I woke up at 2 am, worrying.
Worrying about money. Worrying about labor. Worrying about my health.
I was on this worry loop for about an hour.
Being 33 weeks pregnant and awake for an hour in the middle of the night always leads to starvation. So I went downstairs and ate a bowl of Cheerios.
Afterwards, as I digested in bed, I picked up my pen. I know myself well enough to know that writing soothes my mind and eventually my body. I started to sort it out on the page.
I needed a plan. I needed to shift my perspective.
My unpaid maternity leave looms closer and closer and I have almost nothing saved. How will I pay my bills? This feels familiar because I’ve worried about meeting expenses before. Yet, there has always been just enough money. If the past has taught me anything, there will always be just enough money.
I must remember this, keep an open mind and celebrate the cycle of abundance.
I’m going to physically push a baby out of my vagina in some 5-8 weeks—that’s getting really real. I’ve watched all kinds of birth videos, some beautiful, some terrifying. The truth is, animals have been pushing out babies since the dawn of time. I am a strong woman with all of the tools I need to birth my baby courageously, calmly and intuitively. I teach people how to breathe for a living.
That should count for something.
The last few times I’ve been to the doctor, my blood pressure has been leaning toward the high side. Maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise, considering I’m waking up at 2 am worrying. However, I am healthy. I am perhaps the healthiest I’ve ever been in years. Pregnancy has shown me new discipline. My diet is acceptable. I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs and I’m doing physical yoga every day. If I develop any pregnancy related conditions in the next two months, it’s not because I did something wrong. Preeclampsia doesn’t equal failure.
I see that all of this worrying requires the same solution: Trust. I must trust in the Universe that I have everything I need.
Why do I forget this truth? Why has my go-to mantra been “trust” for the past seven months when I truly haven’t learned to trust at all?
It’s one thing to say a word, to repeat it until it soothes my worrying mind, only to worry again the following night, and it’s another thing to really practice it and mean it so it’s a lasting, true comfort. That means I can’t just come back to this intention on my yoga mat or meditation cushion. I’ve got to live with it as part of my being in all moments—when I’m driving, washing a dish, balancing my checkbook and getting my blood pressure taken.
I need to integrate this intention into my life so I’m not just practicing it when it’s convenient, but really living it.
That’s what yoga is all about.
There’s so much in this life that is out of my control. As long as I have a healthy mind, I can direct my thoughts to what serves me best today. I can work hard, do the best that I can and leave the rest to the powers that be.
Intention can be a powerful force if used well.
Author: Megan Ridge Morris
Editor: Renée Picard