I want “I see you” more than “I love you.”
I want not to seek moments, but to find myself swept away in them, completely out of control in the vastness of everything. I can not live on moments alone. I want love to make the moments, not moments to make the love.
I want to look into eyes that see through the blue, into the grey and down to the red. Eyes that hear what my mouth can’t speak. I want to see you. All of you. Not your response to my darkness. And I want to be to you as the stars are to the planets. Known.
I want never to cry from questions unanswered or wail from the misperception of me. I want to run rivers from my eyes to my heart because I know that I am seen and that nothing is turned away. Not because I am clean, but because I am filthy with fear and scarred with regret. And that that’s okay.
I want to be held when I’m alone and set down when I’m ready. To be picked up when I stumble and have my smallest step forward cheered. I want to feel safe to be scared, to break down and snap. To trust that it’s alright when I can’t see today for the loom of tomorrow or the linger of yesterday.
I want to know I’m here. That what I’m bursting with and longing to pour out is seen and wanted. That what’s inside comes out in a language that’s known. And that what’s outside already needs no explanation at all.
I want “no matter what”, “whatever it takes”, “I’m listening” and “I’m here.”
I want all this and yet I want still more. I want to learn how to give all this too. Every day. With all of my heart. Till death do us part.
Author: Andy Charrington
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock