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“Making love involves two people, but having an orgasm involves a single individual who takes full responsibility for getting there!” ~ Harriet Lerner
Recently, a 40-something-year-old friend shared with me that she had never experienced an orgasm.
I struggled to keep my surprise barely perceptible while calmly offering her a few suggestions that I hoped might help to place this particular “never” behind her.
Discovering that this core-emanating release isn’t a dependable part of every person’s sexual experience feels unsettling, especially if orgasms are a familiar part of our everyday life—as routine as brushing our teeth or as seemingly-essential as eating.
This topic was on my mind for days following the above conversation. I was curious about how many women don’t experience orgasms—either while alone or with a partner—curious enough to do a little research.
The numbers are all over the place, with the Kinsey Institute indicating that 20 to 30 % of women don’t experience orgasms during intercourse and statistics from smaller studies suggesting that this number can reach as high as 70%. The numbers are quite different for men—which isn’t surprising considering that most men master the art of touching themselves by their late teens. A more drawn-out learning curve is typical for women.
Many women have sex several times before experiencing their first orgasm, but that first time is an unmistakable “aha” moment. From that point forward, we usually know how we got there and we can arrive there again with increasing ease.
Scientists and doctors will explain an orgasm with talk of blood and nerve endings. When we experience this sweet, short-lived pleasure, however, we are dealing with much more than just a physical sensation. If allowed and nurtured, we can be working with a gateway to a deeper connection—with our lover, with ourselves and with our world.
Our beings are sending out waves of energy, interlacing realms of surrounding presence. Powerful. Transcendent.
I love exploring the topic of sacred intimacy, yet, for this write-up, will keep it simple and focused on the physical surrender, alone.
If you have yet to unleash this Niagara of unbinding bliss, it’s good to remember that you are far from alone. While the below suggestions aren’t dipping into much depth as far as good sex advice goes, they may help to turn you in a worthwhile direction and be a good launching point to dive in a little further.
Yeah, a partner is good—maybe the best, but of course you don’t need a partner to experience an orgasm. A deeper, fuller orgasm with a partner can be quite a bit different from the more focused and locally intense variety reached through a vibrator. Both are unique. Both are good.
2. Get on top.
Being positioned on top of your partner gives you control over the pace, angle, depth and amount of stimulation. The many variations of this position make it fun—and, as it doesn’t seem to be one of the more effectual positions for men, your partner may be able to last longer, allowing more time for you to finish.
While men are more wired to be visually stimulated, women tend to be turned on more through scenarios. Use your mind to concoct that perfect, unplanned meet-up with some lucky man in a darkly lit and deserted alleyway—no boundaries.
Unless you are comfortable, at ease and truly enjoying the experience, it is going to be difficult to let go and allow your sexual energy to shift and release.
In general, but maybe most importantly; allow yourself the freedom to open-mindedly explore, feel confident and have fun!
Side note: I talked with my friend a few weeks later and she shared that, with the help of her new ‘plastic, fantastic lover’ and a scenario involving a locked office door, “no orgasms” are a thing of the past.
With a better feel for how she arrived there, I have no doubt that she will soon be enjoying this experience with her partner, as well—and, with this added dimension, cultivate a deeper appreciation for their entire connection.
How to have a fun, sexy, heartfelt, genuine, mutual experience when making love:
Author: Carrie Ciula
Editor: Renée Picard
Image: Helga Weber/Flickr