October 10, 2015

I’m Still Not Over You Yet.

Flickr/Neal Fowler


Do you ever get the feeling of, “Damn, I just lost another great one?

After they leave you, do you feel frustrated, helpless, hurt and alone?

Most of us want to recover quickly and by any means necessary. Every time my heart is broken I try to recover fast, but not always in a healthy manner.

My current relationship status is a mystery. I don’t know how to explain it to others—or even to myself. I’ve been hanging out with a girl for the past few months; she will stay at my place, or I will stay at hers. On the rare occasions we do not hang out, she will mysteriously enter my home late at night.

I don’t mind, nor do I consider it an intrusion, because the honest truth is that I am lonely.

A few months ago, my heart was completely in the hands of another girl. When she suddenly upped and left, she shattered my world. For a few weeks, I felt like a zombie wandering the world, unable to speak, express my true emotions or find joy in anything.

Enter new woman.

New woman and I spend a lot of time together. We have talked about our status and decided not to make any formal decision about it. This would drive some people insane—the uncertainty of time spent with someone you may care for, but aren’t sure yet. I don’t really mind, because I believe I am still on the rebound.

These 10 signs have been a signal to me that I am nowhere near over my ex yet and that I’m on the rebound. Maybe you them in yourself:

1. We call exes or potential partners we know will spend time with us.

We are scared to put ourselves out there, so we look for the easy road—the road where rejection is void. I called an ex because I knew she wouldn’t say no to us spending time together.

2. We compare all actions of any new potential partner to the actions of our old one.

We hold any new partner to the same standards as our old partner.

3. We expect the same things from our new partner.

Every person is a unique individual. If we are on the rebound and our thoughts are currently still on someone else, we will constantly expect our new partner to behave and act like our old partner.

4. We don’t really care if our new partner meets our expectations.

Let’s face it, if we are on the rebound we want our old flame back. We can’t truly put our heart into this one like the previous relationship.

5. Any new partner seems like a filler.

We probably don’t intend to make anything serious out of this new relationship, so we don’t treat it seriously. We are either hoping our previous love returns to us, or searching for the time and distraction to help us feel free again.

6. We get hurt easily if our new partner flakes on us.

It’s possible we aren’t mad that they flaked on us, but rather are hurt because the time that would have been a distraction is now left to think and sulk about our ex.

7. We lower our standards.

We are willing to be with people that don’t get or fit us properly. Again, a distraction is needed, so we accept anyone who is willing to take the job.

8. We don’t want to be alone—at all.

As mentioned before, we are willing to accept someone who doesn’t fill our soul or give us butterflies. We want to be with anyone just to avoid the pain we feel when we are alone.

9. We still make attempts at communications with our ex.

We may send subtle messages or the occasional “hello,” in the hopes of sparking up a conversation that leads to some interaction, but most of the time we get shot down and just feel worse. Nonetheless, this is an obvious sign we are truly not ready to move on.

10. We would take our ex back at any cost—at any price.

We would drop any new potential people we are seeing on the dime to be back with our ex.

Me, I still think about my ex every hour of every day. I want to move on, but even after almost half a year and some fun and meaningful moments with another woman, I exhibit all of the above mentioned traits.

I feel like I’m settling for someone emotionally; I am closed off and emotionally unavailable. I treat her unfairly at times by expecting her to act like my ex without communicating what specifically I desire or need. The times she has had other plans, I’ve been sad because it makes me sulk and think about my ex. Finally, I would surely take my ex back at the drop of a hat, under any circumstances.

I am officially rebounding, which is unfair to her and myself.

Rebounding can be dangerous. We may end up developing serious feelings for the one we are using to help distract us from thoughts of our ex. If we are displaying attributes of the above mentioned behaviors, they probably aren’t putting much stock in any relationship with us, either. Still, they may wear us down, we may develop feelings for them over time, and because we did not enter the relationship with sincere intent, we could end up losing them by our insincerity.

I worry I may end up in this boat, as I am being slowly won over by my new flame’s spontaneity, availability and zeal for life. However, my heart at the moment is still firmly stuck in the hands of another. That could change.

The truth—and the best advice I seem to get—is when we are heartbroken we need to spend more time with ourselves. There will be others. Yes, there will be others, but we must take the time to properly heal so that we don’t hurt anyone else’s feelings, get hurt even more ourselves or spend countless days feeling frustrated by our own actions.

Instead of rebounding, we might spend time alone getting to know ourselves intimately again. Rediscover who we are.

We shouldn’t be afraid to go it alone for a little while until we feel ready to make ourselves available and fully present with new potential partners. I am afraid of being alone right now, because I don’t want to be sad all day. However, I also recognize the need to heal properly and be alone, and so the path I’m on could have disaster written all over.

We will know when we are ready to go back “on the market.” When we have fully healed and feel comfortable in our own skin again, we will begin to attract the right people for us. Those people who make us feel good and with whom we genuinely want to connect.

We will know this, because we will not compare any new potential flame with our ex and, our ex will be far from our thoughts.


Relephant reads:

Dear Rebound.


Author: Adam Wilkinson

Editor: JoJo Rowden

Photo: Neal Fowler/flickr


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