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January 20, 2016

Where is my Neon Sign, Universe?

Dorian Kartalovski/Unsplash

I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. Lost in the sense that I am not entirely sure of my purpose or what I should be doing. Essentially questioning what my calling is.

I’ve found myself literally asking this question out loud as well. I’ll find myself driving to the grocery store and looking out the window aimlessly, shouting out to the universe, “Where do you want me to go?”

I’m not really expecting an answer, but at the same time, I am.

Does that even make sense? To shout out to the empty space in your vehicle wondering where or what on earth your purpose is? And do I honestly expect a deep resonating voice to get back to me with an answer to the thing I struggle with the most right now?

Is this a sign that I have finally gone off the deep end? (I just looked out the front window. No men with a little white “hug myself” jacket appearing as of yet).

The biggest problem I am experiencing, besides the feeling lost, is the side effect of feeling lost.

This side effect is better known as the “I can get to that tomorrow” syndrome. This syndrome has included housework that will still be there tomorrow. Laundry that can wait ’til tomorrow. Shopping that is not really necessary today, because I can do it tomorrow. The gym, well, this too will still be there tomorrow.

It really has been everything that I should be doing but seems so much easier to reschedule for tomorrow. I’ve only been doing what I feel is necessary (which, as I look at my disaster zone kitchen, hasn’t been a lot).

I hate to admit it, but some days even getting dressed could wait ’til tomorrow.

Back in August, I was released from my duties as Marketing Manager for the company that I worked for. It was a huge shock to me at the time. I honestly did not see it coming that morning when the General Manager walked into my office shortly after I arrived for my day and slid a piece of paper across my desk telling me I was done.

As I look back on it now, I was actually relieved that she let me go. I had lost my passion for the position for a number of reasons, and it was obviously showing in my work. I left the office that day somewhat comfortable with not having to return, to be quite honest.

But days later, it shook me to my core that I didn’t know what I was meant to do. I didn’t feel like I belonged there at that position, and as I scoured the employment websites looking for a new job, I found that I wasn’t finding anything that screamed out to me, “Yes. This is where I belong.”

I went on a few interviews hoping that something, anything, would spark an interest for me. Each time I sat through the interview, though, I hit a brick wall. No, that company wasn’t where I belonged either, I thought as I left the building. I even had a couple companies offer me a position, but I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it.

So I found myself questioning my skills. All of my skills. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be in marketing. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be in social media. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a Mom. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. Maybe I wasn’t meant to live here.

It really did spiral down for me. I quite often found myself crying over the silliest of things. The shirt I really wanted to wear that day was in the laundry; I’d cry. The job interview I was scheduled to attend got cancelled; I’d cry. The friend I was supposed to meet up with had an emergency to attend to and had to cancel our get together; I’d cry.

There have been a lot of tears over the last few months. And the shouting at the universe continued:

Show me what you want from me!

Give me some indication of which direction I should start looking!

Why are you ignoring me?!

Well, as you are probably well aware, no booming voice answered me. No neon flashing sign has appeared to light the way.

But something has happened.

Something has been nagging at me. Some little voice or feeling has been quietly waiting for attention. I read a story, and it’s there. I hear a song, and it’s there. I go for coffee with a friend, and there in the conversation is that little voice.

It’s not the bright shining light I was asking for, but it is pulling me in a direction. Please don’t ask what direction, because I have not yet discovered the hidden path it is showing me.

I feel like the groundwork is being laid. The foundation is being poured. Something great and wonderful is about to happen, and I need to prepare for it. I don’t know if this something is going to happen today, tomorrow or next month.

The crazy thing about this, though, is that I am ready.

I am ready for the unknown great thing that I just know is about to happen. I am also scared. And excited. And I am full of excitement for this something to be here.

I have absolutely no clue as to what it is, but I do know I’m on the right path. The best part of recognizing this is knowing that these last few months have really been about readying the infrastructure. And feeling like I have purpose again.

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Author: Debbi Serafinchon

Editor: Toby Israel

Image: Dorian Kartalovski/Unsplash

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