When one person truly loves another, they’re not interested in possessing the person or keeping him or her in their clutches.
As a physician, I’ve seen many patients who can’t stop obsessing about someone they are dating or are romantically involved with. They can’t stop thinking about the person. They can’t stop checking their phones to see if he/she texted. They stalk them on Instagram or Facebook to see if they are cheating on them. A great part of their consciousness is fixated on what this person is doing or not doing and they are afraid of losing them. These obsessive/possessive relationships can be very painful.
Take the following quiz from my book to help you to determine if you have obsessive patterns.
Quiz: Are You Obsessing About a Love Interest?
How to interpret this quiz: 6-8 yeses indicate that you are obsessing to a great degree. 4-6 yeses indicate that you are moderately obsessing. 1-4 yeses indicate that you have a tendency to obsess. A score of zero indicates that you are not obsessing about a partner.
The solution to not becoming overly attached or possessive is to first take control of your thoughts. Then consciously change your thinking from obsessive thoughts to constructive positive ones. It is very important to consciously shift out of the obsession by using your will to do this. Next, focus on strengthening your self-esteem while addressing and releasing fears, including the fear of abandonment, which can cause the need to cling.
Also make sure you’re not involved with an emotionally unavailable person (EUP) as this will only exacerbate your need to obsess. Read my article on 12 Signs of Unavailable People to learn more.
Wanting to be with someone is natural, but constantly obsessing about someone is disempowering and feels horrible. To heal this painful tendency to obsess, I’ve supported some patients in even closing their Facebook or Instagram accounts so they’re not tempted to check the other person’s photos or posts.
The bottom line is that you have to trust your partner—and trust is earned over time as you get to know someone. Honest, authentic communication is key. See if you can communicate authentically with him or her and that you’re both on the same page about what you want in the relationship. Good relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. Then you really have something special.
This article is based upon The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life Harmony Books, 2014 by Judith Orloff MD
Author: Judith Orloff
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Robyn Gallant at Flickr
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