Where did you come from?
I wasn’t expecting to see you today.
I was trying so hard to pretend you weren’t there.
Why the hell can’t you just leave me alone? You’re not welcome here!
I don’t like the way you churn inside my chest, with my heart pounding so hard and my face flushing a bright red.
I can feel the heat spreading across my cheeks and down my body. I don’t like the paralyzing effect you have on me and how my mind seems to go blank with indecision when you are here.
I was trying so hard to be different… to be kind and accepting of her. I welcomed her with open arms and even invited her into my home.
I tried to be her friend.
I saw the way she looked at him out of the corner of my eye and I wondered what it was like when they were alone, without me there.
My mind took me to those dark places and I was immobilized.
Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why did you have to bother me and cause me to run away into the bedroom where I sobbed for hours?
I didn’t mean to break every plate in the kitchen that night after she had left. You are turning me into a crazy woman… a different person!
I don’t like the way this feels and the person I am becoming. I don’t want to feel like this! I don’t want to feel anything at all!
Go bother someone else!
What do you want from me? I want my peace back.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time and that you don’t like me.
It is amazing the lengths people will go to avoid me…ignoring me, pushing me away, and projecting me onto the person that they would prefer I bother instead of them.
Why did I come? You invited me.
You made a place for me inside your heart where it’s warm and cozy and I like it in there.
The warmth you feel is me getting comfortable in your skin, opening you to new thoughts and feelings.
Why are you trying to be anything that you aren’t? Did you really think that would help you avoid me?
Sometimes people think that if they try to be different that I will spare them my company. But here’s the thing: I search for people who are different. I love the challenge that comes with helping them feel something so strong that they discover new insights about themselves.
You threw those plates—I didn’t make you do that. It made you feel better. Why are you judging yourself so harshly?
How were you feeling? Rage? Grief? Pain?
Remember that when I visit you, I am just a conduit to help you understand all your emotions.
I am not sorry that you were crying. Crying cleans out all the junk buried inside that wants to break free.
I can’t give you back your peace; only you can find it for yourself, once you have discovered why you invited me and what lesson you need to learn from me.
What do I want from you?
I want you to stand strong in your discomfort and allow me to touch all the grief and pain…so that it washes over you and transforms you from the inside out.
I want you to find the acceptance and the love you desire for yourself.
I want you to understand your heart so well that you won’t need me anymore and you can let me go.
Author: Stephanie Parry
Editor: Renée Picard
Image: gksfk0309 at Flickr