6 Reasons She’s Not Initiating Sex. {Adult}

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Warning: Adult content!

I’ll be honest: I’ve probably initiated sex seven times in my entire life, and at least three of those times, it wasn’t really me. It was the tequila.

Maybe I just run with a conservative group of women, but I’m not the only one who finds herself opening a corporeal invite more often than she sends it.

It’s not that I’m never lit head to toe with the kind of carnal desire that demands the demise of buttons and boundaries between bodies. And, I’ve definitely had suitable candidates worthy of receiving such an invite (pretty great boyfriends).

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It’s also not a lack of experience; at 27, I’ve spent the last decade wrestling serious relationships and serious sexcapades.

And still. I hardly ever—that’s right, almost never—initiate sex.

Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why.

Unfortunately, asking a chick why she doesn’t initiate sex is like asking her why her breasts never filled out or why she doesn’t suck dick better. The question itself is heavy enough to push even the healthiest of egos right off a four-post bed.

Why? Because she’s already asked herself it a million times. She’s pressured herself to make the first move. She’s told herself she will. She definitely will.

Next time.

Until then, she’s hoping you don’t notice.

So men, I’m all for communication. Really, truly I am. Especially if the conversation can happen over a warm dinner between limber minds. That’s better than when heads are on pillows, and hearts are soft and open, unprepared for a question that carries the weight of insecurities not yet understood.

That being said, I totally understand why you might ask such a question in bed; maybe she’s turned you down two nights in a row, and as you’re gathering the courage to initiate again, it suddenly pisses you off a little that this whole thing is seemingly all up to you.

I get it, I really do.

But before you go there, it might help if you read this.

This is why I wasn’t initiating sex (and could be why she hasn’t been either).

1) It’s common knowledge; the female body needs a bit of tender loving care to fully unfurl.

And tender loving care often also translates to tiiiime. That’s right. It often takes an investment of time (i.e. more than 42 seconds) before she’s even ready for the whole body to body thing. Sigh.

When I did attempt to initiate sex, my partner (in shock and excitement, probably), often became so enthusiastic, it’s like his attention became completely transfixed on sex organs, bypassing any subtle, slow intimacy I was attempting. Within seconds he was in the driver’s seat again and driving way too fast.

Men often wrongly assume that if a woman initiates sex, she is somehow ready for the actual act of sex. Wrong. She’s ready for whatever she’s currently doing.

Meet her where she is, not where you desperately hope she’s going.

2) I assumed that if he hadn’t already made a move, he wasn’t in the mood.

And, as normal (and even expected) as it seems for a guy to gingerly rest hands and lips on tender places, it’s actually a very, very courageous act, one that comes with the risk of being rejected at your most vulnerable. And though women are often credited with being the gender more willing to embrace vulnerability, there are certain instances where this just isn’t true.

If she thinks you’re not in the mood, rather than risk rejection, she might opt out altogether.

Here’s where I use the F-word. Feminism. There’s one reason it exists: Globally, women aren’t allowed the same freedoms as men. Women are heard less, paid less and victimized more. As a result, females second-guess themselves more often than men, and generally feel less confident in their own decisions and opinions. This is also true in bed. If she wants it but she’s not sure you do she’s less likely to make a move.

So, hold off on the snoring, make eye contact and give her a tiny reason to believe you’re up for it (without actually making the move yourself).

3) Sometimes, frankly the relief of not being pursued overshadows potential sexual desires.

I’m not sure if I’m an outlier, or if all of my previous partners have just been extremely persistent, but unless my man was sick, there’s hardly been a time that I’ve shared a bed with a boyfriend without being pursued sexually. Sometimes, it all just gets to be too much. We can’t turn around without finding a woman (on an ad, or real life) in the midst of overt sexualization. When this feeling extends to your own bedroom, you’ve got trouble.

This is why routine touching without the expectation of sex is so huge. If she feels a strong physical connection with you that has nothing to do with sex, she’ll feel more freedom daily, not only with you, but in the world. Where there’s freedom, relief is a constant, so there’s no need to choose relief over sex.

So, sex it is!

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4) I’m not even sure how to say this next one without sounding like a bitch or like someone who’s had a very unfortunate sex life.

Not only have I had too much “fast” sex, void of foreplay, but I’ve had too much one-sided sex.

Sex should be like a wonderfully engaging conversation between bodies. There should never be a time when one is talking the whole time, and the other is listening, and listening, aaannd listening. I’ve experienced this more times than I can count; it’s almost like the dude goes into auto-pilot. The “conversation” becomes very unbalanced (the guy making decisions about position, speed and depth) and communication cues that are not loud or dramatic, go completely unnoticed.

It seems obvious, but no woman (or man) I know wants to begin a conversation with someone who doesn’t really listen, and never asks her questions in return. Don’t be that dude (or chick).

5) When’s the last time you saw a sex scene where the lead male role is moaning/groaning/yelling “Yes, Karen!”?

Hmm. This hardly ever happens. It’s completely socially acceptable for a woman to be loud about what feels good, but it’s often hard to tell if a man really appreciates your moves, unless he makes a point of saying later, “Wow when you did ___, that was awesome!” You may only have a vague idea of what was working and what wasn’t.

This lack of clarity about what gets him going is enough to throw a woman off who might otherwise have initiated sex. Anxiety about what really satisfies him inspires some women to simply leave the whole thing up to the man. Let her know when she does something that feels really good.

It’s a simple addition, but one that could make the difference between sending the invite, and merely patiently awaiting an invite herself.

6) Men aren’t mind readers!

Yep. We women get that. We’re trying to communicate our needs, and blah blah yadda yah. But seriously. Men can’t read minds. If, after you’ve made your move, your man seems completely uninterested, there’s a chance that he didn’t recognize your come hither eyes, or the special way you twirled your tongue as an actual invitation to sex.

Don’t let this bum you out. Get courageous and practice verbalizing what you’d like. If you let it, the mere act of speaking up can be hugely arousing. And, if it turns out that he’s actually just not in the mood, let it float on by like a balloon. Taking it personally is the only mistake you could make. There are millions of reasons why you’ve said no in the past (several that have nothing to do with him) and he’s just as human as you are.

Have courage. Stay curious. And keep your heart open.

Win an Awaken Your Senses Intimacy Package from Foria.

author: Lucy Animus

Image: helga/Flickr

Editor: Emily Bartran

What to do when our Relationships get Tough.

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maria.r Feb 18, 2019 6:48am

My ex husband definitely pursued to seduce.
When I left him he cried and said to my vagina….”I’ll miss you!”
I was a just a vagina to him.
He now has a new vagina.

anonymous Mar 26, 2016 9:56am

Ladies, ladies, ladies….listen to the men here.

Yes some of us will use this as an excuse to cheat. Some will take this as a sign of disinterest, and end up becoming suspicious, confused, and yes even become insecure in the relationship. Men need to feel desired too.

If you let your man feel like you aren’t interested in him….then yes, it can quite possibly lead to infidelity. Because he would much rather cheat than leave….he doesn’t want to leave you…you just bore him.

Whether or not you women want to accept that…thats on you. But men don’t like the bullsh*t headgames.

anonymous Mar 5, 2016 5:06pm

At least you can articulate your reasons. Thanks for writing them down and offering better insight.

anonymous Feb 19, 2016 11:13am

Right. Lack of initiation on the woman's part is why men cheat. What a typical response from a male who refuses to own responsibility for his actions. Blame someone else. Always easier to do that than own betrayal (eye roll).

When infidelity occurs, the cheating partner bears the brunt of owning most, if not all, of the blame. Not only did the cheating partner choose to ignore or downplay the pre-existing problems, behaviours and conditions that made the relationship vulnerable to cheating, but they actively made the decision to betray their partner instead of facing up to those problems and working through them.

anonymous Feb 18, 2016 9:35pm

I’m constantly thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because of this matter. I know we’re supposed to get married and live a wonderful life but the mere fact she sent me this link is pathetic. Also pretty pathetic from the author too. Some men are gifted at sex, and throwing out a bunch of reasons to pretend there is no deep physcological disorder is pretty off putting. Sex should flow naturally, whether it’s a quicky in passion or long slow passionate burn. If you’re a man or woman (a human) and you have this problem you better sort your shit out because you’re about to loose / hurt or be cheated on by someone who could make you sincerely happy forever. I’m going to give my lady a chance but if there’s no improvement then we’re simply not meant to be. I love to love and so should you, love is unconditional and should conquer every point made by this author. ♡

anonymous Jan 22, 2016 11:15am

He’s clearly not the right guy

anonymous Jan 3, 2016 4:41am

Beautiful and poignant. As a woman who only began to learn to initiate sex in my late twenties, I can say that it feels AMAZING and truly LIBERATING to be able to now help my love partner in this aspect of our relationship. That the author has become so self-aware and is sharing her insights with other women and men so that they too may benefit- and at only twenty-seven years- is inspiring. I've been practicing initiating now for ten years, and I can tell you, it's a gradual process, but it just gets better and better. I wish you many years of great love and passion <3 <3 <3

anonymous Jan 2, 2016 7:12am

Thank you for writing this!!!! All the things I’ve thought of and needed to hear again!!!!!
I totally feel ya on all those things!
Very well said!!! More people need to know/hear from our/this side!!!

anonymous Dec 27, 2015 5:52pm

Very interesting article I must say. I am a married Man of 13 years to the most loving and caring person that I have ever know. The thought of her makes me weak in my lower back and knees. She has been my everything. We have two young children at home and she does most of the housework and she also works outside the home with a very flexible schedule. I chip in with chores and assist with the kids as much as possible. Our sex life is fair to sometimes good despite her hysterectomy one year ago. I often tell her how much I love her, I send random messages, and even surprise gifts without expecting anything at all. However, I do feel taken advantage of and sometimes under appreciated because she accepts my kind gestures and gifts but rarely does the reciprocal. In bed I am almost the only one that initiates sex. We have had these discussions for years about why she rarely makes sure that I feel as good as I make her feel inside and outside our bedroom. Most of the time it really sounds like a government teleprompter that doesn’t have a soul or love for me. She plainly cannot tell me why. When we have sex she enjoys it and I know that she loves me. Ladies, we are tired of asking you questions. You never hesitate in giving us your full demands on a grocery list, or telling us that our tie doesn’t match today. You are also vocal about cheating men and about the women who flirt with your man. Why would you get upset about something that another woman does that you do not do. We have all been at a store or mall with our significant other when she notices the cute girl who looks hot and is staring at her man. She hates it! But why wouldn’t she be willing to learn from that woman? A woman should know what her man likes in his tastes. Why don’t you dress like that woman and Flirt like her? Instead you bash him for looking, but when the photo shoot from the next Magic mike I released that’s all of a sudden fair game for you and your girls to admire. Women, sex and sexy are both your responsibility too. I mean, even God gave the man the sperm and you have the egg because it takes two. If you aren’t for what’s ever reason initiating sex you better be prepared for what’s next. He will feel that you do not love him or desire him. Let’s turn the tables. Your man never initiates a kiss, phone call, hug, a simple I love u, or date. How would that make you feel. You would feel unloved. This is what you are doing to him. Plan a date nite and strawberries and see where it goes. Bathe him, go to his job in a sexy dress and ask him to meet you at home tonight when the kids are asleep. Bottom line is: we live in an ecosystem where the strong survive. Weak women get their men stolen by strong women who realize that he is human and has feelings as well. Quit griping about the women stealing men, and the cheating men and play your part. I’m not starved for sex but I am for attention. Just because you are happy doesn’t mean the movie is over. The movie is complete once the Credits are given to the ones who made it all possible. If he is making you happy, you look like a thief by not giving credit and showing your appreciation to whom it is due

anonymous Dec 23, 2015 8:39am

That is the number 1 reason why men cheat. Act like you are where you wanna be. If not… he's going to question your level of commitment to him. Which in turn makes his commitment to you. If you aren't passionate about your relationship you definitely taking it for granted. If you don't see a future don't play games. He has invested his time in you. If you aren't going to invest your time and trust then you're playing games. Don't be in a relationship with a man you aren't attracted to and willing to take the chance of trusting him without reservation. She's treating relationships like dating, and if that's a common occurrence with women, there you go.

anonymous Dec 16, 2015 2:31pm

As a man, what drives me crazy is never ever having her initiate. Not even seduction, not even touching, not even a glimpse of flesh and sure as hell not walking around naked. Is this so difficult for women? Is it so hard just to simply walk around naked, or touch your dude? I just don’t get it. It just seems like we have to touch and touch and touch and stroke and caress and then never be on the receiving end of her much desired but never occurring initiation.

anonymous Dec 10, 2015 12:16am

Reading the article and comments it is obvious that many people view their sexual interaction from within traditional roles. To move beyond the discomfort and pain that so often destroy our relationships we need to shift our perspective.

For those of us conscious of the process, balancing the flow of energy between male and female is a priority at all levels, within ourselves, our relationships and the collective state of consciousness.

This process really comes into focus when it comes to sex. This essential but misunderstood part of the human experience holds the potential of being an incredible vehicle for transformation and growth. This is especially true in a relationships where being authentic is a prerequisite for real happiness.

No matter what we call it or the experiences we blame for it, our discomfort in connecting with one another should draw our attention to an inherent fear or insecurity (energy blockage in our personal field) and offers us the opportunity to reprogram our way of being once we become aware of it.

The key to a truly fulfilling and satisfying relationship is our ability to step out of our role play as dominant or submissive, the courage to let go of the intricate self defense mechanisms we have put in place and the authentic expression of our needs and fears with those we love.

While we remain stuck in roleplays needing external sources of love, acceptance and validation, fear and pain are a natural part of the process.

In your relationships, be authentic, be vulnerable and when you feel pain or discomfort, look inside yourself at which part of you is reacting and know that this is the true purpose of your connection with others. Be inquisitive and follow that lead inside yourself until you become aware how that same fear affects all aspects of your life. It is this awareness that will give you the strength and courage to face that aspect of your being and allow you to make choices. There choices reprogram your being and dissolve the blockage in your field. This will allow energy to flow more freely in your life empowering you to create more effectively.

anonymous Nov 24, 2015 2:29pm

I am a woman who initiated sex, who initiated flirting and fun and suggestiveness and naughtiness and surprise dates and romance. It came naturally to me when I entered what was to become my first serious and sexual relationship at age 19. I didn’t initiate at the beginning of our relationship, but after we got to know each other, fell in love and I came to trust him and he taught me sex. That caused me to discover a new side of myself, – I discovered my sexual self and I un-selfconsciously and freely expressed myself sexually with him. He was luke warm in his responses and over time became cold, although that didn’t completely deter me. During our relationship he told me that he was attracted to a male friend of his, he was clearly distressed and confused about his own sexuality but I was young and ignored what he said. Our relationship eventually came to an end after 2 1/2 years when I worried that I might be pregnant (he drifted away very quickly, found another woman, didn’t tell me). I was in fact pregnant and later miscarried without support. I shut down for a long time after that. I internalised all the hurt and blamed myself and somehow attached it to my sexual expression. I no longer initiated. I held back, thinking that was wiser and safer and that it was what smart women do. (I also didn’t enjoy sex anywhere near as much as I had – I was holding back emotionally). Last year I contacted an old friend who kept coming into my thoughts in a sexual way – we met up, I initiated and we had wonderful, glorious, uninhibited sex that was fun and intense at the same time. I found myself again.

anonymous Nov 24, 2015 12:16pm

After struggling for about 40 years on this issue I am seeking out libido killing drugs. Just tired of trying and I want to focus my efforts on something that I have a chance of any kind of emotional / intellectual return. It doesnt look like dating can be one of them.

anonymous Nov 24, 2015 9:16am

I am a wise old man of the world, and in my years of experience I have learned something important about the fairer sex: If you have to ask, the answer is going to be no.   Every sweet kiss I have ever enjoyed has just happened, as a natural outflow of circumstance and a growing sense of closeness. Don’t worry about the end goal, gentlemen; that will take care of itself. Just focus on the present moment, and enjoy the closeness that is. That will be so appreciated that the next moment will come along soon enough.

anonymous Oct 6, 2015 4:34pm

All about the woman…once again

anonymous Oct 4, 2015 11:56am

Much like my never initiating wife, this article breaks my heart, makes me angry, then breaks my heart again.

To be physically ignored by the woman I've pledged my life to leaves me feeling invisible and repulsive.

I've made the now apparent mistake of asking her why, listening, and trying to "be better" i.e. helping more at home, making more money, engaging in more conversation etc.
However, this article has effectively killed any hope of my marriage improving. At this point I'm more interested in learning how to navigate a divorce without becoming a misogynist. But to that point I have to say that women who don't show physical affection to their husbands (both non sexual and sexual) are just assholes.

Expecting life long fidelity from a man you deem good enough to marry yet refuse to touch is just a shitty, awful thing to do to a person. Despite the verbosity, eloquence, and wonderfully humorous lilt of the reasons why a woman choses not to touch her husband, the essence of the argument is: "I don't feel like it and I'm not going to tell you why."

And that, people, is exactly the kind of shitty, awful thing an asshole would do to someone they say they love. 

Despite that though I remain an optimist. I know for a fact that all women are indeed not assholes. And after my inevitable divorce and a bit of time alone to process my feelings, I look forward to meeting, talking to, and having relationships with some of those great women. All while deftly navigating around the other kind of women out there. You know, those previously mentioned assholes. 

anonymous Jul 31, 2015 7:26pm

I relate to your words too Lucy; I have also rarely initiated sex. Thanks for an interesting read. I have also never chased, seduced or pursued a guy. They have always pursued me instead.

anonymous Jul 9, 2015 10:38am

It's hard to see yourself as desirable when you're always the one doing 100% of the initiating. And I know women are more passive and all that. But women, it doesn't kill you if you initiate once in a freakin' time. Guess what, men also want to know that you want him. If you like it so much to be pursued to feel desired, why is it so hard for you women to understand that men also want to feel wanted. Woman up instead of the tiresome convention that men are resposible for every g*ddamn thing.

anonymous Jul 5, 2015 1:12pm

Just read this article and believe this opens a very necessary conversation but gives very dangerous advice. I am married, but I have been divorced once. One of the largest driving factors was that I always had to initiate sex. We had an active sexlife but it always depended on me making the move, doing the right actions (making dinner, putting the kids to bed, getting the house in order, and then, maybe if she was in the mood, we would go at it. That gets old very quickly. I understand that men and women are wired differently, but to some extent I need a wife/ partner who (excuse my expression) wants to fuck me, like this very second. At the end of our marriage I just stopped trying to see if she would initiate it. She never did for 6 months. End result is I cheated on her. I very regret much regret doing that. I should have divorced her first but I took the easy way out and cheated. When she found out she still wanted me back, but that’s when I realized I knew her, and she wasn’t going to enjoy giving me what I needed and initiated the divorce. Long story short. I am now happily remarried to a non sexually repressed woman, after 5 years it seems like we are intimacy is growing. Not that we haven’t experiencd droughts, but when we have, via our work schedules, activities, kids, etc, we prioritize each other’s needs and don’t make excuses for ourselves like “it makes me uncomfortable” or “what’s in it for me”. It’s about making this thing work.

anonymous Jul 4, 2015 11:10pm

Lucy, I love your article and commend you for sharing. I find it disheartening that so many people are closed -minded or at best not honest enough to admit they too have encountered these very issues or feelings. I have had a wonderful sex life and yet I still find myself a bit reluctant to initiate sex. What I have learned (why your article speaks to me) is that my reluctance has been based on the partner that I'm with. The love of my life used to be a critical lover, he wanted a porn star or specific acts that I was not versed enough in and that caused some hesitation on my end to even open up to sex. I met Kevin during our breakup and sex with him was easy. The experience with him was so spiritual, free, caring, giving, gentle, and well…I'm not sure who initiated, we were in constant seduction. There was also Herman at some point in my sex life who could not grasp the concept of intimacy. He wanted me to be on at all times, desire him at all times, and take him whenever I felt it. He was a very very very sexy man but a fast fast fast and abrasive partner. No matter how much I communicated "slow down, be gentle" he moved so fast that I felt nothing but groping. Ha…I even went to the doctors because I thought my VJJ had gone numb. He self diagnosed me as Non-Sexual. It was awful and the more I communicated, the worst the relationship became overall. I had no desire to experience the Jack Hammer. It was a one man show and ended it. So as "definitive" as people have claimed your language to be and as much as folks have blamed your experiences on the lack of communication… I understand and didn't at all take you for a victim. Some things just are what they are… i.e. Some men are POOR lovers, and some women don't initiate because they simply FEAR rejection. Kudos…

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 3:13pm

I love these.

anonymous Jun 25, 2015 2:21pm

I think it's ok to be someone who doesn't initiate sex. People torment themselves with so much unnecessary stuff. If two people are happy together, what does it matter?

anonymous May 16, 2015 9:58am

I'm 24. I used to have hang-ups about sex and rarely initiated. I also find that I've had your experience with most men in my life. They rush into things, skip the foreplay, and are utterly selfish and focused on what they are gaining from the experience. They would act as if sex is about them without taking me into consideration. When I tried vocalizing what was wrong with the relationship, the men in my life would take it as a personal attack so I would just leave it be. This would often lead to bad sex. It left me wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't enjoy sex. I figured that I was just broken and didn't like it.

Now I'm in an amazing relationship with a generous lover who is 10 years my senior. I don't even find myself needing lots of foreplay to get things started and I'm always receptive to sex. I know that when we do have sex, it is more about the journey than the destination and we both leave feeling satisfied. This has also made me much more confident, comfortable, and active in bed. We entered this relationship with open communication already set up between us. I feel free and uninhibited and I don't mind vocalizing exactly what I want. However, for the past several months I've found myself doing almost all of the initiating. While I didn't mind initially, and I was able to brush off rejection easily, I'm starting to find it disheartening. I used to enjoy the power and control I felt by being the initiator. But now It leaves me wondering if I still do it for them.

anonymous Apr 25, 2015 2:04am

I have no problem with this article written from a personal level but being a man 20 years older than the writers age I’m going to have to disagree with much of it. Values towards Sex have changed greatly in many directions as much as they have in regards to the stereotypes of male and female roles that were from the 40s and 50s.

Let me say this, if as a woman you leave the start of foreplay to your men you will end up with a man who feels unloved and unwanted sexually, I think most women here know exactly how to make the first move some of the time and how important that is to their other half.

Welcome to 2015,things have changed.

anonymous Apr 13, 2015 10:30pm

I can't believe how negative some of your male readers have been in response to this article. I just want to say thank you because reading your article was like listening to someone finally put the struggles I have had most of my sex life into clear, concise words. I have never had fear of initiating (your tips #2 and #5) but have tried many times to articulate to myself and others the things you said in the rest of your piece. And to the men who have scolded you for your vulnerability, well guys, you're the ones we're talking about and your lack of consideration for this point of view is exactly why it exists. Thank you, Lucy. You have a new avid reader on your hands. Keep at it.

anonymous Apr 13, 2015 6:19am

This is strange… I am usually the one to initiate sex because my boyfriend is usually always accepting of a nice time together. I never knew so many women were too insecure to do so or that it's "unladylike". Makes me feel like the black sheep..

anonymous Feb 1, 2015 12:41pm

Thank you so much for this article! I am all over in here – mostly, #s 1, 3 and 4. Really helpful for me, who has suffered a lot in the process of trying to figure myself out.

anonymous Jan 31, 2015 5:13am

I was sexually abused as a child. So, at a very young age, I learned that in order to be in control of this part of my life, I had to be the seducer. However, the only way I had the guts to do this, and to get past my inhibitions, I was always intoxicated. Now, I have trouble initiating when I’m sober. I’m finally with the love of my life. But, I realized early on that he is not in the mood as much as I am. When I initiate, I usually get rejected. I keep thinking, what man doesn’t want his woman to initiate? So, I always find myself saying, next time I’ll initiate. We have a great relationship. I just wish I didn’t have such inhibitions. So many times, I just want to grab him and take him! Maybe next time! Lol

anonymous Jan 7, 2015 11:55am

This sounds like a very selfish person. Is it all about her? A man should always want to please his woman, and a woman should always want to please her man. It takes the effort from both sides to have a successful relationship. If that takes talking to learn what you do and don't like then talk, unless as I said you only care about yourself.

anonymous Jan 6, 2015 12:59pm

This girl may be telling the truth from most women's perspective.
She does sound like she's found mainly "Mr average" in bed. See point #4.
One sided? Yeah, I find that too.
Made my GF come to about 60 orgasms last time, legs shaking, baely able to breathe.
Oh, she never says no, but her thing is mainly to receive, not so much to actively pursue giving me pleasure.
Yeah, a bit one-sided I think…

anonymous Jan 3, 2015 5:29pm

"Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why."

I cannot understand your reasoning here. Why is this a mistake? The fact that you were not initiating sex made these men insecure about your feelings towards them, but they probably wanted to continue the relationship. They may have considered other reasons, such as the ones you have given, but they had no way of knowing. When you did not communicate the reasons why you weren't initiating sex, they did the only thing they could do. They asked you, offering you a chance at communicating, and it seems that you probably decided against it.

I understand that you're under pressure, and that is hurtful, but it doesn't change the fact that your partner needs to be told how you're feeling. Nobody wants to feel like they are pestering their partner for sex. You also need to make sure he's telling you how he's feeling. If asking him is a difficulty, then your relationship is going to be troublesome.

Even with my own knowledge of this subject, my last relationship ended partially because my ex girlfriend didn't communicate enough. I believe she felt the same as you in many ways. She very rarely initiated sex, and I could only make assumptions about the reasons why. This could only go on for a certain period of time though. Eventually I felt that she didn't want to have sex with me anymore, and that I had been pressuring her. So when I stopped initiating, and she didn't explain what she was thinking, our sex life went into decline. By the time I discovered that she really didn't want it to end, it was too late, and I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. I'm not saying it was all about sex, but the truth is that she did want to have more sex and did want the relationship to continue, but I couldn't keep trying to convince myself of these things without her telling me.

anonymous Dec 26, 2014 6:33am

There is a special level of condescension in a perspective that says "I have problems and weaknesses, and it is not only your fault, but your job to solve them".

It is this perspective that is why men have historically ruled the world and women merely live in it. I'm sorry it's this way. I wish it WASN'T this way today and historically. I also refuse to sit back and watch something that self-defeating drag women down back into what they've fought so hard in recent years to climb out of. Consider rewriting this article with less passive-aggressive condescension.

anonymous Dec 19, 2014 2:34pm

Too many excuses. Life is meant to be enjoyed not over contemplated to the point of mental paralysis. Women need to understand that when they refuse to initiate sex they come off as manipulative and controlling. If that is what you want to convey then great. However, if you want to be seen as a partner in the relationship and a caring, loving, and emotionally mature adult, then you need to hurdle your hang ups and get over it.

In 32 years I have never seen a women initiating sex as anything but the action of a confident, mature, woman. Get over your hang ups and insecurities.

anonymous Dec 10, 2014 12:37pm

Dear Lucy Animus,

I like your glasses, I think you look good in them. This piece has everything to do with the males. Men want sex all the time most of them, but pushing the issue with the girl your with will only hurt you. Try ignoring her and letting her do her own thing till she wonders whats up with that. Some guys spend all there time trying to get laid. Listen up u duche bags if you treat women as equals and as a friend give them there space and do what you need to do. They’ll notice the difference cause there use to the regular male loser. Come after them when there not expecting it and put everything you got into driving them wild for the night. Drink some liquor or take some pills take your time (that means longer than 10 min) and they’ll return the favor 10 fold. Women have the upper hand in relationships were just there to win there favor.

anonymous Dec 10, 2014 9:47am

Saying “initiate sex” kind of dances around what’s really happening. I don’t initiate sex with my wife, I put myself out there, and ask for her to help me with a need I have by sharing an intimate experience with me that is the physical expression of our love. Being rejected is no easy thing. Fortunately,my desire won’t go away, and it will take more courage to ask next time, but it will eventually happen.

Great article, overall, and thanks for the insights. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

anonymous Dec 9, 2014 10:01am

Just as it takes a lot to put yourself out there to initiate sex, you have certainly put yourself out there to write this article. Something many of the people leaving comments here will never do. So kudos to you and learn from this experience and apply it to the confidence you need to initiate sex, your partner(s) will appreciated it. Thank you for providing your perspective, I took from it what I needed so I have the knowledge I need in case I meet that woman who has similar concerns.

I would just like to add my thoughts around healthy relationships. I think healthy relationships (intimate, friendships or even family) are about the understanding between two people that responsibility is not only shared but varies. When I hear people say “relationships are 50/50”, I scoff. Relationships are 50/50 but also 80/20, 10/90, 65/35…. Expectations and communications are critical in order foster a healthy relationship and that’s how you grow. The concern I have with your article is that I get the feeling you are sacrificing personal growth which will improve your relationships, all of them!

If I was dating a person with the same issues presented in this article I would hope I had created enough trust with her she could confide in me these are issues for her. And in that conversation I would want us to talk openly about how each of us could help each other grow from this knowledge and in the end create a stronger relationship.

Remember, “Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone!”

anonymous Dec 9, 2014 9:53am

This article sounds like it is geared towards relationships, so I’m coming at it from that perspective. Quit whining! My gf has no issues telling me exactly what’s on her mind, and I respect it 100%. If I get denied, sure it sucks a little bit, but I grow a pair and deal with it. It’s all about mutual respect and understanding.

anonymous Dec 2, 2014 9:32pm

Interesting article. It is a shame that men don’t get into foreplay. However, I will say some things in men’s defense from my personal experience. Women not only don’t initiate sex, but are often really terrible at foreplay as well. The women I have been with are often very passive in bed. They might do a little of this or a little of that, but I feel like I end up doing 70% of the work. Women want me to caress their body, but don’t really caress mine. I found a real break through in my relationship was when I was asked for more foreplay. I asked her specifically what more that she wanted. She said the typical,” I don’t know, just more foreplay.” So, I told her to take control and do to me what she wanted me to do to her. Let me tell you, it was fantastic. It was eye opening for her to realize how passive in bed she was and it was eye opening for me to be on the receiving end of the attention. I understood why women love foreplay, but I’m no longer willing to let her be passive, either. I want foreplay, too!

anonymous Nov 29, 2014 8:29am

Some men would be upset with a woman who clearly and demonstrably initiated.
But I think the author misses that some men are hurt, even severely wounded, when their partner never or rarely initiates. And being open to sex isn't enough.

anonymous Nov 29, 2014 8:16am

I almost never reply to articles I read, but after reading the comments, I feel I must. I have been married for five years and my wife is incredible, but also very hesitant to initiate. This article is very well written and insightful. The author is open about searching for ways to improve herself and confident about who she is. That is awesome. If we were all more like this, willing to be vulnerable and optimistic at the same time, this world would be a better place, and not just in the bedroom. I would like to thank Lucy for sharing her perspective. Many of the negative comments above I see as written from men who are much more interested in fantasizing about sex than loving a woman for who she is.

anonymous Nov 28, 2014 7:00pm

Thank you for speaking for the many women out there who don’t fall into the sex-goddess archetype. As wonderful as it is to hear that particular empowering narrative, it can leave women feeling doubly insecure for not living up to the ideal. Your voice is a wonderful contribution to the conversation about women’s sexuality and women’s bodies.

anonymous Nov 28, 2014 9:56am

Hey John. Thanks so much! I really appreciate your feedback, and your kindness. Definitely made me smile, Lucy

anonymous Nov 28, 2014 2:39am

I liked this. It is funny and smart and…useful.

anonymous Nov 27, 2014 10:42am

Lucy. Reading some people's comments is really disheartening. You CERTAINLY are not the only woman who feels this way. For people to take jabs at your "insecurity" and for men to take offense is bothersome. I loved your article and totally get where u r coming from. I have also experienced those one-sided intimacy "conversations". I am very confident and often vocal and explicit about what I want in intimacy but also completely see how being unheard in sexual encounters can shit down my desire to express sexuality or initiate. …. Another point to note is that many men still judge women who are explicit about what they want, calling her a freak, or slut, etc. That's a big reason a lot of women try to act shy, or are afraid to initiate with conference. Also, everyone is different and certain people hand a smaller sexual appetite than others, though I know that you are taking about something different in this post. Additionally, the porn industry teaches men all kinds of wrong ideas about women's sexuality. …Just because a woman doesn't grab someone's genitals and tell him what to do with them, it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't confident! Maybe that's not how she expresses sexuality. I know i don't respond well to partners who use that aggressive approach to my body. Keep writing pieces like this. 🙂

    anonymous Nov 28, 2014 10:09am

    Hi Sasha, reading your comment was like snuggling right into a warm blanket. Thanks so much for taking the time to reach out and for recognizing that there is a real person writing each of these articles. And sometimes, yeah it is scary to be that vulnerable. So comments like yours are like little hugs to one's courage. Also, thanks for bringing up the other side of the conversation. It's true that a woman who is really forward about her desires sometimes faces adversity as well. It's for this reason that I also write articles like this one, helping to clear some space for those of us who might be looking for something that's a bit unexpected in the bedroom."http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/11/how-to-light-a-creative-chick-up-in-bed-adult/.&quot; Thanks again, Sasha! Lucy

anonymous Nov 18, 2014 2:19am

This man truly appreciates your vulnerability and honesty in writing this article. I loved it, and am grateful.
I have been married to a wonderful woman for decades…and have almost ALWAYS been the one to initiate sex. There have been many times where I wonderd why – creating stories which all simply reflected my own insecurities. It took a long time for me to finally understand that it actually had nothing to do with me. (She always said that; I just never BELIEVED it!)
We have a wonderful and loving sex life. I just accept that it is going to be me who is the initiator most of the time. And that's fine. She let's me know if she is not in the mood – and as it turns out, that's a surprisingly rare occurrence. 🙂

She is my best friend and the mother of my children, and I'd do just about anything for her. Ironically, that included finally believing her in that her lack of 'initiating' was not about me at all. I trust that she will let me know what she needs and when. I do my best to do the same. That, I believe, is a huge part of what real intimacy is all about – after all.
Thank you again for a wonderful article.

    anonymous Nov 19, 2014 7:07am

    And this woman truly appreciates your kind words! Really, truly. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm happy that this article resonated so nicely with you. It sounds like you have a very lovely relationship with your wife; congratulations on cultivating a relationship full of so much transparency and understanding. And like you said, when we finally stop identifying with the stories in our heads and instead allow the truth to unfold, we often find that the stories told us much more about our own fears and doubts than they did about the actual situation. Sometimes, things are less complicated (though no less complex) than they seem. In sincere gratitude, Lucy

    anonymous Nov 27, 2014 10:42am

    you totally rock – its so nice to see that you, because you deeply care for your wife and would like clarity about intimacy, have chosen to listen to lucy's words, with an open heart. I'm smiling. happy thanksgiving.

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 1:15pm

I'm glad to see the tone of the comments here… I had the same reaction.

I don't think this author is ready to give advice to men. Not in general, and maybe not even for herself. I mean to say that gently. Saying that a different way, I think this article does as much to confuse men as it does to help them on their path.

I see lots of conflicting advice and some faulty conclusions (if we were speaking generally). As for the authors experiences… I think "good sex" takes "two." It's about a good fit. The author describes moments I've felt in my life, but when it wasn't a good fit.

For the author I would hope that she finds a better fit, and maybe an experienced lover that can lead, read her well, and provide some better experiences.

    anonymous Nov 18, 2014 8:08pm

    Hi, thanks a lot for taking the time to comment. And though I appreciate your gentle concern, I do believe I've done quite a bit of exploring in my 27 years (not a terribly long time, I know) and I've also had some very fulfilling sexual experiences. In fact, though this article focuses on hesitations I've had initiating, one of my latest is all about enjoying the action (you can check it out here if you'd like: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/11/how-to-lig…. And though your advice to find an "experienced lover that can lead" is interesting, I think that by simply giving the reigns to someone else because I'm feeling a bit hesitant may actually make initiating sex even less likely (for me anyway). I've found that the better I understand the seed of my hesitancy, the easier it is to initiate. It's for this reason that I decided to share what I'd learned from my own experiences. Thanks again. Sincerely, Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 1:12pm

I enjoyed this article! Many parts of it resonated with my own personal experience as I'm sure it would for many women. It was clarifying and grounding for some of my recent process with my partner. Thanks!

    anonymous Nov 28, 2014 10:22am

    So great that you enjoyed this Kaya! And I'm truly honored to be even the tiniest bit involved in helping you feel more grounded. Thanks for stop by and leaving me with such a nice note. Sincerely, Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 1:00pm

So true. My guy is wondering why I don't initiate more. We have been together a few months and I'm 47, he's 53. We aren't kids, but both came from bad marriages where sex ended years before. He obviously wants to get his game back, and I'm trying to find mine. And his drive is much higher than mine …

I think I was always told that initiating wasn't ladylike. I have had a few men who like to be in control, so having someone who is ok with it is new …

And perimenopause doesn't help … 🙁

I'm trying to remember it's ok. But it's ok to just snuggle with many women too. ( At least acc. to my friends.)

    anonymous Nov 28, 2014 10:16am

    Hi Amelia, thanks so much for adding your perspective. The more we voice what's true for us, the freer everyone else is to do the same. So, thank you. I know that many women are still caged by the idea that initiating is somehow unladylike, but hopefully that idea is starting to change. As far as your relationship goes, I think that the more you communicate what you're going through to your man, the more likely you'll be to find a way to make the pieces fit. I wish you the best of luck! Thank you. Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 10:29am

Hey Ana! Thanks for commenting. Interesting advice, but I don't think that libido has much to do with it in my particular case. Really the quality of my sex life was not the topic of the piece, rather, I was exploring reasons why I was not initiating sex. Though the two things are in many ways connected, at the same time, they can be quite separate issues. For example someone may have trouble initiating, but once the action starts, the sex is wonderful and fulfilling. Either way, further exploration seems infinitely necessary in nearly every aspect of life. Thanks again for connecting. Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 9:28am

Thank you for this article! I see so much of myself in these words and you’ve said it all so perfectly.

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 12:58pm

    Hi Tracy, so wonderful to hear! It's not always easy to write about things so personal, but it becomes even more worth it when you hear that your words really resonate with someone else. I'm really grateful for such kind words. A million thanks, Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 8:48am

Maybe you’ll have more experience, after 27.

Maybe you’ll have a partner with a lower libido than your, that would automatically will get you getting things started. Maybe you’ll spend more time single or become curious about different things. Maybe you’ll see more movies, I don’t know.

I appreciate your point of view, but… keep exploring.

    anonymous Dec 10, 2014 8:28am

    I'm going to disagree with you Ana, because for me and my husband sex doesn't always mean intercourse. Flirting, massaging, or just simply putting your energy into making them feel good is all very arousing and satisfying. I think the author will, of course, keep exploring and as she stated NUMEROUS times, this article is also her personal perspective, which cannot make it wrong, just wrong for you. You imply that because of her age she can't possibly know and that may be true, but adding your opinion in a condescending way doesn't add to the conversation at all. Maybe just share your experience and ways you overcame it so that we can have all perspectives.

    anonymous Dec 10, 2014 9:31am

    No one could've said sintering more useful than Ana.

    The essay was bewildering, packed with one sided perspective of a limited experience. At 27, call them what you will, but you do not have…. miles under your belt. Evidently a mile walk in your shoes would not show much variety in change, or landscape, or manscape. That's quite ok, it's common and normal and healthy even.

    But, really, the article only summarizes one theme clearly and that is regardless of how the generation of millennials knows all, how every second of their existence has been with every piece of historical readily available at their whim via googling fingertips, that they know everything and yet nothing at the same time.

    Her article borders on irresponsible as it takes on authoritarian tone with the perspective of her thesis given creedence due to her gender alone.

    Ana, very delicately, lays out the blatant and the obvious. Maybe something beyond 27 years will give new meaning and refresh or even test long proven perspectives.

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 7:16am

As most scientists agree with, Darwin was wrong in his second book on why is it that men make the first move .. i.e. 'The Decent of Man'. The advantage of a single sex to accept or reject if another's genes is going to survive is not biologically inherent to a specific sex but is cultural and to do with gender! (if you have yet to understand the difference between gender and sex I implore your for the sake of your species to find out!)

Culture is not your friend, such behavioural pattens of inequality come as no surprise when you look at the ratio of male to female suicide, being a man can be really sad. love is free, innocent & beautiful, let it go bro.

We need to know what our opposite sex unfairly experiences due to social values. Inequality comes is various guises, and never making the first move is one of them. So i ask, please accept your fair share of rejection and loss with the one you are attached with. (…and yes you can be persuasively subtle in your seduction if you so wish)

i.e. women need to grow a dick and men need to stop being one.

be well & keep your peace
.rafal

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 8:57am

    I love this article. I just want to add, a women's sexual needs and desires change throughout a relationship and throughout her life. She may when she is younger have a stronger sex drive, and when a relationship is new it may be stronger. She may like an aggressive start to sex at one point in the relationship but need more loving coaxing at another point. Talking about what we, as women want, is so important. Telling men what turns us on is smart. We may have to tell them several times and in different ways.

      anonymous Nov 20, 2014 11:22am

      Hi Barbara, thanks so much for this awesome comment! I think that you brought up one of the most important points w of successful sexual relations, which is just being more open about our desires. And like you, said, our desires may be always changing (like everything else in life). Thanks again for this comment. I appreciate your thoughtful contribution. Lucy

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 10:13am

    Hey Rafal! Super interesting comment. Thanks so much for digging deeper. This conversation has so many layers and I've just barely scratched the surface. Shining a light on societal norms is one great way to encourage a more profound perspective. Thanks for taking the time, Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 7:08am

I loved this article, I saw myself in every word.

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 10:06am

    Hi Erica! So, so lovely to hear. I wrote this from a personal perspective with the hunch that it might resonate with a few people. Thanks so much for a taking a minute to share that you saw yourself in my words. I'm really grateful to have had that connection. 🙂 In gratitude, Lucy

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 6:21am

This article made me very sad. You’re completely overlooking the fact that miscommunication and lack of communication between the partners is the underlying root of all these problems. You’re not telling each other anything, you have to be vocal about your wants and needs. You even say at the end that men are not mind readers but women aren’t either. You can’t be afraid to tell your partner what you want him or her to do in bed and you should be able to ask them what they want YOU to do. That would solve each and every “problem” here. That whole thing about social inhibitions of men not being vocal during sex? That’s just silly. If he is your partner and you are getting down, you should be able to tell what he is responding to and what he isn’t just from his body. If not, he should tell you. Communicate. That’s the most important part of a relationship. This article is troubling.

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 9:59am

    Hey B, Thanks for the comment. I agree communication is of utmost importance! And though I mentioned it in my final point, there can never be enough emphasis on this facet of a relationship. Though some people may find it easy to read body language (like you) many others do not, even when they know their partner very intimately. I wrote this from personal experience and though you may find it troubling, it doesn't make it any less true for me. I will also say that the relationships I have been in have been full of love and sincere care with constant effort extended towards more open communication and even then navigating intimacy can sometimes be a challenge. Thanks again for sharing, Lucy

    anonymous Nov 27, 2014 10:49am

    I dont' see why the article is troubling. She is just sharing her experiences. Also the reason we never see men calling out women's names is not because we teach men not to be explicit about what they want! Its quite the opposite: its because sex is seen as an act done FOR the pleasure of men. When women call out their names it's an affirmation that he is the star of the show, and always an affirmation of his skill. Anyways, to say "you can't be afraid to tell your partner…" easier said than done. LIke with all human interactions, it's so much more complicated than that. even if you know, consciously, that it SHOULD be easy to express your sexual desires, it's often far harder to do so in real life. women are taught to be sexY but not sexuAL, so it's a mind-eff from the beginning. Its very very confusing for a woman to develop a healhty sense of sexuality, esp since we have almost NO idea what that looks like, the sexual industry was built for men's pleasure, not ours.

anonymous Nov 17, 2014 2:22am

That's nonsense. If you want to have sex, just let him know. What's the big deal about it? Kiss him tease him, tell him, bite him….whatever. The fact that you are too insecure to ask for it should not force him to be more tender or understanding. It's your problem and you should better write an articel about how to overcome those issues.

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 9:50am

    Interesting perspective Cassy. Thanks for sharing what works for you. Lucy

    anonymous Dec 10, 2014 8:23am

    Cassy, I think in some cases it's not about getting over an issue it's about wanting to be pursued and not having to ask for it. Sometimes I like to take charge, but sometimes I like to be seduced. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem telling my husband when I want sex, but there are times in which I want him to seduce me.
    Yes, there are many girls out there that are too insecure to ask, but the overassertive way you addressed the author makes me think that this is a tender subject for YOU. Just my opinion though. <3

      anonymous Mar 3, 2016 12:12pm

      Cassy has the right idea! See how Amy & Lucy both dismiss her right off. Lucy is talking about NEVER initiating, NOT SOMETIMES. Lucy, how would you feel if your lover never initiated sex toward you after the first month? I am guessing you would be looking for your next boyfriend. "Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why". The author does not even want to take the time to talk to her boyfriend about why she is so selfish that she never initiates – 7 times in your life is just as bad as never. Oh No! He asked you that question – time for your next boyfriend. Lucy thinks too highly of her self or not enough. No wonder why she was told her she is bad at sucking dick. She must have been doing it really bad on purpose. It is not that difficult. Own the problem. That is the first step.

    anonymous Dec 11, 2014 8:37am

    Cassy sounds HOT….just say'n

anonymous Nov 16, 2014 10:47pm

This article really bothers me. This woman is affraid to ask for what she wants and needs, and yet is displeased when the man doesn't give her what she wants, and thus, needs. She makes another very telling comment, "I've had an unfortunate sex life." Hmmm, I wonder why that is? If something is not working, then you have to usually try something different to fix it. I'm not saying it is all so simple that if she starts initiating sex, all her sexual hangups will be gone, I'm saying that in an open and loving relationship, bott parties better be interested in getting it on, and not afraid to say, "hey baby, I'm Horney!" this article is written by someone who admits she has had a bad sex life, yet is giving advice that you should just sit back, and hope the man senses that your interested for the Dick? Are you serious?? That is classic codependency. Yes, as a man, there ARE certain roles and functions I have to fulfill here in a relationship, and I don't mind initiating sex most of the time. I'm also very aggressive in the bedroom. But I crave a partner that is equally aggressive, and that grabs my dick every now and that and says, "I want you to fuck me right Fucking now! " try it, see how it goes. Change happens only through action, you can't become something different, or fearless, by thinking about it. You have to do it, and become the change you want to embody.

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 9:49am

    Hi Jeffy! Thanks for the comment. And even though you put in in quotations, I actually never said that I've had an unfortunate sex life. What I said was, "I’m not even sure how to say this next one without sounding like a bitch or like someone who’s had a very unfortunate sex life." This line was specifically inserted for people like you who may wrongly assume that I've had a terrible sex life. Hence, my hesitancy to relay that specific point. Oh well! We've cleared things up now. I've actually had a very fulfilling sex life in a multitude of ways. It's just that I've had difficulties initiating sex, and since I'm not the only one struggling with this, I thought I'd share my unique, personal perspective. Never once did I say to hope he "senses" anything. On the contrary, I said, "Get courageous and practice verbalizing what you’d like. If you let it, the mere act of speaking up can be hugely arousing." Additionally, this is not an article teaching women how to initiate sex. This is an article exploring reasons why I wasn't. I really enjoy feedback, but it also helps to read the entire article. Peace, Lucy

      anonymous Jun 25, 2015 1:37am

      It says '6 Reasons She's Not Initiating Sex {Adult}'
      Should say '6 Reasons Lucy Animus Is Not Initiating Sex {Adult}'

      Also you're giving advice to men in general.

anonymous Nov 16, 2014 7:50pm

I found myself shaking my head with this article. I think the author is taking her own feelings and opinions (and perhaps those of some people she knows) and turning them into generalisations. Sometimes gross generalisations. And even when there is acknowledgement of alternative opinions or the man's side of things, it is claimed that women (she) get it and it's understood, but then that view is cast aside and invalidated to make room for the generalisation that overrides it. If someone wants to write an article about their own experiences and opinions, then that is great. People can learn and be helped by that if they recognise they share similar thoughts and feelings. But to extrapolate those opinions and claim them to be how all (or even most) women think, is not a good thing in my opinion.

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 6:30am

    Hey Jason! I really appreciate the time you took in commenting on this piece. Sex, as you said is something that is divinely personal to each man and woman and I would never claim to be the mouthpiece for an entire gender (or species). I was hoping that this line in the article would clear the air on that, "This is why I wasn’t initiating sex (and could be why she hasn’t been either)." I was merely writing about personal experience in the hopes that it might shine a bit of light on some foggy places for a few people. That's also why I never used the word "most" or "all". I certainly wasn't aiming to define sexual relations for all (or anyone but me, really). And though some of the points seem to be in opposition to each other, for me, this mirrors the complexity of an intimate relationship and the dynamics of gender roles. Thank you for bringing up how incredibly important it is to recognize each experience as unique. Sex cannot be boxed. Thankfully! If it resonates, take a moment to contemplate it, if it sounds ridiculous, chock it up as irrelevant to your own experiences (and quite possibly irrelevant to many others). In appreciation, Lucy

      anonymous Nov 17, 2014 4:52pm

      Thanks for you response Lucy. And, as I read down a bit, I see you are handling other folks' reaction to your article really well. May I suggest that, if you article is one about personal experience, you make that more clear by avoiding definitive statements. One example is the heading "It’s common knowledge; the female body needs a bit of tender loving care to fully unfurl". You may not have specifically used the words "most" and "all", but they are implied in a statement like this. There are women out there who are nothing like that at all. There are a few other examples like this in your piece. Beyond that, well done to you for putting yourself out there and sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences on an interesting topic. That takes courage. I imagine there are men who have difficulty initiating sex who would get something good out of this too.

        anonymous Nov 18, 2014 11:28am

        Hey Jason, I really appreciate the thought you've put into this topic. I'll admit, it took a few deep breaths and a big dollop of courage to submit this piece for publication, and I'm touched that you recognized this even though you may not necessarily agree with what I shared. Thank you. I'll keep your suggestions in mind. All the best, Lucy

      anonymous Jul 9, 2015 3:39am

      In case she hit the nail on the head, so I guess it depends on each persons story!!! I love coming across these articles that put words to my feelings better than I could!!! Thank you so much for writing this and helping me understand my own feelings. I´ve also never had to initiate sex, been spoilt and now I´m with someone who doesn´t do it and I´m trying to learn to not take it personally and take what I want 🙂

anonymous Nov 16, 2014 3:18pm

Thanks for getting real.

I do initiate … but it's often in the form of seduction … which can be as subtle as a glance, or putting out the energy of wanting to be taken … or unzipping the pants and worshipping on my knees.

Perhaps it's good to realize the uniquenesses of masculine and feminine energies (& we all have both, but fall somewhere on the spectrum from uber-masculine, to uber-feminine). Masculine energy wants to initiate, to take, to claim, to penetrate and to permeate. Feminine energy wants to respond, to receive, to yield, to be penetrated and filled.

These are not so much hard lines, as they are divinely dichotomous dance-moves …. and they can be as clear or as blurred as we choose.

Just my "too sense" … 😉

anonymous Nov 16, 2014 3:15pm

Thanks for getting real.

I do initiate … but it’s often in the form of seduction … which can be as subtle as a glance, or putting out the energy of wanting to be taken … or unzipping the pants and worshipping on my knees.

Perhaps it’s good to realize the uniquenesses of masculine and feminine energies (& we all have both, but fall somewhere on the spectrum from uber-masculine, to uber-feminine). Masculine energy wants to initiate, to take, to claim, to penetrate and to permeate. Feminine energy wants to respond, to receive, to yield, to be penetrated and filled.

These are not so much hard lines, as they are divinely dichotomous dance-moves …. and they can be as clear or as blurred as we choose.

Just my “too sense” … 😉

    anonymous Nov 17, 2014 6:13am

    Hey Dena! Thanks so much for the interesting and insightful comment. I really love that you bring masculine and feminine energies into the conversation. This is definitely a part of the equation that is often misunderstood, or not contemplated at all. It's cool to see it pop up here. Thanks again for adding your perspective. Warm regards, Lucy

Mar Cos Feb 23, 2017 11:08am

The worst thing ive ever read. Typical stupid white girl shit

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Lucy Animus

Lucy Animus is a curious girl from the Midwest who grew up skipping rocks on the Mississippi and pancaking pennies on the railroad tracks. She’s just trying to figure this being human/human being shit out. Writing and yoga help. Answers may also be found whilst snuggling fur friends. But always, it’s that soft shaky voice of love that really spills the beans on being. To connect with Lucy, check out her site.