foreplay. 

Growing Up Sexually.

Bonus! Waylon talks with Lodro Rinzler about sex, relationships & how to be happy and genuine:

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Author: Lucy Animus

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Flickr

When the boyfriend turns down sex (youtube.com)

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Lucy Animus

Lucy Animus is a curious girl from the Midwest who grew up skipping rocks on the Mississippi and pancaking pennies on the railroad tracks. She’s just trying to figure this being human/human being shit out. Writing and yoga help. Answers may also be found whilst snuggling fur friends. But always, it’s that soft shaky voice of love that really spills the beans on being. To connect with Lucy, check out her site.


86 Responses to “6 Reasons She’s Not Initiating Sex. {Adult}”

  1. Ben says:

    That is the number 1 reason why men cheat. Act like you are where you wanna be. If not… he's going to question your level of commitment to him. Which in turn makes his commitment to you. If you aren't passionate about your relationship you definitely taking it for granted. If you don't see a future don't play games. He has invested his time in you. If you aren't going to invest your time and trust then you're playing games. Don't be in a relationship with a man you aren't attracted to and willing to take the chance of trusting him without reservation. She's treating relationships like dating, and if that's a common occurrence with women, there you go.

  2. "arry" says:

    Very interesting article I must say. I am a married Man of 13 years to the most loving and caring person that I have ever know. The thought of her makes me weak in my lower back and knees. She has been my everything. We have two young children at home and she does most of the housework and she also works outside the home with a very flexible schedule. I chip in with chores and assist with the kids as much as possible. Our sex life is fair to sometimes good despite her hysterectomy one year ago. I often tell her how much I love her, I send random messages, and even surprise gifts without expecting anything at all. However, I do feel taken advantage of and sometimes under appreciated because she accepts my kind gestures and gifts but rarely does the reciprocal. In bed I am almost the only one that initiates sex. We have had these discussions for years about why she rarely makes sure that I feel as good as I make her feel inside and outside our bedroom. Most of the time it really sounds like a government teleprompter that doesn’t have a soul or love for me. She plainly cannot tell me why. When we have sex she enjoys it and I know that she loves me. Ladies, we are tired of asking you questions. You never hesitate in giving us your full demands on a grocery list, or telling us that our tie doesn’t match today. You are also vocal about cheating men and about the women who flirt with your man. Why would you get upset about something that another woman does that you do not do. We have all been at a store or mall with our significant other when she notices the cute girl who looks hot and is staring at her man. She hates it! But why wouldn’t she be willing to learn from that woman? A woman should know what her man likes in his tastes. Why don’t you dress like that woman and Flirt like her? Instead you bash him for looking, but when the photo shoot from the next Magic mike I released that’s all of a sudden fair game for you and your girls to admire. Women, sex and sexy are both your responsibility too. I mean, even God gave the man the sperm and you have the egg because it takes two. If you aren’t for what’s ever reason initiating sex you better be prepared for what’s next. He will feel that you do not love him or desire him. Let’s turn the tables. Your man never initiates a kiss, phone call, hug, a simple I love u, or date. How would that make you feel. You would feel unloved. This is what you are doing to him. Plan a date nite and strawberries and see where it goes. Bathe him, go to his job in a sexy dress and ask him to meet you at home tonight when the kids are asleep. Bottom line is: we live in an ecosystem where the strong survive. Weak women get their men stolen by strong women who realize that he is human and has feelings as well. Quit griping about the women stealing men, and the cheating men and play your part. I’m not starved for sex but I am for attention. Just because you are happy doesn’t mean the movie is over. The movie is complete once the Credits are given to the ones who made it all possible. If he is making you happy, you look like a thief by not giving credit and showing your appreciation to whom it is due

  3. Anna says:

    Thank you for writing this!!!! All the things I’ve thought of and needed to hear again!!!!!
    I totally feel ya on all those things!
    Very well said!!! More people need to know/hear from our/this side!!!

  4. Christine Leigh says:

    Beautiful and poignant. As a woman who only began to learn to initiate sex in my late twenties, I can say that it feels AMAZING and truly LIBERATING to be able to now help my love partner in this aspect of our relationship. That the author has become so self-aware and is sharing her insights with other women and men so that they too may benefit- and at only twenty-seven years- is inspiring. I've been practicing initiating now for ten years, and I can tell you, it's a gradual process, but it just gets better and better. I wish you many years of great love and passion <3 <3 <3

  5. Joanna Kerr says:

    He’s clearly not the right guy

  6. Yo says:

    I’m constantly thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because of this matter. I know we’re supposed to get married and live a wonderful life but the mere fact she sent me this link is pathetic. Also pretty pathetic from the author too. Some men are gifted at sex, and throwing out a bunch of reasons to pretend there is no deep physcological disorder is pretty off putting. Sex should flow naturally, whether it’s a quicky in passion or long slow passionate burn. If you’re a man or woman (a human) and you have this problem you better sort your shit out because you’re about to loose / hurt or be cheated on by someone who could make you sincerely happy forever. I’m going to give my lady a chance but if there’s no improvement then we’re simply not meant to be. I love to love and so should you, love is unconditional and should conquer every point made by this author. ♡

  7. Chica says:

    Right. Lack of initiation on the woman's part is why men cheat. What a typical response from a male who refuses to own responsibility for his actions. Blame someone else. Always easier to do that than own betrayal (eye roll).

    When infidelity occurs, the cheating partner bears the brunt of owning most, if not all, of the blame. Not only did the cheating partner choose to ignore or downplay the pre-existing problems, behaviours and conditions that made the relationship vulnerable to cheating, but they actively made the decision to betray their partner instead of facing up to those problems and working through them.

  8. Nick says:

    At least you can articulate your reasons. Thanks for writing them down and offering better insight.

  9. Marc says:

    Ladies, ladies, ladies….listen to the men here.

    Yes some of us will use this as an excuse to cheat. Some will take this as a sign of disinterest, and end up becoming suspicious, confused, and yes even become insecure in the relationship. Men need to feel desired too.

    If you let your man feel like you aren’t interested in him….then yes, it can quite possibly lead to infidelity. Because he would much rather cheat than leave….he doesn’t want to leave you…you just bore him.

    Whether or not you women want to accept that…thats on you. But men don’t like the bullsh*t headgames.

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