August 7, 2015

The Breakup that Taught Me What Love Is.

Missing, Loss, Break up

I met the love of my life in what some consider random circumstances while in Goa, the fairyland state of India. In my heart I know it was a meeting the heavens were planning for many years.

The moment we met, the first smile we shared and the consequent conversation that followed, everything was as if we had known each other for lifetimes before.

Though we came from two very extreme cultures and different schools of thought, with him I felt like I could be myself.

The chemistry was unreal. I was in heaven. And he was the archangel.

In the weeks that followed it was evident how madly in love we were with each other. We were inseparable. Though we didn’t live together, we made it a point to sleep under the same roof almost every night. I couldn’t believe all that I had dreamed of in a man was lying down beside me in a gorgeous heap of physical glory. Even our friends were engulfed by our light and they too were ecstatic about our union. We decided within 2 months of seeing each other that this was it. Our search had ended.

We both agreed we had found our soul mate.

As it goes, life isn’t always a flat sea and the smooth sailors do face some rough obstacles along the way. As did we when it was time for us to separate and leave each other for the summer months. He had visa formalities in Moscow and I had family waiting in Dubai. During the time apart, my heart and mind began wandering. Wandering away from him.

Lured by the bright city lights and the fast-paced life, I forgot the warm fuzzy feelings my lover had so gently given me and soon plunged into the arms of an alcohol-driven downward spiral. Soon we broke up and I was convinced I would never see him again.

He didn’t give up on me and a month later we were re-united in Goa. It was strange at first like a child learning to ride a bike, we kept falling, but we didn’t give up. We took a house together in the jungle. Adopted a kitten. Turned our home into a little love nest. It was idyllic and magical to say the least. The romantic monsoon helped us glue our relationship together even better than before.

Goa can be a scary place. It’s a hedonistic haven where freedom has no limits. The excess drugs and parties are what’s draws the young, wild and free in hordes. If you’re not cautious, you can be sucked into the vortex and spat out before you even can remember your name.

Initially we partied a lot together. It was great fun riding on bikes to late night parties in secret locations or by the sea or on top of the hills. I mean, seriously, life was like a rainbow roller coaster of sparkling moments and he was the space pilot of my spaceship, but he evils of that lifestyle soon caught up with us and spun a web of lies and confusion that drove us two apart.

Egos replaced love. Loud yelling replaced careless whispers and many nights were spent in the company of our friends and even in the arms of new lovers rather than with each other.

The drugs had made us completely crazy.

Seven months later, we looked back and realized we had lost everything. We were living in different homes, barely speaking to each other, broke and had no idea where we were heading.

I left Goa heartbroken and decided to visit my family and all those nights alone, I cried when I realized what had happened. I lost the one true love I had in my life, the one friend that I knew I could trust.

I lost the only person who was the other piece of my puzzle.

I cried wondering if we’d ever be together again, and not knowing if the damage done could be reversed.

While I thought about all these things, I understood what true love was.

A letter I wrote to him:

What is love?

So many discussions about what is it. So many songs pondering what is it.

So, what is it?

Love is not what they show in movies that’s for sure. It’s not about flowers and chocolates and late night rendezvous under the stars. I mean that’s great. But, that’s not love.

Love is washing the dishes really quietly so you can let your partner sleep in late.

Love is picking his chocolates over yours in the supermarket when you don’t have enough cash to get both.

Love is fixing her bike even though she just fought with you because you know she cannot do it alone.

Love is sitting in a hammock, talking for hours about everything from soldering irons to Bitcoins to stars.

Love is two people having steaming hot sex after a spicy Goan thali.

Love is waiting in bed unable to sleep when you know he or she is out because you miss the way their body feels against yours when you sleep.

Love is the smell of morning coffee and the sight of him making it in his underwear while you paint your nails.

Love is the way she only sees your eyes every time she falls asleep. Love is when you come out freezing from a shower, in the wee hours of the morning after party, and he is standing there with a full blasting heat gun warming you up.

Love is when he redecorates or adds to the house each time you go out of town for a show.

Love is so many unexplainable wonders that when alone we understand it’s value. Upon reflection everything else just skims the surface but when it touches us within, nothing, no matter how shiny and attractive it may be will come close to being that fulfilling.

Love is not what we see on screen. It’s what we feel in between…two souls that come together as one.

Love is the universe inside us, having fun.

If this love never comes to me again, it’s fine.

I am so grateful I had the chance to have it in this lifetime.



5 Steps to Survive a Breakup.



Author: Andrea Newton

Apprentice editor: Kathryn Lizzadro-McPherson / Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: I Miss You Bad, Holly Lay (Flickr) 




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