May 19, 2015

Initiatory Love. {Poem}

Leo Hidalgo/Flickr

Somewhere in the wild halls between what was and what became

I lost the love I’ve felt for you

I wasn’t robbed of it, it wasn’t stolen

I lost it more in the ways of children turning corners in a labyrinthine life

or the way some lose their marbles as they age—

the love was here, but was misplaced

I misplaced you because,

what I feel for you,

verges on such insanity (sanity)

that I don’t know how to reconcile this sweet ticking time bomb of passionate grief

with the dry literalism that has been laid out for my supper

these decades

with the dry literalism that sinks its crumbly dusty fingers

into every aspect of our lives

how can that and this

share a world?

it shakes and shakes, this love of ours.

The dust is shaken from my bones

No two mortals could hold such a thing

No two mortals

This is not between me and you,

but between me and you

or more precisely it is just you

and you’re passing through me

and I am you and I die into you

And it’s what I’ve always wanted

And the craziness lies in this

this life that I am supposed to

keep control of

so they say

I’m supposed to keep a grip

but how can one grip

the rushing river?

how can one grip

the shaking earth?

how can one grip

the roaring fire?

The rushing wind of your breath

blows my hair in every direction

and leaves me gasping at the edge of a cliff

and I can only fall, and be swept up

Dropping the ballast of my tears

is the only way I can be light enough to fly

and so I cry, I grieve, I mourn

and laugh aloud with tearful freedom

for this passionate upset that turns me inside out

and raises in me the growling howl of freedom longed for

tribe stolen

and union longed for with you

You remind me of this, and

a younger me would have dreamed of some relief

But what relief could there be

that would not kill the faeries?

Aphrodite’s sea foam

cannot be caught—

Can only be loved

by one who loves the sea

I love the sea, even as

its breakers break on me

and break me

break me down

into seafoam

I have given you this, I have given you that,

one after another, every ounce of me

Until it’s me naked on a hill

The stinging droplets and piercing sunbeams alike

in their exquisite robbery

Killing me with time

But that’s the bargain that I made, that we made, at the dawn,

to love the dream while dreamer stirs

Who am I to complain?

There can be no escape from suffering

And all you do is remind me

of all the life for which my heart longs

for which your heart longs

for which our hearts long

every one, every one

My roots long to go deep

My blooms long to take fruit

I catch your eye

am undefended


I am loving

I am crying

I am here


Author: Julian Michels

Editor: Caroline Beaton

Photo: Flickr

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Julian Michels