September 4, 2015

Do This One Thing to Finally Find the One.

self-love, body image, heart


The One…

True Love…

Whatever the name, does anyone still believe this mythical being even exists?

But it must exist…if only because an alluring photo of The One has been taking up some valuable real estate on my vision board for years!

According to the worldwide champion of love and compassion, His Holiness the Dalai Lama,

“You cannot love another if you do not love yourself.”

Self-love is one of the newest buzzwords gaining traction in the self-development world.

But we must ask ourselves these questions:

How do we define self-love?

How do we “do” self-love?

How does self-love allow us to attract our perfectly fitted lover, The One?

To define self-love, we must first define love. We can each experience love in myriad ways. We can love our children, our siblings, our parents, our pets or our lovers, to name the most common.

Think about falling in love for a moment. What’s actually occurring?

Yes, you’re feeling intense emotions, but beyond that when we are falling in love, we are appreciating and accepting our new lover.

Our new lover can often do no wrong. At the beginning, it is almost as if our red flag indicator has been temporarily switched to the off position. We are completely accepting of them during this time.

When we think about them, we are thinking about how amazing they are—how caring, loving, kind, and so on. We are appreciating them completely during this time.

And as our appreciation and acceptance grows, so does our love.

In the same way, we can define self-love as self-appreciation and self-acceptance.

When we fully accept and appreciate ourselves as we are at every moment, we naturally stop feeling guilt and shame because we understand that we are perfectly imperfect. As a result, we can take responsibility for our actions, instead of blaming others.

Here’s the thing—most of us have been running an anti-self-love campaign for many, many years. Every time we harshly judge ourselves and speak negatively to ourselves, we are launching an attack against us. There is only one reason we continue to do this—we have made it a pattern. We have been practicing negative self-talk and hyper-self-criticism for years.

Fortunately, the solution is simple. The only thing required of us is to begin the daily practice of self-love, whether through mirror exercises, writing processes, guided visualizations, meditation, or heart-opening exercises, to name just a few.

Self-love is an action, and it must be practiced every day, just as we’ve been practicing non-self-loving behaviors every day.

As we consistently feed ourselves self-love, our old patterns will dissipate and rise to the surface to be worked through. The key difference now is that we are working through them from a place of self-loving discernment rather than a place of judgment.

When we replace our judgment with discernment, looking at our challenging behaviors becomes much easier, because we don’t have to break through the guilt and shame that have often kept these behaviors hidden from us.

So, how does having more self-love allow us to attract The One?

Let’s think about why we get into relationships to begin with. If we’re lacking a sufficient amount of self-love, we often seek a relationship that will help us experience love and avoid our feelings of loneliness. The relationship temporarily fills these holes of love.

But after the honeymoon phase ends, all of our stuff begins to show back up. It wasn’t gone; it was just buried. Our partner then becomes a reflection of our challenging behaviors and insecurities. If we avoid this reflection, it becomes magnified, and we get more irritated with our partner as we project those behaviors back onto them.

In my most challenging and growth-filled relationships, every bit of my insecurity was dredged up from every dark crevice of my being. It was like looking in a full-size mirror that doubled as a full-size magnet, pulling all things unworthy to the surface. My insecurities were in control, leading me to question my actions and my worthiness.

Did I say the wrong thing just then?

Am I good enough for her?

If I do this, will she like me more?

Many times these questions were completely unconscious and showed up only in my behaviors.

So, how can we possibly be ourselves in a relationship if we’re bombarding ourselves with questions that come from a place of insecurity and a place of people-pleasing?

The thing is this: we bring into our lives someone who matches how we truly feel about ourselves. If we feel an overall unworthiness and insufficient amount of self-love in our intimate relationships, we’ll tend to attract someone who mirrors that back to us. This is the Wrong One.

But when we finally love, accept, and appreciate ourselves for exactly who we are, we will attract someone who reflects that back to us. When we show up to our relationship this way, we are no longer dependent on the relationship to provide us love—we have given it to ourselves first. So, it begins with loving ourselves. A good first step on this path is to spend two minutes looking in the mirror, every day, appreciating yourself for who you are. Tell yourself you love yourself. If it’s challenging, then you know it’s exactly what the Love Doc ordered.



Finding “The One”.


Author: Tim Hastings

Apprentice Editor: Caitlin Oriel; Editor: Caroline Beaton

Image: Flickr/Charlotte Astrid 


You must be logged in to post a comment. Create an account.

Lauren Sep 12, 2015 5:58pm

Self love is important, but so is realizing patterns of past relationships that didn't work so you know what not to settle for in the future. When you love yourself, you also feel worthy of that amazing relationship. I still beat myself up sometimes, but doesn't mean that I didn't know how I wanted to be treated by a partner. So with a mixture of self love & breaking patterns I attracted my "The One" and it's amazing. Soulmate/True Love/The One, which ever you want to call it does exist and I'm very blessed to have it 🙂

Shana Sep 12, 2015 4:52pm

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article and resonated with a lot of the points you shared. As a love coach Self-Love is the foundation of my work. I'm encouraged to see that Self-Love gaining more awareness and momentum from people like you to empower individuals. Thank you!

Timothy Manning Sep 4, 2015 12:07pm

Every time I read an article like this I tend to see circuity. It appears as if we are depending on the mirror whether we use it during our period of low self esteem, or during our periods of high self esteem. Neither is really about opening ourselves and our emotions. Everyone in our neck of the woods is probably familiar with Rumi the Sufi poet. He suggests that when we have a good friend, someone who get us to open up about ourselves, and is also willing to listen, we no longer need a mirror. I interpret this as we are no longer being bipolar at all, whether negative or positive. We aren't existing yang, or yin either. But rather in the center. Biblically speaking this is equivalent to being not at our left hand of Lucifer, or our right hand of Christ, but rather in the center. The end of duality is the end of attraction. If we have parents who are able to listen to us and are interested in our lives, then we don't typically have to pass through harsh waking up periods. For the rest of us, if we think back to the periods when we started to fall into reality, it almost always involves someone who was willing to listen to what we were experiencing, a good friend or parental type figure, even if we like to meditate, and even if we have kept things in for years without talking about it. Indeed, if we were truly able to love ourselves de novo, as many people suggest, especially in the New Age, we wouldn't be all One. Stability comes through relationships, our willingness to be open and honest, and who life puts on our path to facilitate this. Self Love is likely better described with a capital S for Self, Self as in All. And every religion philosophy and spiritual science in our history has always described the Self as common to All, the I AM. So Self Love depends on who we are lucky enough to find who help us find ourselves, and who we decide to surround ourselves with.

Read Elephant’s Best Articles of the Week here.
Readers voted with your hearts, comments, views, and shares:
Click here to see which Writers & Issues Won.

Tim Hastings

For the past fifteen years Tim Hastings has toured around the world facilitating, organizing and participating in personal growth trainings. His coaching and trainings are a blend of acute cognitive based techniques combined with highly attuned guided visualizations to fully integrate change on a foundational level. He works with private clients and course participants from around the world as a provocateur of transformation. His goal is to assist you in creating a life and relationship that you’re ecstatic about. He is the creator of the acclaimed, tele-course Finally Finding the One.