I’m broken. Not in a sad way but in an it-is-what-it-is kind of way. Life happened and I’ve adjusted accordingly.
We’re all a little bit shattered. Pain and heartache comes our way and with time we develop patterns that we think will protect us… But that only keep us in fear.
There are traits in me that aren’t necessarily a part of who I am, but that surface as a result of what I’ve seen in this lifetime. For instance: I have a huge fear of abandonment. Since my parents separation when I was two, my stepfather’s death when I was four, my mothers suicide attempts that followed and every divorce, trauma and death I’ve experienced since. Sometimes that makes me act a bit strange in relationships. I have to be continuously mindful of what’s real and what’s fear.
I’m scared of being left out. I’m controlling—I want things to happen my way, and I often assume things are going to go wrong if I’m not in charge. I micromanage everything. I expect people to fail me, or disappoint me, or leave me… So they often do. It’s instilled in me since I was a little girl that “if I don’t do it on my own we’re not going to survive” and I can be assertive to the point of coming off as bitchy. I don’t trust easily, and I don’t give second chances. I’m messy. I’m emotional. I love hard and get upset about little things. I take everything personally. I want to fix everyone, even if they’re not broken.
I want the world to be whole because that means I am.
So much of what how I feel and act is connected to the past. Part of my journey is figuring out what is truly a part of me, what brings my light out into the world, and what’s baggage masquerading as personality. What’s action, and what’s reaction? Am I moving with love or with fear?
The only way to make peace with who you are is to make peace with your past. Explore your childhood. Your history. It brought you here and it made you who you are; but is this you at your fullest potential? Do you see love in everything? Is this your purpose?
Ask questions. Notice the signs. Peel some layers off.
Keep looking for love and when you’re ready it will show itself as everything you already are.
Author: Rachel Brathen
Editor: Katarina Tavčar
Photo: Author’s own