Warning: naughty language ahead!
We attract lovers and partners who are putting out what we are putting out into the world.
We essentially are dating ourselves.
We are big-ass mirrors—walking around dancing with others and ourselves at the same time.
I had a healer, a woman at the farmer’s market, call me on my heart shit this week. She shot from the hip to my heart with so much truth I stumbled.
She told me I was an “unavailable lover.”
But wait…me with the wide-open heart, no boundaries? How? ! I’m a tigress! I’m a strong woman and a strong lover—how can I be unavailable?
I’ll tell you how.
I initially will take a lover in, with the widest of hearts. Shit, you want to fall in love in 24 hours? I’m your girl, I got this. But once you’re in, you get in say, 70 percent, and it may take months or years and then—slam!
Wall.
Puzzled, my lovers may bash their fists against it and say, “Aren’t walls for the first half of love?! Where we are figuring each other out and deciding whether we are going to go all in? You chose me! I chose you! What is this wall? Janne, this is bullshit!”
That wall.
The available but unavailable lover.
Why? Where did this come from?
Let’s rewind.
I grew up with two gay moms. I had a nurturing and fabulous childhood. I didn’t grow up with a father.
I believe having male and female connection in our lives as children to learn how to receive affection is important in cultivating our “how to love” manuals. Our belief systems, baby.
As a little girl, I remember on some level wondering where my father was, or if he wanted to know me.
I didn’t feel chosen.
I felt left.
On some level I have battled my entire life to feel worthy of love from males.
I don’t know how to let a man all the way in. The belief of “I am not worthy of love” is something I took a bat to four years ago and am still keeping in check. I thought I had kicked it to the curb. I doused it with awareness, forgiveness and accountability.
However, maybe I’m not there yet.
I truthfully can say that in my 25 years of loving, I haven’t let anybody all the way in. No one has got through that door, and been enveloped in the abyss that is my heart. No one has penetrated that last 30 percent of my vulnerability.
I’ve loved, yes. But loved to an extent.
This belief of not being worthy of love surfaced in a relationship I had with a partner who worshipped the ground I walked on. I stared at him skeptically with his heart in my hands and rejected his love with my disbelief. I didn’t know how to let him all the way in, I didn’t know how to know his love was authentic. In my inability to receive his love I became insecure and jealous.
But he was there, loving me the whole damn time.
Nasty belief, hey?
So, we attract what we put out. Maybe the reason the last five men I dipped my heart’s toes in didn’t work out because we shared that element—unavailable lovers.
I blamed none of it ever developing more deeply on them being artists, transient musicians or men struggling with accountability.
In reality, I was the one to point a big fat finger at and blame, for not only choosing them as lovers in the first place, but continuing to exist with an unavailable heart.
I drew them in like bees to honey.
Musicians? Safe to love, and unavailable physically.
Long distance? Safe.
Men absorbed in their art, with work on the front burner? Safe. (another mirror…)
One of these recent five lovers was a man who had recently split with his fiancé after cheating on her. I caught his safe ass in my open heart.
Wounded? I got you, babe. Let’s focus on you, that’s safe.
The other musician, who left a long-term relationship, didn’t change his heart sheets, jumped into another woman, and then jumped directly into me. He jumped out of me and back into his past pretty quickly.
The other was a friend who repeated several times he was not desiring of a relationship, but in my head I was like, “Nah, I’m so awesome and we have so much fun—you’ll want to date me.”
Nope, he was as he claimed to be—unavailable.
The last man was a month out of a three year relationship and we both talked and agreed we were in no place to start a fire romantically, except somewhere along the lines we went, “Ahhhh fuck it, both of our hearts sheets aren’t changed. I like you! Let’s be messy together!”
That lasted a week and a half.
So, I continually spoke these men into existence in my heart, right?
I think it’s safe to say the mirror—and the lesson—is (gasp) my unavailable heart is just as much to blame for things not turning into happily ever after.
It’s much easier to point the finger at the you that caused things to fall apart than the me bits.
Now what? Well, the “me” bit.
I work on making this big beautiful heart more available and inevitably I will attract a partner who is also (more) available.
Relephant:
Women: How to Get an Unavailable Man to Want You.
How to Unhook from an Emotionally Unavailable Partner.
Author: Janne Robinson
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: IMDb
Arun Eden-Lewis 
Billy Manas 
Dr. John Douillard 
Elyane Youssef 
Galina Singer 
Samuel Kronen 
Waylon Lewis 
You fucking nailed this one Janne. Here I had been wondering, "am I the only one who sees this?" I have been on both ends of this coin numerous times in the past two years. Life on the road only exacerbated it. But it helped me learn the beauty in being able to love deep as hell, and then let go, and not feel sorrow. Those short-lived, blazing with intensity, travel loves are the ones we'll be tell stories about when we are old fogies, with a gleam in our eyes, and fire in our hearts.
makes me think.I have had so many men in my life, I wanted them to notice me, well what I really wanted was for them to adore me, not change me.Not tell me everything I was not.I wanted this deep soul soul connection I wanted them to see me and love me anyway.I always say, ” My dating life is like pin the tail on the donkey, someone blind folds me and I pin the tail on the donkey” If their is a jackass in the room, Hands off, he is mine! Alcoholic, sure I am in! I will sit uncomfortably pretending that I am okay with all the shit that I am not okay with.
Then I will be furious at how it is all going horribly wrong and I will feel awful anxious..
If you asked me what I wanted from a man, I would have a hard time definging: It is a bunch of noise up there.One part of me wants just raunchy sex and then I want them to leave.That is me now, cause I have children and over responsibility and have lived with an asshole, that I picked for the last 14 years.
I am done with men, I tell myself. After all I live with 3 of them and they are tiresome.
I have had only my mother explain men to me, and that explanantion, leaves me feeling like , well why bother.
I am pretty sure she isn’t all that keen on men herself. Having possed no part of herself, that actually thinks she is fabulous. She too was the collector of broken and weka and needy and screwed up!
I am also kind of sick of trying to figure it all out. It just seems easier not too.
After years of trying to get my life , well myself, to be something, anything other than I am, or was, and then allowing and purposely getting pregnant, I have remained with a man who I hate. Not just a little bit. The details and all the shit are just that and it doesn’t matter. I wanted to love someone and wanted them to love me. I saw examples all around me of couples who coupled and shared resources and seemed to get it. They were locked in. He loved her and he proposed. I never got that and somewhere deep inside, I wanted it. Maybe I wanted it as proof. Proof that someone chose me over everyone else. I wanted to be able to share those tiny scared parts of myself. Some one that would hold my hand and someone who gave a shit about the world and other people and who was not such a horrific baby.I was always there, ready to help and to love and pull their sorry asses up from the hell they created.But, they only ever pulled me down, further and further. If I am honest, really honest, right now I hate men. I am tired of them. Of my son’s who are little but seem to believe that a woman, a mother, is the mother of all problem solvers. I know I probably expect too much from. I want them to be independent where they can, I want them to help where they can and want them to want too, because they love me. I don’t want to have to set up harsh punishments and consequences. I just want them to have one thought , just one thought about helping another human being, with out it being about what they will get out of it.
I am not interested in blaming this on my mom, who has her bed and stayed in it. I am not interested in blaming my father. I really had no relationship with him , but contempt because he was a big, fat whiney, depressed baby , that sucked the life out of everyone and every room. Not spiritual I know. I want to forgive him, but mostly, I don’t even consider him. He has been dead to me for a long time. It no longer hurts, I don’t pine over what I never got. I am also no longer in pain in this relationship, I don’t care any more, I mourned the loss of it.
I do wonder I I could ever love a man and be involved again. This one, this one was the mother load, the meanest and most selfish son of a bitch yet! And so, I don’t trust men! I don’t trust myself with men. I guess, I would rather avoid them than get tangled up with them again.
I know for sure I have built stories and fantasties around who they were and where we were going.
perhaps, I could love a man if we did not live together.
If he would ask what he might do to help instead of hanging on me and being so fucking needy. All of my life, I thought I was the needy one and then I would get involved with all of these men, who were incapable of doing the slightest thing for themselves.
I am not proud of the way I feel , of the wealth of feelings that I have. I look out into th world and try to find an example.
I have never ever, never , had a man who put me first. Who woke up and just made me a cup of coffee , instead of waiting to be waited.
As I write this, I am able to see where and how all of this resentment plays out with my son’s.
It isn’t really fair to them. They have to need me and maybe, if their father was actually a grown man and parented, I wouldn’t be so mad.
Obviously your writing hit a nerve. The nerve I keep buried, because when I say it out loud, all of the good wives and mothers , slam me. When I admit, that motherhood is not enough for me and that I am sick to death of doing for children and a tad resentful about how all of energy is being sucked up and no one is happy or even see’s everything they do have. I tuck myself back into myself, because where the hell can you go to talk about this crap honestly. Women hide, and they pretend or maybe I am just crazy!
So, I think, hen I ask the universe for a man, perhapsI have my fingers crossed behind my back, because I am not ready to have man that demands more from me and shows up as so frigging needy!
I appreciate your honesty, if that helps. And I relate so much. I don't want to hate men because I always loved them so much, but I have found myself feeling that way towards them more than once in my adult life. I have been single for so long because the relationships aren't worth the pain of the break up. It's all nice for a while and then it turns to shit and then the pain…and they aren't worth the trouble.
A great book to read on this topic is He’s Scared, She’s Scared by Steven Carter. It helped me. I can relate to what you say about it taking more than simple awareness and forgiveness to change a pattern like this. We can “drift” back into our pattern at any time. We have to stay conscious and aware all the time to make different choices and not fall into self judging or self blaming because that only keeps us stuck in the pattern. Keep hanging in there!
I like this article Janne. It's very insightful.
So much truth here for me. I let a man into that last 30%. And became a an anxious approval seeking mess. He offcourse felt pressured and ran for the hills. Now practicing nonmonogamy it feels so good and right I connect with people but aren’t ever 100% vulnerable and therefore don’t become a needy mess. I seevthat this is clearly a coping mechanism bit maybe that’s just the way I am.
You did nail it. You said exactly what I have been feeling, I feel we have the same story. Unavailable men is my pattern, but my biggest question is how do I become available? Thankfully, I have become aware of my available yet unavailable heart because all I want is to let “him” in and let myself out. I am starting mediation though mantras. I am trying to unblock that what is in the way of my heart and available, healthy relationships. 🙂 Thank you so much for writing this.
Aw, this is me, too. I just came from my therapist where I was crying through all the anger I have at men who “abandoned” me, starting with my abusive father. In the last decade I’ve dated an alcoholic (safely unavailable to go deeper), someone who lived in a different state (safe!), someone who didn’t really want a LTR (and I very much did – safe!) and the latest was a guy who claimed to be ‘poly’ but really just wanted to screw anything in a skirt without spending the time to deepen our relationship (when I wanted to be mostly monogamous – safe!).
I’m realizing more and more that I’ve been abandoning me as well – not treating myself well, not surrounding myself with healthy people, not setting and keeping healthy boundaries, not being honest with myself about what i want and need, and not comforting myself very well when life hurts.
And in therapy today it dawned on me that I don’t really feel much for people emotionally. Even though I have absolute gratitude and appreciation for the wonderful friends and family I have, it’s an intellectual gratitude. My heart is shut down and walled off for fear of being hurt.
But then I fall for a guy and spill my emotional guts all over him trying to get him to provide the support and reassurance that I wanted but didn’t get as a kid, he doesn’t or can’t or won’t give it, and I push him away and shut him down with my anger and disappointment.
I’m not available either.
Like you, I hope to someday open myself to real, grownup, and available love.
I too have been on both sides of this equation. It’s not until you realise just how much your beleif systems undermine your actions and feelings that you can be more in time and aware of the reallity.
Great story Janne. Loved the way you expressed such vulnerability and honesty in your writing. This resonated very deeply for me at this point. Thank you.
I've been working on making myself available for years. For well over two decades, for half my life. I finally got to the point where I let a lover in, completely in, all the way in. I finally got to the place where I was ready and able to make that commitment, to them, and to myself as well. And when I had done that, made myself completely vulnerable in ways I've never been able to do with anyone, ever, they changed their mind and left. Found someone better for them. Good for them, but, for Pete's sake, really? It's nearly impossible to keep this from reinforcing all the negative beliefs I've worked so hard to unlearn, and I'm grieving this without any idea of how, exactly, to grieve what I was so certain was what I've been looking for my whole life. So, it's back to the drawing board. Again. It would be laughable if it weren't the most pain I've ever been in. The Universe has a perverse sense of humor sometimes… but I'm enough without someone else in the picture, so I've got that to fall back on. If this had happened twenty years ago, I'm not sure I'd be so strong in my faith in myself.
Lyn as you mentioned that u've been working on yourself for a major part of your life in trying to let people in,and that you finally decided to take the plunge and fully try to open up with someone you were with…I'd like to point out that before you got to this point,you might have made quite a journey and tried and tried with various others and then might have shut them off or they might have left because it didnt work out…Don't worry i've gone through the same patters as well and I am just trying to point out that just like we didn't owe all our previous partners a fully committed relationship(because we were the center of our world and we were trying to work it out with them but it didn't somehow work out)…Similarly the ones with whom we are trying to connect with right know,with us being fully aware of our need to open up fully in a relationship…Those ppl might be in a different phase/stage of their life…Even they have their share of things to work on themselves…Maybe they still havent got there where we are now..Or maybe we are not what they are looking for…We can only blame others for leaving us,when we take the entire blame on all those relationships which didn't work out because of us…Its a two way street..We need to first work on the mindset
Woah…. mirror mirror on the wall…. that struck a chord <3
Thank you for this, girl friend. I’ve been working through these same exact realizations over the past few years. I even wrote a poem or two releasing what I knew was the parts of me mirroring in their relationships. I guess this is more confirmation. Glad I’m not the only one. But glad we are working on it.
Thank you for sharing. I've realized this about myself a little while ago, but it feels good to know that others are in a similar boat. I started online dating just recently and every time someone is keen/available I run the other way. It's the musicians and artists or men only interested in casual sex that intrigue me, even though I'm yearning for love, I just can't help myself.
I haven't figured yet how to break that cycle, and would be curious if anyone has an answer.