My heart spoke to me. It was a quiet inner voice that took me by surprise.It told me to be heavy.
Although this wasn’t the first time I’d heard the voice, it was the first time it had asked me to take a specific action.
I shook it off and continued getting ready for my day.
A little later I heard the voice again: “Let me be heavy.”
This time it was more disconcerting. I felt a sadness budding within.
I silently but forcefully responded: “No.”
As the day wore on and the magic of a morning massage faded I realized it was time to deal with this persistent request for heaviness; I focused on the mundane. I paid bills and cleaned the house. I hoped this would suffice.
It didn’t. The voice was determined to be heard. “Why will you not let me feel this heaviness?”
This time, I stopped in my place and continued to listen but heard no further guidance. So I asked myself: “Why do I need to be heavy? Why would I waste my time and energy on the heaviness I am not prepared for?”
In an instant, I knew. I didn’t need to hear the voice again. I felt it in a rush.
It was a process I had been resisting.
I had been going through a busy and stressful time. There had been family illness, work and money issues and the loss of close relationships. A heap of change I hadn’t allowed myself to process. Instead I masked each devastation making excuses and keeping busy.
As I sat with the feeling of heaviness, I felt a flood of relief. I was able to acknowledge that I was struggling. That I had been for some time.
In feeling what was truly there I realized I wasn’t hurting myself. I wasn’t giving into negativity. I was simply accepting my present state, being in the moment and giving an outlet to emotions that needed to run their course so that healing could take place.
By allowing this weighty realization to settle, the gratitude and pleasantness remained though I felt more dynamic. I felt like a real person living a real life, dealing with real issues. It felt like freedom.
This heaviness didn’t make me a lesser human being; I wasn’t a lesser partner, friend, colleague, or professional. I took pride in my ability to feel the dynamic fluctuations of my situation and myself.
I took off the rose colored glassed I had been wearing and looked at myself through what I perceived as the dirty lenses of life. I saw a person who was trying their best. A person that was not always ready to participate and who was sometimes fearful when an unknown heaviness set in.
In that one moment I saw a beautiful, troubled, courageous and dynamic person shine through.
The dirty lens of life is a beautiful vision.
Human beings are more like icebergs than mammals; we hide 90% of our mass—our heaviness. When the real picture is revealed it is stunning!
It is the picture of an imperfect person doing their best on a daily basis to live with the dirt and allow the love, gratitude and kindness to shine.
I am a beautiful, dirty, chaotic, perfectly imperfect person. If I were to wear my dirty lenses of life and lose the rose colored glasses I’d see that more often.
I believe this is contentment.
And so, I choose to live in this imperfect moment because it carries more freedom than the unrealistic, perfect future I had planned for myself.
Perhaps you felt drawn to my story because there is a heaviness you feel ready to question and feel. I say, there’s nothing to lose!
Grab a pair of dirty lenses and see for yourself all the good, kind, loving acts you commit each day. Forget the perfection and bask in the joy of doing your best.
Tomorrow could be heavier or lighter, so why waste the perfect moment you are in right now?
My Heart Said to Be Gentle. So I listened.
Author: Jennifer Quinlan
Apprentice Editor: Bianca Marks / Editor: Catherine Monkman
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