Somewhere in the wild halls between what was and what became
I lost the love I’ve felt for you
I wasn’t robbed of it, it wasn’t stolen
I lost it more in the ways of children turning corners in a labyrinthine life
or the way some lose their marbles as they age—
the love was here, but was misplaced
I misplaced you because,
what I feel for you,
verges on such insanity (sanity)
that I don’t know how to reconcile this sweet ticking time bomb of passionate grief
with the dry literalism that has been laid out for my supper
these decades
with the dry literalism that sinks its crumbly dusty fingers
into every aspect of our lives
how can that and this
share a world?
it shakes and shakes, this love of ours.
The dust is shaken from my bones
No two mortals could hold such a thing
No two mortals
This is not between me and you,
but between me and you
or more precisely it is just you
and you’re passing through me
and I am you and I die into you
And it’s what I’ve always wanted
And the craziness lies in this
this life that I am supposed to
keep control of
so they say
I’m supposed to keep a grip
but how can one grip
the rushing river?
how can one grip
the shaking earth?
how can one grip
the roaring fire?
The rushing wind of your breath
blows my hair in every direction
and leaves me gasping at the edge of a cliff
and I can only fall, and be swept up
Dropping the ballast of my tears
is the only way I can be light enough to fly
and so I cry, I grieve, I mourn
and laugh aloud with tearful freedom
for this passionate upset that turns me inside out
and raises in me the growling howl of freedom longed for
tribe stolen
and union longed for with you
You remind me of this, and
a younger me would have dreamed of some relief
But what relief could there be
that would not kill the faeries?
Aphrodite’s sea foam
cannot be caught—
Can only be loved
by one who loves the sea
I love the sea, even as
its breakers break on me
and break me
break me down
into seafoam
I have given you this, I have given you that,
one after another, every ounce of me
Until it’s me naked on a hill
The stinging droplets and piercing sunbeams alike
in their exquisite robbery
Killing me with time
But that’s the bargain that I made, that we made, at the dawn,
to love the dream while dreamer stirs
Who am I to complain?
There can be no escape from suffering
And all you do is remind me
of all the life for which my heart longs
for which your heart longs
for which our hearts long
every one, every one
My roots long to go deep
My blooms long to take fruit
I catch your eye
am undefended
undemanding
I am loving
I am crying
I am here
~
Author: Julian Michels
Editor: Caroline Beaton
Photo: Flickr
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