3.6
July 14, 2015

Enough of the sh*t, God: A Stranger’s whiny Monologue.

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God sits up there in his high chair, letting out deep sighs and muffled laughs.

He watches me stumble again and again, an entertaining character to his satirical comedy. Life.

I know you’re really bored up there, like it wasn’t crazy enough with hateful people and negligent human beings on this planet! But you decided to add another pitiful person to your cast of League of Extraordinary Freaks. What satisfaction does it bring you, watching me get out of bed and struggling to fit in with people who don’t understand me? Oh, the tragedy of being a misfit.

I see what you’re doing by throwing that indecisive guy my way, the one who texts in the middle of the night. You think I’ll fall into his tiny trap of treachery because I’m feeling a bit sad and lonely tonight? As long as I have YouTube web-series and a good supply of green tea, I won’t need to text back that guy. However, you should probably get back to revising those prayers I made last night. I don’t see any magic happening in my life right now. I’m not getting any younger.

You love putting me in social situations with nasty people. The kind of people who hate anything unconventional or remotely hippie, ugh. They make me vomit in my brain and bring out the worst in me. While I try to mentally digest their sad and rigid world views, I start breaking into sweats and turn into Miss Fidget Fingers. Not the good kind of fidget fingers where I help myself to an orgasm every night. The bad kind, where I twist and turn my fingers till I break breadsticks in my hands. What a waste of breadsticks!

I can sense your eye squints and mocking laughs when you watch me break down in front of these people. Your omnipresence isn’t forgotten. Don’t waste your breath on me, I’m just someone trying to get her life together while you wait and watch.

You know those goodie two-shoes who live right across the street? Yes, those two sisters, they keep up to me every weekend to have a chat with me about how I’m losing faith. Stop sending those bitches my way, please. They won’t stop going on about how life has trials and turbulence and how I need to find my connection with God. How about we focus on bettering the lives of those two kids who live across the block being abused every single day? Why don’t you fix that instead of watching me find comfort in the latest season of Doctor Who.

Good luck with your inbox full of unanswered prayers and desperate pleas.

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Relephant read:

Top 10 Stand-up Comedy Clips on God.

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Author: Huda Syyed

Editor: Travis May

Photo:Video Still

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