You don’t need to say anything because I understand now.
I know that some people have their own questions about monogamy & I might have been one of them, yet I was too arrogant to admit it, even though it sadly became a cultural norm for men to be unfaithful.
Things are not black & white as we’re programmed to believe. There really are shades of grey and they might even be more than fifty. In fact, there are way more colors than those 3.
This world is one of a self-absorbed kind of culture; it’s just how civilizations thrive. I understand that it might be a little bit unfair to hold a generous creature like her in a relationship that mistakes and conditions love with sole-property.
Her choice to be distant from me is not your fault, neither is her decision to communicate with you instead. You’re not an obnoxious man. I am sure you both found something you really longed for in each other, be it affection, passion, acceptance, presence or even desire. I understand how you both felt.
We’re not at war you know. I am not competing with you because there’s no need for a comparison. In certain ways I’ve given her a lot, but as with any human being I have my limitations. I could never give her what you’re giving her and the same applies to you.
I understand how poisonous loneliness could be and I get how she yearned for freedom with you as a break from the constant obligation of me. I might have allowed our relationship to fall into some sort of an OCD; a boring repetitive routine that sucked the life out of both of us.
Love is not static, and we can’t fight our feelings. All we need is to just understand.
I admit that at times I wasn’t available when she needed me the most. I was a self-centered absent prick who thought being goal oriented was what life was all about. And maybe in that way I’ve shut her out, maybe I betrayed her expectations before she betrayed mine.
All I can say is that whatever you’re giving her is something so beautiful that it’s turning her into a more loving and thoughtful person. She’s not mean to me or reckless like many women are when they stay against their will.
She’s been revived. You brought her back to me. You’ve corrected my faults without me doing anything. Maybe this pain I felt when I found out is the tax I should pay for escaping awareness, so let’s just call it even.
I could leave, but I don’t want to. I love her and I love you, because you’re now a part of her that adds more beauty to my life. It’s as if we’re in an emotional threesome.
My existence should never eliminate yours; we can share her. After all, none of us can own the other.
Don’t fall for the culture that finds a sick need to label anything it doesn’t understand the depth of. You’re not an asshole, nor a cheater, nor a stealer, because she was never mine, nor was she ungrateful to my affectionate presence. You’re nothing but a loving soul who made a connection with another one ready for reception.
You’re like the sperm that made it to the ovary creating life when I couldn’t, along with all the men before me. Except that in real life I would like to believe all those other sperms/ men wouldn’t die. Their trials must have meant something to her.
Thank you for gifting me and her with life when I couldn’t be creative. Thank you for the sight of her smile and the warmth of her hugs.
Thank you for feeling guilty and ending it. She looks like a lost kid without you; she can look at me for hours, yet very distantly. You renewed her motives to love me in the way that makes me feel most secure and alive.
I beg you to get back to her and to me. You’re the missing ingredient in our connection, for as long as we all could feel it.
Please bring the light back to our lives.
The Boyfriend/ Husband
Author: Nadine Badrawy
Assistant Editor: JoJo Rowden
Editor: Renee Picard
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