November 10, 2014

Maybe the Friend-Zone is Where We Need to Be.


I think it’s pretty safe to say most of us in this generation have been “friend zoned,” and we’ve also probably friend zoned someone else too. I know both have been true for me.

The friend zone is the much maligned relationship purgatory that we’re sent to when our crush doesn’t return our feelings.

A lot of the discussion around this phenomenon centers around how to escape the friend zone, how to make your crush like you, or at least how to try to make them like you.

But something about that bothers me. First off, no one can make another person like them. Love or like, doesn’t work like that. Moreover, the affection we think we feel for the other person when we’ve been friend zoned is often not real love. It’s hard to hear that sometimes, because it usually feels like love to us when we’re in it.

It’s also often said that we get friend zoned because we’re too nice, or too available. This is always frustrating, and it also seems so counter-intuitive. What we usually want in a partner is exactly those things, kindness and availability. Right? So, why do we fall for jerks and emotionally unavailable people when there’s been a nice person there for us all along?

Michael Stevens from Vsauce, an educational YouTube channel explains the science of the friend-zone in one of his videos:


I think his insights are very helpful to understanding why this seems so common in our generation. Particularly what he says at the end about friendship itself. Our generation is famous for its hook-up culture, but we also spend less time with friends than any generation before.

So, maybe the friend zone isn’t there because “nice guys always finish last,” maybe it’s not even about incompatibility with or idealization of another person. Maybe it’s just a way that we’re all expressing our unconscious need for more friends. Romance is great, but we all know much of the time relationships don’t last. And maybe what we need is some nice, lasting friendships.

In the end, why should that be a bad thing? Why is being “only” a friend considered such a bad place to be? After all, it’s what many of us need the most. So maybe next time we get friend zoned, instead of feeling frustrated, let’s feel honored. Let’s just be the best friends we can be.



How to exit the Friendzone.

My 5 Tricks for Coping With Unrequited Love. ~ Leslie Vos


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Author: Kathryn Muyskens

Editor:  Travis May

Photo: Flickr

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Mr E Feb 8, 2015 7:08pm

friends don’t fuck that’s why. friendship with fuckbuddies is fine.

miles Nov 12, 2014 8:22pm

You're cool- I like your articles- recipes- and I love you….M

miss end Nov 11, 2014 4:24pm

I really like the bit about friendship lasting… when relationships come and go friendship can outlast them, I am in such a fucked up relationship now that breaks my heart from week to week – the thought of friendship… plan just talking and listening and being independent not dependant. well its just all I need right now.

Sia has a song called Breathe me – and as a recovering codependent it speaks to me on all levels, really!!!
"Breathe Me"

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

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K.L. Muyskens

K.L. Muyskens is a student of life. She loves learning about health, history, and even food. She has more than one activist bone in her body. She enjoys traveling the globe, is an incessant reader, and lover of animals, especially dogs.