*Warning Adult Language Ahead*
Sometimes we just need to be f*cked.
I’m an independent type, yet sometimes, I want to be owned. I want to know that I am yours and you are mine.
I want to feel the desire emanating from your soul for me, while my desire pours forth from mine.
Raw. Real. Vulnerable.
I’ve spent most of my life running solo, fighting my own battles and picking myself up by my bootstraps when I fell—as many of us have.
This is partly my own fault, as I have had people around me who were more than willing to assist me in my times of need. More than willing to love me through the tough times.
But I didn’t want it. I didn’t need it. (I thought.)
I saw it as weak. I fancied myself a warrior and to me that meant I didn’t need anyone.
How wrong I was.
The only time I would back down and allow myself to surrender to anyone, was in the bedroom. I craved the strong man who would throw me down on the floor, or up against the wall and just own me. It was the only place I could feel vulnerable, the only place I thought it was okay to surrender to another. Because in my mind, I knew that that was the one place a man would always show up.
I wouldn’t surrender to him in life, where he could disappoint me, but in bed, sure.
I wore the pants in all of my relationships—outside the bedroom—but within, please dominate me. Pull my hair, bite my neck, shove my face in the pillow and please, talk dirty to me.
For a long time I searched for a man who was tougher than me, harder than me, stronger than me, more independent than me. The one that wouldn’t back down from my bullsh*t, my Ms. Independent I don’t need anyone act.
I found him. My warrior. The one who walks on the outside of the curb closest to traffic so I can walk inside, even though I tell him I don’t need him to do that. The one who runs around to get the car door for me. The one who doesn’t run for the hills when I am struggling to work through anger. And when I want to run away from it all and quit, like I’ve always done, he calls me on it.
The one who teaches me how to embrace my emotions and my soft side.
As I’ve learned to trust another, intimacy takes on a whole new meaning.
He challenges me to be better. To do better. To push harder in my practice of being a vulnerable human.
Those of us that aren’t used to being pushed—this can be a challenge to accept. Right?
We can get mad, uptight, our pride and the ego wants to cry out,“how dare you?”
A good f*cking.
Make an agreement with one another. When that collision of energies arises, agree to go f*ck. Vigorous activity releases tension and what better way to release tension between us and our partners than either laughing or f*cking?
If you can, do both!
This is why we need to talk about our needs and desires. To honor our processes together. Whatever they are.
Just this morning, at the end of my yoga practice, I was so turned on. Energy blocks released during the practice cleared out some channels and I was raring to go. (This happens often.) Then on the way home, we started bickering. (Also happens often.)
Here is the crossroads.
I could either go on and on in my head, listening to my ego, and let’s face it—our egos hate challenges, or, I could let it go, and rip his clothes off and free the tension that way. But see, that is still risky for me, because my ego still whispers that it’s too vulnerable to initiate the f*cking. It’s funny how we can be so strong and independent in life, then question ourselves when it comes to sex initiation.
While I was debating this in my head, he made the decision for me.
He threw me down and f*cked me. It was hot and dirty and intense. There is a time for making love, but this wasn’t it.
This happens all the time.
Sometimes we get so caught up in little emotions, hurt feelings, the next task, work, school and life, that we forget. We get stuck in a rut, even in our relationships. We hold back, we get blocked and we function at half performance. We need to remember to release energies and tensions on our own, as well as with our partners.
So maybe next time our ego tells us, “no, they might reject me” laugh at that voice and go grab your partner and devour them—they may be waiting for you to do just that.
Author: Lindsay Carricarte
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock