I came to a realization recently, as I pondered sex and intimacy:
No matter how much sex we partake in, no matter how carnally good it may feel on the physical plane, it’s not going to satisfy the hunger in our soul unless we are first connected within our selves.
Once I experienced intimate, connected and mind-blowing sex, all the other sexual encounters I’ve experienced pale in comparison.
Sex, like anything else pleasurable, has the potential to be abused, overused or used for the wrong reasons. It has the potential to become an addiction, or means of avoidance. But, like anything addictive—be it drugs, alcohol or gambling—the things we choose as an addictive substance are but a symptom of a greater problem: disconnection.
Maturing into a place of self-love and connection within introduced me to a new world, one of deep meaning and deeper connections. Once I forged a connection with God and my higher self, and now that I work on keeping this connection free and clear, so it can flow unobstructed each and every day, I’ve found such deep, beautiful meaning in activities and relationships I once viewed as burdens or chores.
I’ve done it all, I’ve misused sex for the upper hand or to get my way, I’ve used it as a means of obtaining love (so I thought), I’ve used it to feel wanted and desired (never worked), I’ve used it to reward myself (left me wanting), and I’ve withheld it as punishment and means of control in relationships (epic fail). What can I say, I was living in an unhealthy imbalanced state. I didn’t know any better; I was living fueled by hurt feelings of rejection from childhood, and I followed examples of others around me.
Sex always felt good physically, often times in my 20s it was a drunken mess, but fun nonetheless. I prided myself on being adventurous, open to new experiences and kinky in the bedroom. I prided myself on being the versatile girl every guy wanted. Really though, all I was seeking was the feeling I now know—the feeling of deep meaning and connection. I didn’t know I wasn’t going to find it in someone’s pants. I thought it had to come from outside. I had no idea the connection I wanted was within me, laying dormant, waiting to be reforged. I honestly thought I could find it in your penis.
They didn’t teach us that in Sex-Ed.
I’m not saying I didn’t immensely enjoy many of my sexual experiences, or that I never had an orgasm. Contrary to this, I had many. After the physical pleasure faded though, I was left with the same feeling of meaningless nothing. It was nothing more than a physical act.
This went on until all the outer manifestations of my disconnection finally brought me a point of enough pain in my life, one where I was willing to make a change and try living another way.
The result of this was connection. Connection to self, God, Source, whatever you want to call it.
And now, the intimacy level of my sexual relations has amplified. I no longer look to my partner to give me the feeling of connection and meaning, because I have it within. This allows me to instead participate in sex present and mindfully with no expectations. I get to fully enjoy his presence and the feeling of him without a bunch of inner chaos going on. I get to be there, in the moment, feeling our skin against each other, feeling his skin underneath my touch and mine underneath his. I get to enjoy his lips on mine and the pleasure of them traveling down my neck.
I get to experience the moment where our eyes lock and we stare into the depths of one another’s souls, as we give of ourselves to each other, mind, body and soul.
It’s no longer a selfish act of pleasure I am engaged in, it’s become a tantric connection of soul unification. The end result doesn’t matter. It’s phenomenal of course, but the only thing that matters is the experience of one another in each moment, rather than his climax or mine.
There’s no more ‘needs’ when it comes to sex. I don’t need him to do anything a certain way, nor do I need sex a certain amount of times per week. I don’t need to climax every time. I don’t need him to do anything but engage mindfully with me on a tantric plane.
Instead of being a need in our relationship, it’s an act of divine connection of our two souls. It’s an act of intimacy which brings us closer together on a mind, body and soul level. It’s the ultimate act which can join us on all three bodies simultaneously when we approach it from a place of connection within ourselves first.
It’s beautiful and it’s tantric.
So, if you often find yourself feeling wanting after great sex, the cause may just be disconnection.
Ask yourself what it is you were hoping for but did not get from the encounter. What was not fulfilled in you? This will often open the door to much deeper things. From this you can see what areas you are seeking meaning and connection in, and begin to explore how you can fulfill those needs yourself. And I’m not referring to a physical need to be fulfilled by masturbation. Push deeper, push beyond this.
What is it you need in order to forge a re-connection with Source? Perhaps it’s quiet time in meditation before or after journaling, maybe it’s yoga to assist in becoming a silent observer of the mind, in order to begin disconnecting from the chaos the mind creates. The mind creates chaos—monkey mind, is what we call it in Buddhism—and this only serves to keep us blocked from all things meaningful. Maybe it’s chakra balancing work to clear energetic blockages. Maybe it’s therapy.
Whatever your soul is calling for, give it.
Find your quiet space, carve out time for yourself to just sit and be. Practice breath work like pranayama breathing. Go out and do service work for others in need. There is no faster track to re-connection than serving others.
Try it for a few weeks. Commit to yourself to uncover your connection and then nurture it like you would a brand new relationship. Give yourself the same love and attention, so eventually you can share in a more intimate connection with others, one which is Divine, as you were meant to be.
Author: Lindsay Carricarte
Editor: Erin Lawson