6 Reasons She’s Not Initiating Sex. {Adult}

Via Lucy Animus
on Nov 16, 2014
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Warning: Adult content!

I’ll be honest: I’ve probably initiated sex seven times in my entire life, and at least three of those times, it wasn’t really me. It was the tequila.

Maybe I just run with a conservative group of women, but I’m not the only one who finds herself opening a corporeal invite more often than she sends it.

It’s not that I’m never lit head to toe with the kind of carnal desire that demands the demise of buttons and boundaries between bodies. And, I’ve definitely had suitable candidates worthy of receiving such an invite (pretty great boyfriends).

It’s also not a lack of experience; at 27, I’ve spent the last decade wrestling serious relationships and serious sexcapades.

And still. I hardly ever—that’s right, almost never—initiate sex.

Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why.

Unfortunately, asking a chick why she doesn’t initiate sex is like asking her why her breasts never filled out or why she doesn’t suck dick better. The question itself is heavy enough to push even the healthiest of egos right off a four-post bed.

Why? Because she’s already asked herself it a million times. She’s pressured herself to make the first move. She’s told herself she will. She definitely will.

Next time.

Until then, she’s hoping you don’t notice.

So men, I’m all for communication. Really, truly I am. Especially if the conversation can happen over a warm dinner between limber minds. That’s better than when heads are on pillows, and hearts are soft and open, unprepared for a question that carries the weight of insecurities not yet understood.

That being said, I totally understand why you might ask such a question in bed; maybe she’s turned you down two nights in a row, and as you’re gathering the courage to initiate again, it suddenly pisses you off a little that this whole thing is seemingly all up to you.

I get it, I really do.

But before you go there, it might help if you read this.

This is why I wasn’t initiating sex (and could be why she hasn’t been either).

1) It’s common knowledge; the female body needs a bit of tender loving care to fully unfurl.

And tender loving care often also translates to tiiiime. That’s right. It often takes an investment of time (i.e. more than 42 seconds) before she’s even ready for the whole body to body thing. Sigh.

When I did attempt to initiate sex, my partner (in shock and excitement, probably), often became so enthusiastic, it’s like his attention became completely transfixed on sex organs, bypassing any subtle, slow intimacy I was attempting. Within seconds he was in the driver’s seat again and driving way too fast.

Men often wrongly assume that if a woman initiates sex, she is somehow ready for the actual act of sex. Wrong. She’s ready for whatever she’s currently doing.

Meet her where she is, not where you desperately hope she’s going.

2) I assumed that if he hadn’t already made a move, he wasn’t in the mood.

And, as normal (and even expected) as it seems for a guy to gingerly rest hands and lips on tender places, it’s actually a very, very courageous act, one that comes with the risk of being rejected at your most vulnerable. And though women are often credited with being the gender more willing to embrace vulnerability, there are certain instances where this just isn’t true.

If she thinks you’re not in the mood, rather than risk rejection, she might opt out altogether.

Here’s where I use the F-word. Feminism. There’s one reason it exists: Globally, women aren’t allowed the same freedoms as men. Women are heard less, paid less and victimized more. As a result, females second-guess themselves more often than men, and generally feel less confident in their own decisions and opinions. This is also true in bed. If she wants it but she’s not sure you do she’s less likely to make a move.

So, hold off on the snoring, make eye contact and give her a tiny reason to believe you’re up for it (without actually making the move yourself).

3) Sometimes, frankly the relief of not being pursued overshadows potential sexual desires.

I’m not sure if I’m an outlier, or if all of my previous partners have just been extremely persistent, but unless my man was sick, there’s hardly been a time that I’ve shared a bed with a boyfriend without being pursued sexually. Sometimes, it all just gets to be too much. We can’t turn around without finding a woman (on an ad, or real life) in the midst of overt sexualization. When this feeling extends to your own bedroom, you’ve got trouble.

This is why routine touching without the expectation of sex is so huge. If she feels a strong physical connection with you that has nothing to do with sex, she’ll feel more freedom daily, not only with you, but in the world. Where there’s freedom, relief is a constant, so there’s no need to choose relief over sex.

So, sex it is!

4) I’m not even sure how to say this next one without sounding like a bitch or like someone who’s had a very unfortunate sex life.

Not only have I had too much “fast” sex, void of foreplay, but I’ve had too much one-sided sex.

Sex should be like a wonderfully engaging conversation between bodies. There should never be a time when one is talking the whole time, and the other is listening, and listening, aaannd listening. I’ve experienced this more times than I can count; it’s almost like the dude goes into auto-pilot. The “conversation” becomes very unbalanced (the guy making decisions about position, speed and depth) and communication cues that are not loud or dramatic, go completely unnoticed.

It seems obvious, but no woman (or man) I know wants to begin a conversation with someone who doesn’t really listen, and never asks her questions in return. Don’t be that dude (or chick).

5) When’s the last time you saw a sex scene where the lead male role is moaning/groaning/yelling “Yes, Karen!”?

Hmm. This hardly ever happens. It’s completely socially acceptable for a woman to be loud about what feels good, but it’s often hard to tell if a man really appreciates your moves, unless he makes a point of saying later, “Wow when you did ___, that was awesome!” You may only have a vague idea of what was working and what wasn’t.

This lack of clarity about what gets him going is enough to throw a woman off who might otherwise have initiated sex. Anxiety about what really satisfies him inspires some women to simply leave the whole thing up to the man. Let her know when she does something that feels really good.

It’s a simple addition, but one that could make the difference between sending the invite, and merely patiently awaiting an invite herself.

6) Men aren’t mind readers!

Yep. We women get that. We’re trying to communicate our needs, and blah blah yadda yah. But seriously. Men can’t read minds. If, after you’ve made your move, your man seems completely uninterested, there’s a chance that he didn’t recognize your come hither eyes, or the special way you twirled your tongue as an actual invitation to sex.

Don’t let this bum you out. Get courageous and practice verbalizing what you’d like. If you let it, the mere act of speaking up can be hugely arousing. And, if it turns out that he’s actually just not in the mood, let it float on by like a balloon. Taking it personally is the only mistake you could make. There are millions of reasons why you’ve said no in the past (several that have nothing to do with him) and he’s just as human as you are.

Have courage. Stay curious. And keep your heart open.

 

 

Relephant Reads:

Most Women Fake Orgasms because Most Men Fake Foreplay. 

Growing Up Sexually.

Bonus! Waylon talks with Lodro Rinzler about sex, relationships & how to be happy and genuine:

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Author: Lucy Animus

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Flickr

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About Lucy Animus

Lucy Animus is a curious girl from the Midwest who grew up skipping rocks on the Mississippi and pancaking pennies on the railroad tracks. She’s just trying to figure this being human/human being shit out. Writing and yoga help. Answers may also be found whilst snuggling fur friends. But always, it’s that soft shaky voice of love that really spills the beans on being. To connect with Lucy, check out her site.

Comments

86 Responses to “6 Reasons She’s Not Initiating Sex. {Adult}”

  1. Jeff says:

    Too many excuses. Life is meant to be enjoyed not over contemplated to the point of mental paralysis. Women need to understand that when they refuse to initiate sex they come off as manipulative and controlling. If that is what you want to convey then great. However, if you want to be seen as a partner in the relationship and a caring, loving, and emotionally mature adult, then you need to hurdle your hang ups and get over it.

    In 32 years I have never seen a women initiating sex as anything but the action of a confident, mature, woman. Get over your hang ups and insecurities.

  2. ohcomeon says:

    There is a special level of condescension in a perspective that says "I have problems and weaknesses, and it is not only your fault, but your job to solve them".

    It is this perspective that is why men have historically ruled the world and women merely live in it. I'm sorry it's this way. I wish it WASN'T this way today and historically. I also refuse to sit back and watch something that self-defeating drag women down back into what they've fought so hard in recent years to climb out of. Consider rewriting this article with less passive-aggressive condescension.

  3. Alan says:

    "Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why."

    I cannot understand your reasoning here. Why is this a mistake? The fact that you were not initiating sex made these men insecure about your feelings towards them, but they probably wanted to continue the relationship. They may have considered other reasons, such as the ones you have given, but they had no way of knowing. When you did not communicate the reasons why you weren't initiating sex, they did the only thing they could do. They asked you, offering you a chance at communicating, and it seems that you probably decided against it.

    I understand that you're under pressure, and that is hurtful, but it doesn't change the fact that your partner needs to be told how you're feeling. Nobody wants to feel like they are pestering their partner for sex. You also need to make sure he's telling you how he's feeling. If asking him is a difficulty, then your relationship is going to be troublesome.

    Even with my own knowledge of this subject, my last relationship ended partially because my ex girlfriend didn't communicate enough. I believe she felt the same as you in many ways. She very rarely initiated sex, and I could only make assumptions about the reasons why. This could only go on for a certain period of time though. Eventually I felt that she didn't want to have sex with me anymore, and that I had been pressuring her. So when I stopped initiating, and she didn't explain what she was thinking, our sex life went into decline. By the time I discovered that she really didn't want it to end, it was too late, and I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. I'm not saying it was all about sex, but the truth is that she did want to have more sex and did want the relationship to continue, but I couldn't keep trying to convince myself of these things without her telling me.

  4. Uldis says:

    This girl may be telling the truth from most women's perspective.
    She does sound like she's found mainly "Mr average" in bed. See point #4.
    One sided? Yeah, I find that too.
    Made my GF come to about 60 orgasms last time, legs shaking, baely able to breathe.
    Oh, she never says no, but her thing is mainly to receive, not so much to actively pursue giving me pleasure.
    Yeah, a bit one-sided I think…

  5. gjn says:

    This sounds like a very selfish person. Is it all about her? A man should always want to please his woman, and a woman should always want to please her man. It takes the effort from both sides to have a successful relationship. If that takes talking to learn what you do and don't like then talk, unless as I said you only care about yourself.

  6. Dawn says:

    I was sexually abused as a child. So, at a very young age, I learned that in order to be in control of this part of my life, I had to be the seducer. However, the only way I had the guts to do this, and to get past my inhibitions, I was always intoxicated. Now, I have trouble initiating when I’m sober. I’m finally with the love of my life. But, I realized early on that he is not in the mood as much as I am. When I initiate, I usually get rejected. I keep thinking, what man doesn’t want his woman to initiate? So, I always find myself saying, next time I’ll initiate. We have a great relationship. I just wish I didn’t have such inhibitions. So many times, I just want to grab him and take him! Maybe next time! Lol

  7. bc1 says:

    Thank you so much for this article! I am all over in here – mostly, #s 1, 3 and 4. Really helpful for me, who has suffered a lot in the process of trying to figure myself out.

  8. Courtney says:

    This is strange… I am usually the one to initiate sex because my boyfriend is usually always accepting of a nice time together. I never knew so many women were too insecure to do so or that it's "unladylike". Makes me feel like the black sheep..

  9. ADoug says:

    I can't believe how negative some of your male readers have been in response to this article. I just want to say thank you because reading your article was like listening to someone finally put the struggles I have had most of my sex life into clear, concise words. I have never had fear of initiating (your tips #2 and #5) but have tried many times to articulate to myself and others the things you said in the rest of your piece. And to the men who have scolded you for your vulnerability, well guys, you're the ones we're talking about and your lack of consideration for this point of view is exactly why it exists. Thank you, Lucy. You have a new avid reader on your hands. Keep at it.

  10. Matt says:

    I have no problem with this article written from a personal level but being a man 20 years older than the writers age I’m going to have to disagree with much of it. Values towards Sex have changed greatly in many directions as much as they have in regards to the stereotypes of male and female roles that were from the 40s and 50s.

    Let me say this, if as a woman you leave the start of foreplay to your men you will end up with a man who feels unloved and unwanted sexually, I think most women here know exactly how to make the first move some of the time and how important that is to their other half.

    Welcome to 2015,things have changed.

  11. Lady says:

    I'm 24. I used to have hang-ups about sex and rarely initiated. I also find that I've had your experience with most men in my life. They rush into things, skip the foreplay, and are utterly selfish and focused on what they are gaining from the experience. They would act as if sex is about them without taking me into consideration. When I tried vocalizing what was wrong with the relationship, the men in my life would take it as a personal attack so I would just leave it be. This would often lead to bad sex. It left me wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't enjoy sex. I figured that I was just broken and didn't like it.

    Now I'm in an amazing relationship with a generous lover who is 10 years my senior. I don't even find myself needing lots of foreplay to get things started and I'm always receptive to sex. I know that when we do have sex, it is more about the journey than the destination and we both leave feeling satisfied. This has also made me much more confident, comfortable, and active in bed. We entered this relationship with open communication already set up between us. I feel free and uninhibited and I don't mind vocalizing exactly what I want. However, for the past several months I've found myself doing almost all of the initiating. While I didn't mind initially, and I was able to brush off rejection easily, I'm starting to find it disheartening. I used to enjoy the power and control I felt by being the initiator. But now It leaves me wondering if I still do it for them.

  12. Améypasia says:

    It says '6 Reasons She's Not Initiating Sex {Adult}'
    Should say '6 Reasons Lucy Animus Is Not Initiating Sex {Adult}'

    Also you're giving advice to men in general.

  13. Guest says:

    I think it's ok to be someone who doesn't initiate sex. People torment themselves with so much unnecessary stuff. If two people are happy together, what does it matter?

  14. Saviour henshaw says:

    I love these.

  15. Guest says:

    Lucy, I love your article and commend you for sharing. I find it disheartening that so many people are closed -minded or at best not honest enough to admit they too have encountered these very issues or feelings. I have had a wonderful sex life and yet I still find myself a bit reluctant to initiate sex. What I have learned (why your article speaks to me) is that my reluctance has been based on the partner that I'm with. The love of my life used to be a critical lover, he wanted a porn star or specific acts that I was not versed enough in and that caused some hesitation on my end to even open up to sex. I met Kevin during our breakup and sex with him was easy. The experience with him was so spiritual, free, caring, giving, gentle, and well…I'm not sure who initiated, we were in constant seduction. There was also Herman at some point in my sex life who could not grasp the concept of intimacy. He wanted me to be on at all times, desire him at all times, and take him whenever I felt it. He was a very very very sexy man but a fast fast fast and abrasive partner. No matter how much I communicated "slow down, be gentle" he moved so fast that I felt nothing but groping. Ha…I even went to the doctors because I thought my VJJ had gone numb. He self diagnosed me as Non-Sexual. It was awful and the more I communicated, the worst the relationship became overall. I had no desire to experience the Jack Hammer. It was a one man show and ended it. So as "definitive" as people have claimed your language to be and as much as folks have blamed your experiences on the lack of communication… I understand and didn't at all take you for a victim. Some things just are what they are… i.e. Some men are POOR lovers, and some women don't initiate because they simply FEAR rejection. Kudos…

  16. Jess says:

    Just read this article and believe this opens a very necessary conversation but gives very dangerous advice. I am married, but I have been divorced once. One of the largest driving factors was that I always had to initiate sex. We had an active sexlife but it always depended on me making the move, doing the right actions (making dinner, putting the kids to bed, getting the house in order, and then, maybe if she was in the mood, we would go at it. That gets old very quickly. I understand that men and women are wired differently, but to some extent I need a wife/ partner who (excuse my expression) wants to fuck me, like this very second. At the end of our marriage I just stopped trying to see if she would initiate it. She never did for 6 months. End result is I cheated on her. I very regret much regret doing that. I should have divorced her first but I took the easy way out and cheated. When she found out she still wanted me back, but that’s when I realized I knew her, and she wasn’t going to enjoy giving me what I needed and initiated the divorce. Long story short. I am now happily remarried to a non sexually repressed woman, after 5 years it seems like we are intimacy is growing. Not that we haven’t experiencd droughts, but when we have, via our work schedules, activities, kids, etc, we prioritize each other’s needs and don’t make excuses for ourselves like “it makes me uncomfortable” or “what’s in it for me”. It’s about making this thing work.

  17. QueenSian says:

    In case she hit the nail on the head, so I guess it depends on each persons story!!! I love coming across these articles that put words to my feelings better than I could!!! Thank you so much for writing this and helping me understand my own feelings. I´ve also never had to initiate sex, been spoilt and now I´m with someone who doesn´t do it and I´m trying to learn to not take it personally and take what I want 🙂

  18. Colin says:

    It's hard to see yourself as desirable when you're always the one doing 100% of the initiating. And I know women are more passive and all that. But women, it doesn't kill you if you initiate once in a freakin' time. Guess what, men also want to know that you want him. If you like it so much to be pursued to feel desired, why is it so hard for you women to understand that men also want to feel wanted. Woman up instead of the tiresome convention that men are resposible for every g*ddamn thing.

  19. Melina says:

    I relate to your words too Lucy; I have also rarely initiated sex. Thanks for an interesting read. I have also never chased, seduced or pursued a guy. They have always pursued me instead.

  20. Frank_is_frank says:

    Much like my never initiating wife, this article breaks my heart, makes me angry, then breaks my heart again.

    To be physically ignored by the woman I've pledged my life to leaves me feeling invisible and repulsive.

    I've made the now apparent mistake of asking her why, listening, and trying to "be better" i.e. helping more at home, making more money, engaging in more conversation etc.
    However, this article has effectively killed any hope of my marriage improving. At this point I'm more interested in learning how to navigate a divorce without becoming a misogynist. But to that point I have to say that women who don't show physical affection to their husbands (both non sexual and sexual) are just assholes.

    Expecting life long fidelity from a man you deem good enough to marry yet refuse to touch is just a shitty, awful thing to do to a person. Despite the verbosity, eloquence, and wonderfully humorous lilt of the reasons why a woman choses not to touch her husband, the essence of the argument is: "I don't feel like it and I'm not going to tell you why."

    And that, people, is exactly the kind of shitty, awful thing an asshole would do to someone they say they love. 

    Despite that though I remain an optimist. I know for a fact that all women are indeed not assholes. And after my inevitable divorce and a bit of time alone to process my feelings, I look forward to meeting, talking to, and having relationships with some of those great women. All while deftly navigating around the other kind of women out there. You know, those previously mentioned assholes. 

  21. Marc says:

    All about the woman…once again

  22. Ed Hare says:

    I am a wise old man of the world, and in my years of experience I have learned something important about the fairer sex: If you have to ask, the answer is going to be no.   Every sweet kiss I have ever enjoyed has just happened, as a natural outflow of circumstance and a growing sense of closeness. Don’t worry about the end goal, gentlemen; that will take care of itself. Just focus on the present moment, and enjoy the closeness that is. That will be so appreciated that the next moment will come along soon enough.

  23. Frank says:

    After struggling for about 40 years on this issue I am seeking out libido killing drugs. Just tired of trying and I want to focus my efforts on something that I have a chance of any kind of emotional / intellectual return. It doesnt look like dating can be one of them.

  24. Alba says:

    I am a woman who initiated sex, who initiated flirting and fun and suggestiveness and naughtiness and surprise dates and romance. It came naturally to me when I entered what was to become my first serious and sexual relationship at age 19. I didn’t initiate at the beginning of our relationship, but after we got to know each other, fell in love and I came to trust him and he taught me sex. That caused me to discover a new side of myself, – I discovered my sexual self and I un-selfconsciously and freely expressed myself sexually with him. He was luke warm in his responses and over time became cold, although that didn’t completely deter me. During our relationship he told me that he was attracted to a male friend of his, he was clearly distressed and confused about his own sexuality but I was young and ignored what he said. Our relationship eventually came to an end after 2 1/2 years when I worried that I might be pregnant (he drifted away very quickly, found another woman, didn’t tell me). I was in fact pregnant and later miscarried without support. I shut down for a long time after that. I internalised all the hurt and blamed myself and somehow attached it to my sexual expression. I no longer initiated. I held back, thinking that was wiser and safer and that it was what smart women do. (I also didn’t enjoy sex anywhere near as much as I had – I was holding back emotionally). Last year I contacted an old friend who kept coming into my thoughts in a sexual way – we met up, I initiated and we had wonderful, glorious, uninhibited sex that was fun and intense at the same time. I found myself again.

  25. Vincent Cubitt says:

    Reading the article and comments it is obvious that many people view their sexual interaction from within traditional roles. To move beyond the discomfort and pain that so often destroy our relationships we need to shift our perspective.

    For those of us conscious of the process, balancing the flow of energy between male and female is a priority at all levels, within ourselves, our relationships and the collective state of consciousness.

    This process really comes into focus when it comes to sex. This essential but misunderstood part of the human experience holds the potential of being an incredible vehicle for transformation and growth. This is especially true in a relationships where being authentic is a prerequisite for real happiness.

    No matter what we call it or the experiences we blame for it, our discomfort in connecting with one another should draw our attention to an inherent fear or insecurity (energy blockage in our personal field) and offers us the opportunity to reprogram our way of being once we become aware of it.

    The key to a truly fulfilling and satisfying relationship is our ability to step out of our role play as dominant or submissive, the courage to let go of the intricate self defense mechanisms we have put in place and the authentic expression of our needs and fears with those we love.

    While we remain stuck in roleplays needing external sources of love, acceptance and validation, fear and pain are a natural part of the process.

    In your relationships, be authentic, be vulnerable and when you feel pain or discomfort, look inside yourself at which part of you is reacting and know that this is the true purpose of your connection with others. Be inquisitive and follow that lead inside yourself until you become aware how that same fear affects all aspects of your life. It is this awareness that will give you the strength and courage to face that aspect of your being and allow you to make choices. There choices reprogram your being and dissolve the blockage in your field. This will allow energy to flow more freely in your life empowering you to create more effectively.

  26. Jw says:

    As a man, what drives me crazy is never ever having her initiate. Not even seduction, not even touching, not even a glimpse of flesh and sure as hell not walking around naked. Is this so difficult for women? Is it so hard just to simply walk around naked, or touch your dude? I just don’t get it. It just seems like we have to touch and touch and touch and stroke and caress and then never be on the receiving end of her much desired but never occurring initiation.

  27. Ben says:

    That is the number 1 reason why men cheat. Act like you are where you wanna be. If not… he's going to question your level of commitment to him. Which in turn makes his commitment to you. If you aren't passionate about your relationship you definitely taking it for granted. If you don't see a future don't play games. He has invested his time in you. If you aren't going to invest your time and trust then you're playing games. Don't be in a relationship with a man you aren't attracted to and willing to take the chance of trusting him without reservation. She's treating relationships like dating, and if that's a common occurrence with women, there you go.

  28. "arry" says:

    Very interesting article I must say. I am a married Man of 13 years to the most loving and caring person that I have ever know. The thought of her makes me weak in my lower back and knees. She has been my everything. We have two young children at home and she does most of the housework and she also works outside the home with a very flexible schedule. I chip in with chores and assist with the kids as much as possible. Our sex life is fair to sometimes good despite her hysterectomy one year ago. I often tell her how much I love her, I send random messages, and even surprise gifts without expecting anything at all. However, I do feel taken advantage of and sometimes under appreciated because she accepts my kind gestures and gifts but rarely does the reciprocal. In bed I am almost the only one that initiates sex. We have had these discussions for years about why she rarely makes sure that I feel as good as I make her feel inside and outside our bedroom. Most of the time it really sounds like a government teleprompter that doesn’t have a soul or love for me. She plainly cannot tell me why. When we have sex she enjoys it and I know that she loves me. Ladies, we are tired of asking you questions. You never hesitate in giving us your full demands on a grocery list, or telling us that our tie doesn’t match today. You are also vocal about cheating men and about the women who flirt with your man. Why would you get upset about something that another woman does that you do not do. We have all been at a store or mall with our significant other when she notices the cute girl who looks hot and is staring at her man. She hates it! But why wouldn’t she be willing to learn from that woman? A woman should know what her man likes in his tastes. Why don’t you dress like that woman and Flirt like her? Instead you bash him for looking, but when the photo shoot from the next Magic mike I released that’s all of a sudden fair game for you and your girls to admire. Women, sex and sexy are both your responsibility too. I mean, even God gave the man the sperm and you have the egg because it takes two. If you aren’t for what’s ever reason initiating sex you better be prepared for what’s next. He will feel that you do not love him or desire him. Let’s turn the tables. Your man never initiates a kiss, phone call, hug, a simple I love u, or date. How would that make you feel. You would feel unloved. This is what you are doing to him. Plan a date nite and strawberries and see where it goes. Bathe him, go to his job in a sexy dress and ask him to meet you at home tonight when the kids are asleep. Bottom line is: we live in an ecosystem where the strong survive. Weak women get their men stolen by strong women who realize that he is human and has feelings as well. Quit griping about the women stealing men, and the cheating men and play your part. I’m not starved for sex but I am for attention. Just because you are happy doesn’t mean the movie is over. The movie is complete once the Credits are given to the ones who made it all possible. If he is making you happy, you look like a thief by not giving credit and showing your appreciation to whom it is due

  29. Anna says:

    Thank you for writing this!!!! All the things I’ve thought of and needed to hear again!!!!!
    I totally feel ya on all those things!
    Very well said!!! More people need to know/hear from our/this side!!!

  30. Christine Leigh says:

    Beautiful and poignant. As a woman who only began to learn to initiate sex in my late twenties, I can say that it feels AMAZING and truly LIBERATING to be able to now help my love partner in this aspect of our relationship. That the author has become so self-aware and is sharing her insights with other women and men so that they too may benefit- and at only twenty-seven years- is inspiring. I've been practicing initiating now for ten years, and I can tell you, it's a gradual process, but it just gets better and better. I wish you many years of great love and passion <3 <3 <3

  31. Joanna Kerr says:

    He’s clearly not the right guy

  32. Yo says:

    I’m constantly thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because of this matter. I know we’re supposed to get married and live a wonderful life but the mere fact she sent me this link is pathetic. Also pretty pathetic from the author too. Some men are gifted at sex, and throwing out a bunch of reasons to pretend there is no deep physcological disorder is pretty off putting. Sex should flow naturally, whether it’s a quicky in passion or long slow passionate burn. If you’re a man or woman (a human) and you have this problem you better sort your shit out because you’re about to loose / hurt or be cheated on by someone who could make you sincerely happy forever. I’m going to give my lady a chance but if there’s no improvement then we’re simply not meant to be. I love to love and so should you, love is unconditional and should conquer every point made by this author. ♡

  33. Chica says:

    Right. Lack of initiation on the woman's part is why men cheat. What a typical response from a male who refuses to own responsibility for his actions. Blame someone else. Always easier to do that than own betrayal (eye roll).

    When infidelity occurs, the cheating partner bears the brunt of owning most, if not all, of the blame. Not only did the cheating partner choose to ignore or downplay the pre-existing problems, behaviours and conditions that made the relationship vulnerable to cheating, but they actively made the decision to betray their partner instead of facing up to those problems and working through them.

  34. Jane says:

    Cassy has the right idea! See how Amy & Lucy both dismiss her right off. Lucy is talking about NEVER initiating, NOT SOMETIMES. Lucy, how would you feel if your lover never initiated sex toward you after the first month? I am guessing you would be looking for your next boyfriend. "Desperate boyfriends have made the mistake of asking why". The author does not even want to take the time to talk to her boyfriend about why she is so selfish that she never initiates – 7 times in your life is just as bad as never. Oh No! He asked you that question – time for your next boyfriend. Lucy thinks too highly of her self or not enough. No wonder why she was told her she is bad at sucking dick. She must have been doing it really bad on purpose. It is not that difficult. Own the problem. That is the first step.

  35. Nick says:

    At least you can articulate your reasons. Thanks for writing them down and offering better insight.

  36. Marc says:

    Ladies, ladies, ladies….listen to the men here.

    Yes some of us will use this as an excuse to cheat. Some will take this as a sign of disinterest, and end up becoming suspicious, confused, and yes even become insecure in the relationship. Men need to feel desired too.

    If you let your man feel like you aren’t interested in him….then yes, it can quite possibly lead to infidelity. Because he would much rather cheat than leave….he doesn’t want to leave you…you just bore him.

    Whether or not you women want to accept that…thats on you. But men don’t like the bullsh*t headgames.